There was a previous post “How to Tell an HPD What They Have”
The correct answer is “Any way you want to”
This is not sarcasm, but truth.
The reason for this is if they are truly HPD, they will have a very dynamic denial mechanism. The see themselves as good people who have to survive against a world that is more powerful then they are. They manipulate other people and reality, for their security needs. They are the good and loving victims. They prove to themselves that they are good by showing love, while clothing the people and the world around them with their own fantasy.
None of this is consciously conniving. In their reality they really believe that they are being good and loving.
So If you tell them they are HPD, and the truly are HPD, they will deny, rationalize, ignore, their own behavior, the message you are trying to send, and the concept that they are somewhat imperfect or responsible for any harm to others.
If they say “Hmmmmmmmm. I had never thought about that. You may have something there. I need to think about this and maybe get some help.”…………..
……………then they really aren’t HPD, are they?
So, how do tell and HPD what they have? Any way you want to. Because ………
if they are truly HPD, ………………..
it will make absolutely no difference!
From what I’ve picked up. HPDs do not respond to cognitive therapy (seeing the reality in themselves and there environment). Most only get in to treatment when suffering from depression after an unsuccessful relationship. Trying to tell them what they have falls into “cognitive Therapy.”
So, if you try to tell an HPD what they have, you are not helping them, but trying to address some need within yourself.
There was another poster (now banned) named “Beefheart.” He was in misery and pain because the wife who once adored him, now was being cold and manipulative. His counselor suggested that Mrs. Beefheart showed behavior typical of HPD.
He came to this forum for help. He started several threads.
“Can I live with Her, What Would It take”
“Is there a cure”
“How to leave her”
… or something like that.
Finally, in pain, despair, and anger, he lured her on to this site ……. hoping that he could save her by getting her to see what was wrong with her.
What followed was something like the Jerry Springer show. Mrs. Beefheart lashed out in denial, other posters chimed in. You can go back to these posts if you want.
In the end, all those involved seemed pretty convinced of Mrs. Beefheart’s HPDishness ……
……………Except Mrs. Beefheart.
That was 6 months ago
The divorce will be final in 5 weeks.
Beffheart became aware of his own patter of codependent behavior that he had lived with his entire life. A work book “Untangling Relationships” (Springle) gave him some amazing insights into his behavior. Some were absolutely on target and made him smile, like ……………
……….. “You are very effective at identifying and evaluating other’s problems, …….but not your own.”
To this day, Mrs. Beefheart still denies she has any issues what so ever.”
…………. Or so I’ve heard.
If you want to be a friend to your HPD friend, accept your friend for what your friend is, and be there for your friend whent the hard times and depression hit, because the surely will.