how to break up with a possible HPD boyfriend?

TatteredKnight wrote:

Bam wrote:I found that these numerous 'confrontations' just erged him to try harder and to turn up the emotion laden content. Personally I found these conversations extremely frustrating and counterproductive as they lack empathy and introspection which kinda cancels out the point of the confrontation.

I used to find the same, but trust me - these emotional outbursts are a different beast entirely to a normal person getting overstressed or upset and chucking a poopie. They're deliberate and calculated, and are a case of what's called 'extinction burst'. Watch this for a brilliant video demonstration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn97UnozDb4

Think of his manipulative emotional moves as buttons. So far, all he's had to do is poke the button marked 'guilt' or 'pity' and you do what he wants. If you resist, he starts poking another one - 'rage'.

TatteredKnight - I just watched the youtube link - very funny and yes, def reflective of a HPDs reactive outbursts! You are spot on with your button analogy, that is exactly what they do and further reflects their ability (not one to be proud of mind you) to shift through emotional states so quickly in attempt to find the one that fulfills THEIR immediate needs (ie-getting the reaction they desire). My oun did this all the time, so many emotional reactions, you could just see him trying out everything in his repertiore searching for the one that would finally evoke the response from me he wanted - very deliberate and calculated indeed.

I feel for you Confused - it breaks my heart too to finally accept that I cant help, cant save him so to apeak and to understand how horrible it must be to be them. No matter which way you look at it, it's tragic. I sometimes wonder who the actual 'victims' are - HOWEVER!!!- that is NOT a reason or justification to remain in contact or in the relationship - it's tragic that there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR THEM, however, the repercussions on us after being involved with one are equally (if not more so) tragic.

Bam wrote:Confused-

Someone posted 'Seriously, the best way to break up with them is to hold them accountable. Call them on everytime they mess up. Be critical of the irresponsibility to the relationship. Set boundaries....In other words show yourself and him you are no longer accepting his BS and your now committed to valuing and taking proper care of yourself...'

In my experience (with a male security guard/ex RAAF HPD) this tactic does not work. Over the 4 years we were together I continuously 'called him' on each lie, each conversational manipulative tactic (which they do remarkably well through such emotion laden sentiments of love and making you feel like you are the only one/and crazy justifications which don’t really make much sense/ side step or side track the original topic/sulking and playing the martyr or the victim etc). I found that these numerous 'confrontations' just erged him to try harder and to turn up the emotion laden content. Personally I found these conversations extremely frustrating and counterproductive as they lack empathy and introspection which kinda cancels out the point of the confrontation. Since I have been 'no contact' I have also received countless texts, phone calls and emails. After three days of not responding (which was REALLY hard) he turned up at my doorstep.
)

It didn't work cause in the end you really didn't hold him accountable. Holding someone accountable also means they will have to adhere to consequences to their actions. An HPD can only thrive if they have a willing participant. Listening to them give you line after line of lies is not holding them accountable. As long as your listening, they are still getting your supply. No contact ensures there will be no response on your part, and the HPD will eventually find a new target. They will leave because you finally did hold them accountable

And if he/she persists by showing up at your doorstep, hold him accountable and call the police. Let him/her know you are no longer gonna be a doormat to their games.

Once I said enough, there is nothing more she could do to me. Did she keep trying? Yah she did, except the difference this time I held my boundaries, which also means I held her accountable. Now she's on to another source of supply and I get to have a big sigh of relief and move on in my life

MyWave wrote:

Bam wrote:Confused-

Someone posted 'Seriously, the best way to break up with them is to hold them accountable. Call them on everytime they mess up. Be critical of the irresponsibility to the relationship. Set boundaries....In other words show yourself and him you are no longer accepting his BS and your now committed to valuing and taking proper care of yourself...'

In my experience (with a male security guard/ex RAAF HPD) this tactic does not work. Over the 4 years we were together I continuously 'called him' on each lie, each conversational manipulative tactic (which they do remarkably well through such emotion laden sentiments of love and making you feel like you are the only one/and crazy justifications which don’t really make much sense/ side step or side track the original topic/sulking and playing the martyr or the victim etc). I found that these numerous 'confrontations' just erged him to try harder and to turn up the emotion laden content. Personally I found these conversations extremely frustrating and counterproductive as they lack empathy and introspection which kinda cancels out the point of the confrontation. Since I have been 'no contact' I have also received countless texts, phone calls and emails. After three days of not responding (which was REALLY hard) he turned up at my doorstep.
)

It didn't work cause in the end you really didn't hold him accountable. Holding someone accountable also means they will have to adhere to consequences to their actions. An HPD can only thrive if they have a willing participant. Listening to them give you line after line of lies is not holding them accountable. As long as your listening, they are still getting your supply. No contact ensures there will be no response on your part, and the HPD will eventually find a new target. They will leave because you finally did hold them accountable

And if he/she persists by showing up at your doorstep, hold him accountable and call the police. Let him/her know you are no longer gonna be a doormat to their games.

Once I said enough, there is nothing more she could do to me. Did she keep trying? Yah she did, except the difference this time I held my boundaries, which also means I held her accountable. Now she's on to another source of supply and I get to have a big sigh of relief and move on in my life

Good call Mywave, and for the most part spot on - however, I was not a passive listener – I consistently pulled him up and confronted him with his inconsistencies, his lies and his defence mechs/tactics. You are right however, in that I used to do these things then leave feeling frustrated and feeling like he couldn’t/wouldn’t concede defeat when I was so clearly presenting him with clear cut evidence and straightforward ‘logic’ but I would then allow him back into my life which he most likely saw as me accepting his BS or being ‘over it’ – therefore the ‘no real consequences except at the time of the confrontations. What I was actually doing was distancing myself emotionally and spending time with him whilst purposely ‘forgetting’ or ‘overlooking’ all the unresolved crap (because it felt good – I’m pathetic!)
However - not so in the last few months, esp since I realised him for what he is (only a few short weeks ago)and understand that it isn’t/wasn’t pure stubbornness that created those illogical arguments and justifications he sprouted, it was/is much more deeply routed than that and I’ve had to accept my logic and ‘proof’ cant penetrate that. Over the last few months I have relentlessly called him out, continuously returned him to the topic at hand and frustrated the hell out of him by not allowing him his usual tactics. What has surprised the %@*& out of me is that he continuously comes back for more although I give him no peace and keep at it each and every time I see him. He recently described me as like ‘a dog with a bone…I’m deadly serious’ he says, ‘you’re like a dog with a bone’. But he keeps coming back knowing full well what’s coming (???) Without naming HPD I have described in detail (and personalised it with egs from his own behaviour) HPD traits and behaviours. I cant believe that it is impossible for him not to see that I am totally aware of his ways yet he keeps texting and calling (no response so far from me – 5 days so far!!) and wont go away. I don’t get it, I thought they were scared shitless of their masks being revealed? If I were him, I certainly would have told me to go *@#@ myself ages ago – I’m too much stressful effort!!
Anyway, I have had to come to the sad, frustrating and heartbreaking conclusion that NC really is the only way to go. Even tho I do sometimes really miss my ‘fix’ of him (yes, I am totally aware of how ridiculous, hypocritical and pathetic that sounds – sad but true unfortunately).