There is hope and people change...

Ok, I know that these are very important questions for you. I have been through these questions quite sometime ago.

How do you heal when you feel you are completely alone and no body loves you....

First, let me tell you that you can - its difficult, but possible with therapy, courage and honesty.

The problem with a person with BPD/HPD, or a victim of severe child abuse is that, growing up one tends to so severely not develop/or lose one's own identity that the person bases her identity on outside validation. The older you get, the more acute this problem becomes. So, to heal, you need to start by accepting your own feelings, believing in yourself and creating/recreating your own inner-self. You will frequently feel lost, empty, fear of the unknown and relapse back to seeking outside validation - its very painful. But if you have courage, if you are honest to yourself, if you are willing to accept your feelings of emptiness, fear and your relapsing back to seeking outside validation, you will be able to very slowly create your own self.

You may start by feeling completely alone - people around you may not understand what's happening to you, but its natural. So don't panic. Just comfort yourself that everything will be fine. Tell yourself that you need to start doing this completely alone, since its your problem. Imagine that its a bridge that you will need to cross alone to get in touch with other people who are waiting for you at the other end of the bridge. Trust others that they will be there for you, once you cross the bridge and start healing.

You have to start by accepting the fact that only you can do this, for your own sake - so its better to do this alone, because the fact is that you will have to learn to develop your own self - and that you can only do if you rely on your own self and no other person - you have to teach yourself to do this. So its better to be alone, while you trust that once you do this, your loved ones will be waiting for you at the other end.

How much time this will take, depends on how much acceptance, honesty, courage and faith you have in yourself.

Also how do you know if someone loves you...

You know, because you trust.

But first you will have to learn to trust. If you can't trust, then you will constantly be anxious and will be testing people to see if they love you or seeking assurance from them - you will try and control them. By testing people or seeking constant reassurance, you will torture them and drive them away. The more you test and drive people away, the more you will be anxious and the more you will act out with anger, tantrums, manipulation and so on. Its a self-sabotaging cycle. The only way to stop this is to start trusting people.

When you start off, start by calming yourself that you don't need to control and test people - just trust that they love you. Don't try too hard to make them love you - they will love you simply because you are yourself - simply because you have qualities in you that they like. Don't treat it like a transaction, that they need to do for you what you do for them.

The world is not a dangerous place - people will not hurt you. You don't need to be defensive or fear rejection. Just open yourself up to people, trust them and become vulnerable. Even if they hurt you because of a small conflict, feel the pain - don't avoid it. Just know that small conflicts don't mean people stop loving you.

Again, for you to trust people, you will need to develop your sense of self, so that you know that you will exist whether people love you or not. You will stop trying too hard to change yourself for people - you will be yourself - and in return people will love you for who you are.

So start by appreciating yourself - identifying your good qualities and keep improving yourself. Seek validation from your own self rather than seeking validation from others.

This will be difficult at first - you will feel lonely, but if you have courage and you are honest to yourself and you can start appreciating your own good qualities, you will soon be on the path to knowing that people love you.

People love you for who you are, not because you can make them love you - love is not a transaction.

Best wishes on your journey to recovery - don't give up, just hang on there and it will happen.

I understand.

I know these words: acceptance, honesty, courage, faith....But I cant say I "truely" understand the meaning of these words. These are concepts and I am realizing I do not have an ability to relate to them at deeper level.

Let me try and give you my perspective of these words - my interpretation may not be literal meanings, but they are what life has taught me.

Acceptance: what is it? What happens when you accept yourself or accept someone else. What it feels like? IS it like accepting a job offer? .......may be when I know a guy is interested in me or a female friend wants to hang out with me or somebody says yes to my request, that is acceptance for me..

Acceptance can literally be interpreted as "to accept". But true acceptance of anyone lies in the ability to "give yourself up" to that person - it is the exact opposite. So true acceptance of yourself lies in your giving yourself up to your own feelings and your own sense of self. True acceptance of a friend or a partner lies in your ability to give yourself up and become vulnerable to them. As you can understand, this comes from the ability to trust. You might be worried - does this mean blind trust? No, it means that once you have a sense of yourself, and you can use that sense of self to know whom to trust, then once you have chosen to trust someone, you can give yourself up to them openly, without having to keep up your defenses.

Honesty: what is it? My husband gets amazed at the way I tell lies when I dont need to....... For me honesty is just something whatever the other person whats to hear...I guess...

True honesty is not about another person - it is about yourself. It is about accepting who you are without fear. It is about not having to look at the mirror, and still knowing that what you know about yourself is the truth. Once you are honest about your own self, you will not have any reason to lie to anyone else. An honest person might lie once in a while, but she will know that basically she is honest - she accepts the truth about herself, she has no fear, she has nothing to hide. Once you are honest to yourself - that is, you have accepted the truth about yourself - you will not lie about either the small things (that you do now) or about the things that matter in life - because you will not need to.

Courage: I dont know what courage is because all my life I have always done things to please others.....for me argument is an erruption of emotions with crying and talking loud usually balming other..I have especially done this with my husband

Courage is the ability to face pain. It is the ability to know that life is not always good, there are bad times - and during these bad times you will face pain - but you will face the pain and see through the bad times, work to better it and constructively bring in happiness. Once you have the ability to face pain and work beyond it, you will find that it becomes easier to take responsibility for your own actions and not blame others as a way of escaping all the badness and the pain. You will also stop panicking in the face of failure or something that bothers you and therefore will be able to be calm. Once you are calm, you can then start becoming reasonable.

Faith: I have hard time believing in an imaginary friend..why should I believe anyways? sometimes I get really jealous with people who believe in something deeply, because I dont have that ability and I cant relate to them but I can see how peaceful they are with themselves...I want to believe in somthing...but how... How it feels like to believe in something????

Faith is your belief in yourself. You can search for yourself within yourself OR you can project yourself onto something you think you are a part of - humanity, universe, God or even the mundane things you see around you. Once you believe in yourself, you will realize that you can project this same belief onto others (we see others as we see ourselves deep within) - you will start trusting others, you will accept them as they are, you will not have fear of people hurting you. You will become peaceful like others - the world will not seem threatening - you will feel safe and secure around others.

I am completely out of my comfort zone to think like this

This is exactly what you have to teach yourself. You will have to start by first taking a leap of faith and then maintain being outside your comfort zone with courage, honesty, trust and acceptance of yourself and others.

should I tell my husband about these communications? I dont know....what should I do? i am seeing my therapist tomorrow..shoud I show her this.....

Sure. Start trying out the ideas above by talking to your husband or your therapist. They might agree or not agree, or have a different opinion - respect their views and, if needed, revise the ideas above - but don't worry about acceptance or rejection from them. Start with an open mind - take a leap of faith. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.