janey wrote:l cringe when l remember how l was before l started my therapy. l cheated on every partner l was with, had affairs with friends husbands and felt no remorse whatsoever, none at all. l chose two types of men - narcissists or inexperienced geeky types whom l could seduce, playing the part of the experienced femme fatale. Normal, decent, reliable men bored me. l had three relationships with alcoholics, one was extremely abusive and that did affect me quite badly, but l went into that relationship because of the intensity and the roller coaster dramaatics. l never felt love for any of these men. The only time l felt that giddy "in love" feeling was when l was seventeen, with rather a wild biker. l still cheated on him though. l have moved a long way in my therapy and do not like the person l used to but still have a long way to go. There is nothing l would like better than to meet someone l could truly love and be loved by, but l need to do a lot of work on myself first, and have resigned myself to the fact that, sadly, l may never reach that stage. l am learning to feel validated by self acceptance, rather than seeking men to validate me, which is what l did in the past and it is a long, long journey, and at times quite a lonely one. However l would rather be lonely and learning self awareness than lonely in a relationship that began for all the wrong reasons. For the time being l have made a pact not to get involved at all. Period.
Whoa, this sounds exactly like the woman I was just involved in. I'm the inexperienced geeky type but with that intense alcoholic edge. She couldn't help herself. Good for you swearing off relationships for awhile, but remember there is only so much growth one can do in self-examination. The real growth comes from trying to apply the theory. You will make mistakes and that's ok. When it happens promptly admit it, to yourself first of all and to others (unless doing so would cause more harm), learn from it and try again.