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how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

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how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby confused44 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:58 am

how do I break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Sorry I'm new to this, but i think I'm in the right place to ask you for some advice...


short description of him:

- boyish charm, crazy about his looks (gym, tanning, cosmetic procedures)

- will dress and look the way I want him to, will even adopt my ideas/views on life.

- very outgoing at parties, bars...yet totally helpless in real life, can't ask for direction, make important phone calls, etc...also I'm nonexistent for him when he is the center of attention at parties etc

- will give me all the attention, calls, texts, sweet words I need when I'm being cold towards him...yet when I show him love or weakness, I barely hear from him.

- I have to make a constant effort to remind him of his duties, and tell him what bothers me, only then he will change...but it only lasts for a few days.

- we hardly ever have sex, he says he was always like this (low sex drive, he is only 24), yet he cheated with plenty of women and possibly transsexuals while being with his ex of 4 years.

- he has many girlfriends he keeps in touch with, many of them he slept with before we got together....he says these girls are his "guy friends substitutes" since he doesn't get along with guys very well.
During one of our arguments I made him show me his phone, and facebook, turns out the conversations are kinda innocent, I say kinda, because they are one step away from being flirtatious....he is also the one that initiates them, says out of boredom?

- he is a policeman who is very proud of beating up criminals every night, he boasts about it, takes pictures etc yet wont stand up for himself when attacked not wearing an uniform

- he keeps in touch with his ex (who he cheated on nonstop for the 4 years they have been together) is very nice to her only so she continues to pay half of his mortgage despite that he makes enough money to pay the entire amount

- he would be friends with much older women 20-25+ years (some of them very unattractive) just to gain something, like advance his career....he wouldn't cheat, but would give them compliments, not sincere comments on their facebook pics, and keep in touch with them frequently until he gets what he wants (a promotion for example)

-----

I'm very independent person (in every way: job, friends, financial situation, no kids), 7 years older than him,
he treats me very well, is respectful, real gentlemen, gives me attention and compliments and even helps out with the household as long as I remain somewhat unapproachable (otherwise i don't hear from him much and if i do, he will sleep all day, do nothing).
We don't live together, he comes over to my place every day after work, would love to live off me (i had to fight for that one....otherwise he would have bankrupt me very quickly), yet he doesn't want to move in with me (to split the bills at least), says its too early (its been a year already) plus 10 other reasons....I don't mind it, but I find it a little odd, since he at my place almost every single day.

He tells me I'm his dream girl, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me....great words, yet little substance.

so after all this I think he is histrionic?

Anyway, I'm seeing more and more through him and ended up breaking up with him 3 times so far....unssucessfully
it's impossible because he literally comes back crying on his knees, tells me he can't live without me etc...my heart melts, I have no choice but take him back....

we just had a disagreement the other day (him contacting his old flames who broke his heart, telling them he's been dreaming about them, misses them etc all out of "boredom"?), i broke up with him again...he pulled off the same "i can't live without you" on his knees crying attitude...after all day of this I gave in....we even had sex that night (something he rarely initiates, or only when he knows he is about to lose me)....I should add, I have no problems finding a man, not desperate...and I like to be alone too.
Then as soon as he notices things are ok again he goes out doing his usual stuff (gym, etc), then leaves for a ski trip with his friends (including many single girls) that i couldn't attend (it was partly my choice and I don't mind him going alone).
While he is skiing and partying over there.....all I get is one call from the bathroom, and that after our fight and me "taking him back again"...shows me that as long as the party is going I'm nonexistent, regardless of the cicumstances
anyway, the next day in broke up with him again over the phone, it was definite this time, i told him I'm changing the locks, wont tolerate this behavior......but once again he comes with his submissive "you are my life" attitude, texts, calls, cries, is sorry....almost to the point where i start to think maybe its me who's crazy? and I'm torturing this soft, loving, needy guy for no reason?

I really want out of this relationship....yet I get weak when he tells me all these things, cries and sends 1000s of 'I love you cant live without you' messages....I know he will be back to his "normal" as soon as I give in.....yet how to break up so he won't come back with this emotional manipulation? I feel like I'm hurting an innocent human being, and it makes me feel bad :((((
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby teche25 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 3:24 am

confused44 wrote:.....yet how to break up so he won't come back with this emotional manipulation?


There is no form of breakup that will end the emotional manipulation. Manipulating their "prey" is their entire goal. The best advice any of us can give you is NO COMMUNICATION AT ALL- WHATSOEVER. If he calls, answer, sound very preoccupied and swiftly end the call. If he shows up in person, don't allow him through the door, pretend you're on your way out (even if you have to get into your car and drive away). If you think about it long enough, you can up with all sorts of different ways to avoid him. However, you must remain on guard. Many of us have experienced the HPD's quick and sudden mood change from repentant, adorer to batsh!t crazy anger. You may have to endure the angry viper for awhile, but only until he finds his next prey.

confused44 wrote:I feel like I'm hurting an innocent human being, and it makes me feel bad


That is exactly how he wants you to feel - BAD! It's the infantile trait of the HPD. Deep down he wants you to "Mother" him as if he were an innocent wittle baby boy [sarcasm intended]. It's all part of their manipulation. Once he starts to sense your indifference, you'll hear from him less and less.

A thought just occurred to me: A healthy, normal and responsible adult wouldn't have a clue as to how to manipulate someone, least of all someone they claim to love.
"I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life"

Evanessence - "Bring Me To Life" Edited
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby confused44 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:13 am

teche25 wrote:
confused44 wrote:.....yet how to break up so he won't come back with this emotional manipulation?


There is no form of breakup that will end the emotional manipulation. Manipulating their "prey" is their entire goal. The best advice any of us can give you is NO COMMUNICATION AT ALL- WHATSOEVER. If he calls, answer, sound very preoccupied and swiftly end the call. If he shows up in person, don't allow him through the door, pretend you're on your way out (even if you have to get into your car and drive away). If you think about it long enough, you can up with all sorts of different ways to avoid him. However, you must remain on guard. Many of us have experienced the HPD's quick and sudden mood change from repentant, adorer to batsh!t crazy anger. You may have to endure the angry viper for awhile, but only until he finds his next prey.

confused44 wrote:I feel like I'm hurting an innocent human being, and it makes me feel bad


That is exactly how he wants you to feel - BAD! It's the infantile trait of the HPD. Deep down he wants you to "Mother" him as if he were an innocent wittle baby boy [sarcasm intended]. It's all part of their manipulation. Once he starts to sense your indifference, you'll hear from him less and less.

A thought just occurred to me: A healthy, normal and responsible adult wouldn't have a clue as to how to manipulate someone, least of all someone they claim to love.


Thank you for your reply...i do have one more question: how long do i have to do this for? So far the more I pull away the harder he tries...i was able to avoid contact (not picking up the phone) for 2 days, and it got worse....nonstop calls, texts, i wouldn't respond, when he saw that this doesn't work he would drive to my place (1 hour away) and sit in front of my house crying...I couldn't leave him like this....I would start feeling very guilty for making him act like this, thinking he must be suffering terribly...:(
Also what's going to happen if lets say I won't answer the phone for a week, take a vacation so he can't sit in front of my house...will he break in and get crazy? Do Histrionics get like that? Not that he ever got violent with me he is a police officer, so things could get 'difficult' if he was ever going to do that....
Is there any other way to make him give up?

After reading this board and other reading material about histrionics, i believe he is manipulating me, because i won't see any of his sweetness when I finally give him love and attention or show emotional vulnerability....
Yet every time he comes back begging me to take him back, I start thinking: "what if he is sincere, doesn't know he made mistakes, and really suffers????" awww :(
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby teche25 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 5:07 am

confused44 wrote: how long do i have to do this for? So far the more I pull away the harder he tries...


Unfortunately the HPD does not conform to a timetable. You could avoid him for months and even years, yet just when you think you're free and clear, he'll rear his ugly head. Hopefully by this time you'll have come to recognize the shallowness of his promises.

He tries harder the more you pull away because in the HPD warped mind; the harder their prey is to conquer, the bigger the victory for them.

confused44 wrote:will he break in and get crazy? Do Histrionics get like that? Not that he ever got violent with me he is a police officer, so things could get 'difficult' if he was ever going to do that....


Yes HPDs do get crazy. They simply cannot fathom or comprehend the fact that someone may not "want" them. This thought causes them to lose all restraints. Due to the fact that he's an officer of the law, you must be even more aware. HPDs will manipulate ANYONE to validate themselves. What I mean to say is that, he may not have ever been violent in the past, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't use each and every resource available to him to justify his batsh!t crazy actions. Violence can fall into many categories - physical violence is just one of those categories.

confused44 wrote:what if he is sincere, doesn't know he made mistakes, and really suffers????" awww


My only response to your statement above is this: Please don't make the same mistakes that I made. Many, many times, I took the chance that his intentions were sincere. He was truly repentant and my forgiveness would end his suffering. The only result of this train of thought is that after 25 years believing the heartfelt sentiments of an HPD; I am 46 years old, working two jobs, almost bankrupt, no vehicle of my own and starting from scratch (i.e. renting an apartment for myself and my 16yr old daughter). And you know what? I much prefer to be in circumstances described above than to have to endure the mere presence of this HPD.
"I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life"

Evanessence - "Bring Me To Life" Edited
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby captainkplunk » Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:12 pm

Hello Confused44,

Your situation is similar to mine, not in length or even gender, but very similar none the less.

The difference between me and you, is that I have maintained that I want to be with my HPD wife (at least for now). You have basically stated that you do not. Yet, you're suckered in by your own good nature. Its not really a flaw in your character, I am the same (technically described as co-dependency) but it also goes to show that you are a decent, caring person and one of the hardest parts to any of the breakup is walking away, let alone hearing the sobbing, begging, crying etc - irrespective if the person has hpd or not.

If you're 100% in your mind that you want out, then you must do so now, delaying is only making it worse for you. If you aren't, then you could do with looking through tatteredknight's and my posts recently on how to live with a HPD. It will not be easy if you stay, I'll at least garauntee you that. You will always be the dominante force in the relationship and if you can handle that (he'll always be the baby, with some changes if he is committed) then you stand a good crack - with rules attached.

My guess is that you don't want to 'miss out' on the reciprocal bonuses of a relationship. (me too, I miss someone instigating sex) but its your decision in either case.

I'd be keen to see how you're getting on, if you feel like a PM? I might have to drop my HPD in 6 months!
Good luck to you
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby caro81VA » Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:43 pm

First, yes, everything you list is a dead match with the characteristics of my HPD ex (also a male). Your instincts are correct and you need to get out of this relationship and stay out.

You have to realize that the tearful pleas, etc are a CONFIRMATION of his disorder and another reason why you should stay away. A healthy individual might react with emotion to your leaving, but an HPD's response is completely over the top and completely ignores your needs, your wishes, your privacy and even your safety. Also, a healthy person, realizing they haven't been treating you right, will do more than just feel bad about it: they will change. So, you need to always watch his actions and not his words.

So, to break up with him you need a really solid game plan and good supports. Once you break up you will need to implement total 100% no contact. This is to protect yourself emotionally, not to punish him. Don't read his emails - delete them, or better yet, change your address. Shut down your Facebook account. If possible, change your phone number; definitely don't answer the phone and don't listen to voice mails. If he calls you from the hospital saying he tried to commit suicide, do not rush to his bedside. If he sends you flowers to work, have a friend go pick them up and destroy them. Warn your friends and family - do not allow them to give you any updates on him, and also make them aware that he may be calling them to enlist their help in "winning you back". It may be worthwhile to move. If he had access to any of your bank accounts or personal info, watch your finances and your credit. These are not random recommendations btw, they're all based on my personal experience.

You ask about violence. Some HPD's can be violent, it just depends, but they are just as likely to call the police and accuse you of something. Another reason to avoid all contact.

When you do all this, you're going to have periods of doubt, guilt, anger, etc, but they WILL subside and you WILL get through this, a stronger and healthier person. In spite of all the emotional ups and downs I felt better almost immediately and now, a year after the fact, my life is so much better.

You can do this. Let us know how it goes. caro

Resources:
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html (Suggest printing this out, highlighting the relevant parts and re-reading in moments of weakness. Or you can make your own list. I kept a list in my car at all times)
http://counsellingresource.com/features ... ontrition/
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Froward
Last edited by caro81VA on Mon Feb 01, 2010 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby caro81VA » Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:58 pm

confused44 wrote:
Thank you for your reply...i do have one more question: how long do i have to do this for? So far the more I pull away the harder he tries...i was able to avoid contact (not picking up the phone) for 2 days, and it got worse....nonstop calls, texts, i wouldn't respond, when he saw that this doesn't work he would drive to my place (1 hour away) and sit in front of my house crying...I couldn't leave him like this....I would start feeling very guilty for making him act like this, thinking he must be suffering terribly...:(


It never really stops, but if you implement "no contact" consistently his behavior will bother you less and less over time. And the attempts will diminish somewhat.

Also, check out stalkingawarenessmonth.org and their brochure at http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org/sites ... _color.pdf -- if you get nonstop calls and texts you may be able to deal with it as a stalking incident. But, I'd still recommend changing your phone numbers in advance this time, since you know already how he is going to react.
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby MyWave » Tue Feb 02, 2010 4:17 am

Seriously, the best way to break up with them is to hold them accountable. Call them on everytime they mess up. Be critical of the irresponsibility to the relationship. Set boundaries....In other words show yourself and him you are no longer accepting his BS and your now committed to valuing and taking proper care of yourself...

This will sadden and then infuriate the HPD. They want you around as long as your not too much of a 'Problem' for them. Once you begin to become a 'problem' (call them on their stuff, demand accountability, question their obvious lies ect) they will then begin the process of finding new supply, then devalue you, and eventually blameshift and leave.

As Dr. Carver so brilliantly put it. We are like 300.00 dollar cars to them. If we are running good and present no problems, they will keep using us. If the car begins to have problems and the repairs begin to pile up, they will get rid of us in a flash...just as soon as they find the next 300 dollar car...

Be easy with yourself and calm your worries...your HPD simply isn't worth ruining your well being over

all the best
You feed the fire that burned us all
When you lied
To feel the pain that spurs you on
Black inside
~ Alice in Chains
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby confused44 » Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:11 am

Thank you for all your responses
unfortunately I'm back where i was...i still cant get rid of him :(

He was coming back from his ski trip, I left for the entire day and night, didn't pick up the phone, didn't answer texts with the exception that 'I don't wish to see him and that I wont be home anyway'....
well, he came over regardless, waited for me until I finally came back home...
then after 6 hours of begging, crying, great statements that I'm his life and he can't live without me, I finally gave in...AGAIN :(

I just can't deal with this, I can't watch him suffer like that in front of my eyes (even though i know its an act....), and reject him :(
Especially when he is able to portray his side of the story so well....it makes me think I'm the crazy one who is punishing him for no reason....?? :(

i don't have any recent proofs of him cheating, stealing or anything like that, he didn't do anything really wrong to me yet...other than ignoring me while he is with other people, conning other women, and being in touch with gazillion girls that he used to sleep with before he met me....but none of these are any serious acts, nothing i can justify breaking up with him.
The reason i want out is that i think he won't treat me well once i gave in completely (it already happened, but i realized very quickly), i can sense it, I know his past (excessive cheating, interest in transsexuals, conning) I can sense he wants to use me for money (he tried that one already, but i was able to prevent it), he doesn't care about me when he sees i care about him, plus all these other women: i know he is one or two steps away from cheating....haven't done that yet though...I feel like he won't leave me alone unless i show him a hard proof of him wrongdoing?


MyWave wrote:Seriously, the best way to break up with them is to hold them accountable. Call them on everytime they mess up. Be critical of the irresponsibility to the relationship. Set boundaries....In other words show yourself and him you are no longer accepting his BS and your now committed to valuing and taking proper care of yourself...

This will sadden and then infuriate the HPD. They want you around as long as your not too much of a 'Problem' for them. Once you begin to become a 'problem' (call them on their stuff, demand accountability, question their obvious lies ect) they will then begin the process of finding new supply, then devalue you, and eventually blameshift and leave.

As Dr. Carver so brilliantly put it. We are like 300.00 dollar cars to them. If we are running good and present no problems, they will keep using us. If the car begins to have problems and the repairs begin to pile up, they will get rid of us in a flash...just as soon as they find the next 300 dollar car...

Be easy with yourself and calm your worries...your HPD simply isn't worth ruining your well being over

all the best


thank you for the advice, that could work....until now i was easy going, never too jealous, allowed him to do what he wanted, see who he wanted (while having my space too, never allowed him to tell me what to do...although i think he hates it but never expresses it, or at least not until i tell him about issues i have with him)....
So you think now that i started to expect things from him: like cut some of his female contacts, or call/text me once when he is away partying with friends, he will realize I'm too demanding and eventually leave on it's own?
All I want is for him is to lose interest and show it (if that's really the case of course) i can't deal with the whole waiting for me forever, begging, crying attitude...my heart melts :(...especially since I don't have any real evidence of him cheating or anything like that....it would have been easier to handle if i had it...

or the fact that i don't have any real evidence makes him less of a HPD? he swears he changed and this time he wants to make everything right...i know believing this is foolish, and I'm still protecting my heart....yet I could not forgive myself if all these words really were sincere and I rejected someone who really meant to change and loved me?
the way he portrays it is for example: having female friends (that he slept with) is normal as long as he doesn't sleep with them while we are together, he needs to keep in touch with them....or that when he is partying, he is drunk, distracted by friends, forgets about calling or texting me....he simply forgets or has no service, its normal....could happen, right? or believes that conning other women for favors is just a way to survive in this world? that's how he sees it...does he know what he does is wrong? or does he really believe he is doing the right and good thing?
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Re: how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

Postby newtohpd » Tue Feb 02, 2010 9:18 am

I just can't deal with this, I can't watch him suffer like that in front of my eyes (even though i know its an act....), and reject him


Confused - do you realize that when you will be on the other side (if he devalues and leaves you), crying and suffering, he will not have the empathy you are showing him... he will not take you back...he would have found a replacement and moved on...dumping you as if you mean nothing. Think about that.

Also, by taking him back everytime, you are only enabling his behavior and telling him that you are weak and have flexible boundaries. He doesn't see you as a good person because you took him back - he will later not give you credit for that - he is just relieved that his source of supply is still there.

If you really want to help him... dump him cold, right now and ask him to seek therapy...let him cry, become miserable and go into a depression and then probably seek therapy...this is the only way you can help him and help yourself. You can make him go to therapy if you have "power" over him as his supply - as soon as he finds a new supply, you will have lost all your power to improve him.
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