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Recovery tips?

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Recovery tips?

Postby MyWave » Sun Jun 01, 2008 11:45 pm

Do any of you have any good recovery tips from a relationship with an HPD you would like to share?

I have tried to rebuild the other parts of my life (job, social, family ect) and that has helped...

any pearls of wisdom?

thanks
You feed the fire that burned us all
When you lied
To feel the pain that spurs you on
Black inside
~ Alice in Chains
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Postby A little Wisernow » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:59 am

Yep................


When they lose interest in you, and go wild for another guy.........

Don't take it so hard............... you were the flavor of the week,

Now he's the flavor of the week.................

He won't be "loved" for long either........

My EX is now with her True Soulmate number 23..............
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Re: Recovery tips?

Postby ju » Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:29 pm

MyWave wrote:Do any of you have any good recovery tips from a relationship with an HPD you would like to share?


Hi MyWave

I can only speak for myself but there were certain things that helped me:

* Very good support from close friends and family that listened to me whenever I felt the need to talk about my ex. I am lucky to have three people who I can talk to about anything. This really helped. To begin with, I felt the need to talk about my relationship daily, but this gradually decreased over time.

* I made the decision to cut all contact with her. Initially she was all for meeting up once or twice a week as friends, but then acting like we were still 'together.' I found this wasn't helping me at all. For my own sake, I decided to break all contact.

* I took the time to look after myself. That meant taking time to relax, listen to music and just generally using the time to reflect on what happened and to try to learn from it.

* I accepted what had happened, however hard it was at the time. At first, I just blamed myself for everything. Over time I realised it takes two people to make a relationship. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of her and some of the good things she did, but then I quickly remember her bad behaviour and the thought disappears.

* I didn't put too much pressure on myself to get better too quickly. I took each day as it came. I hoped each day would be better than the last. I accepted that I would have bad days and when they came, they were easier to deal with. I accepted them as part of the recovery. The pattern at the start was lots of bad days, but slowly good days began to appear until they outnumbered the bad days.

* Finding this site was a big help. Reading about so many other's experiences that matched my own was a big boost. It made me realise that there was probably not a lot I could have done about my ex's behaviour. Once I realised she had many NPD/HPD characteristics, the recovery process really took hold.

I hope your recovery is going well for you.
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Postby Dan » Wed Jun 04, 2008 1:17 am

MyWave.

I found that time in my life separated friends (supportive) from the rest. You will come away much healthier, this will weed out people who are drains on yourself. This life lesson will be carried forward and make you a better person for ever.

That being said, I would go thru ups and downs over a 6 Month period. Self doubt, etc. This is when true life long friends are made. In my opinion of course.


Goood luck.
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Postby shivers » Wed Jun 04, 2008 1:26 am

ummmm, let's see....

Others have covered the good support network, which is the best.

Here's some more that come to mind

- Avoid speaking to people who make you doubt your experience.
- Keep your mind and body busy with positive activities
- Don't dwell about the past relationship and her (him)
- Use the experience to empower and ground you
- Believe things happen for a reason
- Know that there is always a silver lining in everything, somewhere
- Believe you are enriched by the experience - a true survivor

Good luck.....
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My few cents...

Postby Musician924 » Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:03 pm

Well...I am still trying to recover over 2 years on, but here goes:

- Stop all contact with her (telephone, email, IM, lunch, dinner etc...)
- Don't try to find logic in what happened (there isn't any...)
- Don't be angry with yourself if you lost it with her (him) once in a while, like a spoilt child they deliberately test your limits
- Any accusations towards you of paranoia were probably true (lol), but justified :D ...! If she gets to you on that one again just reply "a little paranoia never harmed anyone" :lol:
- Write down all the absurd things that happened during the relationship, and bring out the list the days you have doubts or she trys to seduce you into going back to the relationship
- Never, but never ever, go back to the relationship, its spiral down. What ever happend before will happen again, more intense, more dramatic until you are emotionally destroyed
- Keep busy, and get out with friends
- If you have a passion in life like playing guitar, playing football, working out etc, turn to it (sublimation) on off days
- Keep looking over your shoulder in order to protect yourself, they never completely let go and often pop up when you least expect it.
- Most important of all; be and look totally happy (the best counter attack of all, the proof that they did not manage to destroy you because you are too strong, self strength being the characteristic they crave the, most but just don't have...boo hoo!!).

Good luck!~
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Postby starz » Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:19 pm

Hey Muso!

Long time........

My advice.

Find yourself, know yourself.

Learn what YOU want, expect, and need from a relationship, and learn its not wrong to accept anything less.

Demand more.

Dont be a fixer, you cant change anyone.

Logic?? This is not a place to discuss logic. It doesnt relate.

Journal, journal, journal. Its so worthwhile reading stuff back. Your own verification on the, ' i never said that' going crazy stuff.

with regard to the anger. Did you ever act this way before? Was it in your usual nature of your prior xxx years? If not, youve been flea'd!!.

Dont look happy, be happy, with yourself. This is an experience that you can really grow from should you choose.

Pain turns to healing, turns to growing as a person.

Good to see ya
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Postby MyWave » Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:54 am

Thanks everyone...these all are excellent recommendations...I hope the newbies read this

Ju...I was very much like you in that once I confirmed her diagnosis, a sense of healing and peace slowly began to grow. She really tried to play me :twisted:

Dan I do believe you are right...This whole experience has really made me healthier, and it has led me to surround myself with healthy peoples

Shivers I am keeping busy with good and positive things and it really helps in the rebuilding process...that one foot in front of the other song really is valid

Musician thanks for the warning...She has tried a few times already, and recently her equally nutty friend approached me, trying to get info...I have cut them ALL out of my life and am not turning back

Starz great advice...I realized that my co-dependent tendencies often attract needy/unavaliable/and crazed women. It is like they see I am easy prey. Working on those tendencies really does require getting real with myself. It also required me to define what I want and how I need to keep my boundaries firm...

A wealth of knowledge here and I thank you much

MW







MW
You feed the fire that burned us all
When you lied
To feel the pain that spurs you on
Black inside
~ Alice in Chains
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Postby LifeSong » Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:43 am

Another suggestion:

Wait at least a year before you get into another relationship.

You got into this one right after breaking up with another woman. Not judging... most of us have done that once. But it usually doesn't work out well, even if the'new relationship is not with a crazed person.

Take time to process the former things,and to re-establish your own sense of identity. Get healthy again. Get strong. Get more self-knowledge. Spend a year or more defining who you are without dating anyone. Leave your codependent tendency behind. Fill up your empty places with good things that don't involve a romance for awhile. It's well worth the wait.
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Postby ju » Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:49 am

LifeSong wrote:Another suggestion:

Wait at least a year before you get into another relationship.

You got into this one right after breaking up with another woman. Not judging... most of us have done that once. But it usually doesn't work out well, even if the'new relationship is not with a crazed person.

Take time to process the former things,and to re-establish your own sense of identity. Get healthy again. Get strong. Get more self-knowledge. Spend a year or more defining who you are without dating anyone. Leave your codependent tendency behind. Fill up your empty places with good things that don't involve a romance for awhile. It's well worth the wait.


I think this is good advice Lifesong. I've been separated from my ex for six months now, and I didn't set a time limit on how long I would give myself before entering another relationship. But I'm realising now how time on my own is helping me. I'm learning about what I want in a relationship, how I've behaved in previous relationships and the behaviour I will definitely not tolerate in the future.

I've been on a couple of dates that I've enjoyed, but they have been friendly rather than romantic. I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment but, at the same time, I'm not ruling it out either. I'm just enjoying seeing where life takes me in that regard.

I think the time alone that people need depends on the person and what kind of relationship they've just had. A year may be too long for some or not enough for others. But I do feel that time spent alone helps with the learning, healing and growing as an individual that will hopefully bear fruit in the future.
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