There is hope and people change...

I don't believe that anyone who is truly 'personality disordered' in the proper sense of the words can actually change to any large degree.

Having said that, I do believe that we are all capable of becoming better people. For some, it takes 1 or 2 or more experiences that can become life changing. An experience that is so sudden, so shattering, so unexpected that it rips out our inner core of who we are and lays it bare. Then the soul needs to be rebuilt.

This is called raw emotions and they do get exposed.

Don't believe me? You should. Coz it happened to me.

I had 2 experiences that did that. The first was the still-birth of my son. I'd never known grief before, never. I was almost 40 and had never been to a funeral or felt loss of any sort. Up until then I'd lived a charmed life and I believed I was invincible. There were other narcissistic traits in there too. For the first time I had empathy for other people who had faced a tragic loss.

Then I became a mother.....and I gained a more true understanding of what it was like to connect with the future. I already knew how quickly life can be taken away, how fragile it is and I'd also never experienced a love such as the love I had/have for my baby (she'll forever be my baby!). So another new-found empathy - for mothers and their wordkload! That was a complete turnaround in thought processes.

Then I realised I was in a domestic violence relationship, and that was a true "Excuse Me??" type of experience. DV didn't happen to a person like ME! Never! I was 'better' than that. Now I have empathy and understanding of what it's like to be an abused partner. He was even diagnosed with NPD.

Whilst learning about NPD I recognised large chunks of myself.

So, starting with the raw emotions of grief, followed quickly by raw emotions of love, followed by raw emotions of 'it could never happen to me', change springs forth.

Like I said, if anyone is truly hungry for change, reframing past thoughts and experiences to make a better future can happen.

But the difference with a 'personality disordered' person is that while they go through those same life experiences, they remain unmoved....empathy does not spring forth, they stay the same.

So, during the healing journeys of my 'grief' periods, I've put myself back together and left some bits out, and re-aligned other bits.

It feels good, and I now realise the healing and learning journey of life never does actually end. I'd heard it before but never appreciated it....now I fully understand it.

Good luck to anyone who's the same train......enjoy the ride!

I am really trying right now. I talked to my husband last night since I have this agreement to be honest with him about everything. I told him I need his help right now. I don't know what he can do to help me. He has a lot going on right now but he always takes the time to talk. I try not to take advantage of this but I wonder if I am now just using all of my problems with other men to get more attention. It really sucks to start doubting yourself all the time and asking yourself, Am I being manipulative or attention-seeking right now? What is normal behavior? My husband isn't even mad at me. He tells me he understands why these other men are infatuated with me. He says he doesn't blame them. I have tried to tell him about HPD, but he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. I have read him all of the traits and he agrees that I have them. You see, he isn't angry at me, he is just depressed and doesn't think he is good enough for me. He blames himself for my problems and thinks he isn't a good husband. I am trying to tell him that I have some problems. He says that he doesn't care if I have other men, as long as I don't leave him and break up our family. We have 2 kids. I am worried that he puts up with too much from me.

I luv u 2

Thats what I did...I ignored all the red flags(many) because she gave me this perfect illusion. She loved everything I did. She loved ALL my interest. So I felt she was really into me...so I ignored my gut and my own intelligence about leaving her.

His deppression is because he truly knows that he is with the wrong
person but the kool-aid you give him is so dam good!!

He doesnt want to look at the fact you are HPD because he wants to
think its true love you are giving him and a family.

Id imagine he truly loves you...who wants to face the facts that there wife doesnt love them, lies, manapulates, looking for guys attention.

He is just trying to do the right thing...he thinks his love and your family are going to save you.

listen I lost everyhing from my exHPD....love, my son, my family, my
trust, my hope, my job, my self-esteem, my ability to be open,

People work hardeveryday to have all of these things in life...and when a HPD blames games....it destroys lives

plays games....sorry

I am going to therapy and visiting my past. I was adopted by my aunt (check my short life story in histrionic-personality/topic42339-10.html) and I felt guilty to even question or think negative of her. But she has always pulled a "I raised you..you own me" string on me. I was there but never emotionally bonded. There was lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse. She is the queen in belittling anyone when she has an upper hand.

Since last six months, I am visiting my past via once a week therapy. I am also doing an "inner child therapy" myself at home and writing a journal. The only thing that is coming out of me is raw anger and rage. I am angry to the point that I tremble and shake. I am considered a very mello person by others. But I have this rage inside--of being ignored, of being manupulated, of being neglected. When I did something right my mom always made a point to others "look what a successful person I have raised." but when I did something stupid, she would cornor me alone and say all this bad things that I am a disgrace and unworthy. They also never told me about my adoption and past. I figured it out myself when I was in grade 7.

I am angry, feel shatterd, feel cheated, manupulated. I am realizing i have a severe identity problem. I never got to form my identity..this is why I am co-dependent.

I am pregnant and she wants me to invite her to help me out. At this point, this is the last thing I want to do. Now a days I pray that she would be dead and I will have to never see her face again. My therapist tells me I should not feel guilty about these thoughts because these are my "feelings--true feelings" towards her and I should let it come and feel the way it is without any guilt. She says I have lived enough with guilt for 32 years.

So, is this healing? Sometimes while writing journal, I start crying and cry for hours. There have been nights that I have woken up with rage and anger towards both my surrogate and biological mom. I was severely bullied at school when I was in grade one and two. I have a strong urge of finding those bullies and beating the crap out of them. Anger, anger, anger, anger, that is all I have been feeling since last two months..............

God knows how long this anger phase will last....

I am also trying my best to recover. It's hard when you feel that there is not a single person who genuinly loves you. In my life there are so many people--my surrogate family, my biological family--who claim they love me, but they are extermely manupulative. Everything is so fake and superficial. My husband loves me but have been burned by my HPD behaviour. He has told me he needs his space and cannot deal with my issues anymore.

I am angry because whatever issues I have, they stem from my surrogate mom and biological mom (they are sisters). I want to completely cut them off from my life. But at the end, you realize there is not a single person you can lean on or talk to.

How do you heal when you feel you are completely alone and no body loves you....Also how do you know if someone loves you...

i am so confused...

Ok, I know that these are very important questions for you. I have been through these questions quite sometime ago.

How do you heal when you feel you are completely alone and no body loves you....

First, let me tell you that you can - its difficult, but possible with therapy, courage and honesty.

The problem with a person with BPD/HPD, or a victim of severe child abuse is that, growing up one tends to so severely not develop/or lose one's own identity that the person bases her identity on outside validation. The older you get, the more acute this problem becomes. So, to heal, you need to start by accepting your own feelings, believing in yourself and creating/recreating your own inner-self. You will frequently feel lost, empty, fear of the unknown and relapse back to seeking outside validation - its very painful. But if you have courage, if you are honest to yourself, if you are willing to accept your feelings of emptiness, fear and your relapsing back to seeking outside validation, you will be able to very slowly create your own self.

You may start by feeling completely alone - people around you may not understand what's happening to you, but its natural. So don't panic. Just comfort yourself that everything will be fine. Tell yourself that you need to start doing this completely alone, since its your problem. Imagine that its a bridge that you will need to cross alone to get in touch with other people who are waiting for you at the other end of the bridge. Trust others that they will be there for you, once you cross the bridge and start healing.

You have to start by accepting the fact that only you can do this, for your own sake - so its better to do this alone, because the fact is that you will have to learn to develop your own self - and that you can only do if you rely on your own self and no other person - you have to teach yourself to do this. So its better to be alone, while you trust that once you do this, your loved ones will be waiting for you at the other end.

How much time this will take, depends on how much acceptance, honesty, courage and faith you have in yourself.

Also how do you know if someone loves you...

You know, because you trust.

But first you will have to learn to trust. If you can't trust, then you will constantly be anxious and will be testing people to see if they love you or seeking assurance from them - you will try and control them. By testing people or seeking constant reassurance, you will torture them and drive them away. The more you test and drive people away, the more you will be anxious and the more you will act out with anger, tantrums, manipulation and so on. Its a self-sabotaging cycle. The only way to stop this is to start trusting people.

When you start off, start by calming yourself that you don't need to control and test people - just trust that they love you. Don't try too hard to make them love you - they will love you simply because you are yourself - simply because you have qualities in you that they like. Don't treat it like a transaction, that they need to do for you what you do for them.

The world is not a dangerous place - people will not hurt you. You don't need to be defensive or fear rejection. Just open yourself up to people, trust them and become vulnerable. Even if they hurt you because of a small conflict, feel the pain - don't avoid it. Just know that small conflicts don't mean people stop loving you.

Again, for you to trust people, you will need to develop your sense of self, so that you know that you will exist whether people love you or not. You will stop trying too hard to change yourself for people - you will be yourself - and in return people will love you for who you are.

So start by appreciating yourself - identifying your good qualities and keep improving yourself. Seek validation from your own self rather than seeking validation from others.

This will be difficult at first - you will feel lonely, but if you have courage and you are honest to yourself and you can start appreciating your own good qualities, you will soon be on the path to knowing that people love you.

People love you for who you are, not because you can make them love you - love is not a transaction.

Best wishes on your journey to recovery - don't give up, just hang on there and it will happen.

I am reading your suggestions again and again this morning, newtohpd. With all these emotions erupting, I am not sure where I am going--especally what it means to be a normal, how it feels to be an emotionally balanced person, but I guess your post has given me a little sense of what my goal should be.

I got stuck at this sentence.

How much time this will take, depends on how much acceptance, honesty, courage and faith you have in yourself.

I know these words: acceptance, honesty, courage, faith....But I cant say I "truely" understand the meaning of these words. These are concepts and I am realizing I do not have an ability to relate to them at deeper level.

Acceptance: what is it? What happens when you accept yourself or accept someone else. What it feels like? IS it like accepting a job offer? I know what people want to hear and how to make them accept me--for a short while and after that they run away from me...I am trying to think what acceptance means to me....I cant say..may be when I know a guy is interested in me or a female friend wants to hang out with me or somebody says yes to my request, that is acceptance for me..

Honesty: what is it? My husband gets amazed at the way I tell lies when I dont need to. For example, I am watching a tv and my sister calles and asks what I am doing and I say I am cooking. She would ask what am I cooking and one lie leads to next and it becomes a series of lies and I do this when I am in my husband's arms. He says what bothers him the most is that How easily i do it without any remorse and discomfort. By the way...my stister has always commented me on my cooking...that how bad I am and how I should learn to cook and she does not understand how my husband tolorates my cooking. For me honesty is just something whatever the other person whats to hear...I guess...


Courage: I dont know what courage is bacause all my life I have always done things to please others, especially my surrogate mom and family...what is it? how does it feel? a year ago I noticed that I dont even look at peoples eyes when talking..I look at their lips or forehead...I dont argue with people but when I am alone I get mad at a person I am not happy with and keep my anger inside...I have also noticed that I cannot calmly argue with logic and reason being in context...for me argument is an erruption of emotions with crying and talking loud usually balming other..I have especially done this with my husband

Faith: I have hard time believing in an imaginary friend..why should I believe anyways? sometimes I get really jealous with people who believe in something deeply, because I dont have that ability and I cant relate to them but I can see how peaceful they are with themselves...I want to believe in somthing...but how... How it feels like to believe in something????

You have asked me to trust other people which I am finding incredibly hard thing to do. I am struggling to trust my therapist and analyzing how much information I should let her know...I guess faith and trust goes together which I am incapable of...

right now as i am writing this, I am feeling each of my nerve and cell being overwhelmed.....I am completely out of my comfort zone to think like this....my heart is pounding...At this point I am just angry at others..I guess I have to start looking into myself and start disecting my thoughts and behaviour....should I tell my husband about these communications? I dont know....what should I do? i am seeing my therapist tomorrow..shoud I show her this.....

I understand.

I know these words: acceptance, honesty, courage, faith....But I cant say I "truely" understand the meaning of these words. These are concepts and I am realizing I do not have an ability to relate to them at deeper level.

Let me try and give you my perspective of these words - my interpretation may not be literal meanings, but they are what life has taught me.

Acceptance: what is it? What happens when you accept yourself or accept someone else. What it feels like? IS it like accepting a job offer? .......may be when I know a guy is interested in me or a female friend wants to hang out with me or somebody says yes to my request, that is acceptance for me..

Acceptance can literally be interpreted as "to accept". But true acceptance of anyone lies in the ability to "give yourself up" to that person - it is the exact opposite. So true acceptance of yourself lies in your giving yourself up to your own feelings and your own sense of self. True acceptance of a friend or a partner lies in your ability to give yourself up and become vulnerable to them. As you can understand, this comes from the ability to trust. You might be worried - does this mean blind trust? No, it means that once you have a sense of yourself, and you can use that sense of self to know whom to trust, then once you have chosen to trust someone, you can give yourself up to them openly, without having to keep up your defenses.

Honesty: what is it? My husband gets amazed at the way I tell lies when I dont need to....... For me honesty is just something whatever the other person whats to hear...I guess...

True honesty is not about another person - it is about yourself. It is about accepting who you are without fear. It is about not having to look at the mirror, and still knowing that what you know about yourself is the truth. Once you are honest about your own self, you will not have any reason to lie to anyone else. An honest person might lie once in a while, but she will know that basically she is honest - she accepts the truth about herself, she has no fear, she has nothing to hide. Once you are honest to yourself - that is, you have accepted the truth about yourself - you will not lie about either the small things (that you do now) or about the things that matter in life - because you will not need to.

Courage: I dont know what courage is because all my life I have always done things to please others.....for me argument is an erruption of emotions with crying and talking loud usually balming other..I have especially done this with my husband

Courage is the ability to face pain. It is the ability to know that life is not always good, there are bad times - and during these bad times you will face pain - but you will face the pain and see through the bad times, work to better it and constructively bring in happiness. Once you have the ability to face pain and work beyond it, you will find that it becomes easier to take responsibility for your own actions and not blame others as a way of escaping all the badness and the pain. You will also stop panicking in the face of failure or something that bothers you and therefore will be able to be calm. Once you are calm, you can then start becoming reasonable.

Faith: I have hard time believing in an imaginary friend..why should I believe anyways? sometimes I get really jealous with people who believe in something deeply, because I dont have that ability and I cant relate to them but I can see how peaceful they are with themselves...I want to believe in somthing...but how... How it feels like to believe in something????

Faith is your belief in yourself. You can search for yourself within yourself OR you can project yourself onto something you think you are a part of - humanity, universe, God or even the mundane things you see around you. Once you believe in yourself, you will realize that you can project this same belief onto others (we see others as we see ourselves deep within) - you will start trusting others, you will accept them as they are, you will not have fear of people hurting you. You will become peaceful like others - the world will not seem threatening - you will feel safe and secure around others.

I am completely out of my comfort zone to think like this

This is exactly what you have to teach yourself. You will have to start by first taking a leap of faith and then maintain being outside your comfort zone with courage, honesty, trust and acceptance of yourself and others.

should I tell my husband about these communications? I dont know....what should I do? i am seeing my therapist tomorrow..shoud I show her this.....

Sure. Start trying out the ideas above by talking to your husband or your therapist. They might agree or not agree, or have a different opinion - respect their views and, if needed, revise the ideas above - but don't worry about acceptance or rejection from them. Start with an open mind - take a leap of faith. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hi newto hpd:
I decided not to talk to my husband. He is really burned. I think he is staying just for the baby. This weekend has been especially hard on me. Have been crying a lot..I mean a lot..for hours and hours...Feels so lost

had some revelations as well. Actually two of them...
I have been writing journal about my feelings. I am also doing a child therapy and reading "Healing a child within" by Charles L. Whitefild. This weekend, I woke up at 6 am and, among other stuff, I wrote this:


I am ashamed of who I am
I am ashamed of my existance
I am ashamed of my relationships. They are so superficial and fake
I am ashamed of my looks
I am ashamed of my body
I am ashamed that I cannot hold on to any projects. I start them and end it without completing them. have spent lot of money in hobbies
I am ashamed that I am a complusive lier
I am ashamed that I do not know who I am
I am ashamed that I do not have any response to food/taset and yet eat a lot
I am ashamed of having my surrogate family's last name when I called my real parents aunti and uncle. I am ashamed everyone in the town about my history except me. I had to figure it out myself.
I am ashamed that I do not relate to anyone. I am pretentious. Life has become eXtermely draining and exhausting
I am ashamed of putting on a show infront of everyone
I do not know who I am. What I am suppose to be. Who I am suppose to connect with.
At the end I am a big "pot of shame." Am I a lost cause? WIll I ever get out of it???

I tried to find one good thing about me and I could not. All my life all my acchievemnts were taken by my surrogate family.."Oh look what a successful person I have raised. We are such a pious great people." but when I made mistakes, failed in exams, I was put into a cornor and blamed for everything. I realized that I have only shame, but nothing to be proud of myself. I have no identity and not sure where to start from. Next month I will be turning 33 and god knows how many years it will take to heal.

Life is such a burden