walrus44 wrote:She is beautiful, a young 45 year old woman, and I am completely in love with her. At least I really think I am. I left a wife of 25 years for her, sold my house, and eventually lost my position in my company where I was earning $160k per year, mostly because I couldn't concentrate on anything but the drama. It got to the point where I could no longer talk to my partner or a family member on the phone when she was there.
walrus44 wrote:All the predictable things happened at the breakup including her devaluating me, and badmouthing me all over town to common friends. At first it was No Contact and it was working for me. She freaked me out and made me hate her so much that I really had no recourse, but, to go NC. However, at Thanksgiving (Nov 2009) she contacted me and told me that she wasn't ready to say goodbye and enough time had passed so that I would see her again. We got together and made love all night and I was hooked again. .... there isn't the living together baggage that we were carrying before, but, the rest is still there. Including the fact that she is doing me for weeks and then she goes home to her ex husband and does him for the weekend.
walrus44 wrote:Reading here, it looks so hopeless, but, I'd do anything to save her, but, I have no idea how and if it's possible without saving myself first. As mentioned above, I'm not even thinking recovery, but, at least I'm reaching out for help and just reading is easing the torture.
Reading here, it looks so hopeless, but, I'd do anything to save her, but, I have no idea how and if it's possible without saving myself first.
Dude, no offense, but you are part of the problem here. You left a wife of twenty-five years for a younger honey that you thought would give you neverending good sex?
Maybe you can tell your ex how sorry you are that you did such a dysfunctional thing and maybe she'll take you back.
MO what you feel for this woman his lust, not love. Regardless of what she is, both of you have done some bad stuff and don't seem to really be in love. Lust isn't love.
You show such great judgment that I'd just advise you to keep following your instincts.
Instead of focusing on a clinical diagnosis of HPD vs BPD for your ex, suggest you focus on the above description as well as the quote below describing your breakup. It fits very closely with the collective experience of many HPD victims on here.
My opinion - it really doesn't matter what label you put on her disorder. The important thing is that you recognize that your relationship with her is not healthy and that you get help in getting out and recovering from it. Part of that is finding support among people with similar experience - which is where this board comes in.
Check out http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html for a good description of the breakup cycle. Give yourself credit for doing No Contact for a while - and recognizing it did help.
Very Important: You CAN NOT save or fix another person. You can save yourself.
BPD and HPD are indeed very similar. The 'core hurt of abandonment', resulting from their childhood feeling that one or both parents don't love them, is at the heart of both disorders. The biggest distinction as I understand it is that people with BPD are driven by their need to avoid feeling abandoned, whereas people with HPD are driven by their need for attention. BPDs are more likely to try and cut their partner off from the world to control them, HPDs are more likely to have a collection of guys floating around after them around like desperate, sex-addled balloons.
Let's get this clear: It's not possible for you to save her, whether or not you save yourself. The best you can hope for is to save yourself, and then give her the opportunity to choose to save herself. She must decide to face her demons and seek help. Nothing you can do will 'change her' or 'help her' or 'fix her'.
The only person you can change, help or fix is yourself. And it looks like you have a great deal of work to do - you gave up your wife of 25 years, your house, your job, and your family for this woman? She's still screwing her ex-husband as well as you? You went non-contact and SHE told YOU that she wasn't ready to let you go and that you WOULD see her again? And she's still pulling off all this #######4 attention-seeking behaviour and you're still letting her yank you around like a fluffy toy on the end of a string? Your brain is AWOL, your dick has taken control of your life and your balls are nowhere to be seen.
Stop having sex with her.
Stop going back to her.
Stop rescuing her.
Stop romanticising her.
Start trying to figure out why you were doing all these things in the first place.
Start seeking professional help because you'll probably need it to do the last step.
Start getting your own life in order.
Just my 2c, I've been harsh here, but you need to focus on you.
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