I agree Caro. Infact, even when I posted this question, I knew somewhere inside that such ideas will not work with a Cluster B.
Like you, I was also predisposed to be a parent - probably the reason why I attracted her - a good source of nurturing and caregiving. (I was a parentified child and therefore a severe co-dependent as well)
Its only that sometimes I wonder if my giving up the parent mindset would have atleast provided me with better acceptance of her behavior and flaws - thereby reducing my reactions and anger towards her - which in turn may have reduced her insecurity, loneliness, feeling bad and fear of abandonment that she chronically felt inside her. Being a parentified child and a co-dependant, I was the perfect enabler for her behaviors and a perfect trigger for her acting out. I was an extreme parent and she was an extreme child
But then I tell myself that, in the long term I would have been frustrated anyway - since her impulsivity, shallowness and need for immediate gratification (not just flirting but all forms) might not have gone away anyway. Also there is no guarantee that her insecurity, loneliness and fear of abandonment would have gone away either. My need for an adult-adult relationship and intimacy would not have been met in the relationship and I would have been in severe crisis if I had gone ahead with the marriage.
While trying to recover from this relationship with my HPD ex (its been almost 5 months now), I am also trying to recover from my parentification as a child. A relationship with a PD involves a lot of abuse, but so does parentification of a child - and I guess this makes it confusing for me at times, since I tend to mix up both of these, in terms of understanding.
Thanks for your reply.