I'm New here and need help ASAP

So basically Im at the point where I know somethings not right and I want a better quality of life. I have looked at different disorders, took many quizzes, and all of them have shown that I have strong histrionic, narcissistic, and borderline traits . According to these tests, I'm highest in histrionic , then borderline, and then narcissist last. At first I thought the things I experience were perfectly normal until these same things started leading to major stress and anxiety. I am very self analyzing so I can list the things I know I have problems with .

1. I literally have no actual friends. People just seem to come and go in my life. Any female friends i tend to make it eventually just "dissolves." When it comes to relationships I'm not good at keeping in touch. Most of my relationships are one sided as in they usually place more attention on me than I do them or they are the one that calls and initiates things. Im more of the low key type and I usually get side tracked and occupied during the day and don't get back to people until later or if I feel like talking. Another thing is that I'll ignore people's calls even if I'm not particularly busy. And then lie about it. I honestly just don't feel like talking and i feel that what i am doing is important. sometimes ill text back a little later or call , but usually we just talk again when we talk again. The one person that i feel i can call a friend is my male friend "Bob." Me and bob went to high school together and didn't really talk until now ( 5/6 years later) so he's still considered a new friend for me. Even though sometimes i feel like he may not really like me or that he's just my friend because I have no friends. I feel like he is an extremely good friend.and there have been so many times where he was my shoulder to cry on . Sometimes I'm scared that I'll lose him and then literally have no one.

2. Another thing is that most of the female friends I have had , I have also been sexual with them . And i don't like to even call them "friends." because my feelings for them are so superficial. It's so weird even to me . We don't hangout like normal friends. I can't explain it. The closest i have felt to a female was when i first had sex with one. Otherwise, it'll just be another short lived "friendship" that ends without me really knowing why . I feel like women are always judging me and that eventually they'll turn on me and this is because I have had bad relationships with women in my life. I feel like I am my mom's least favorite. I always felt like the child that was left to fend for herself and that I didn't get attention from her as much as my other sisters. My mom never says/said I love you and I feel like she just always has an attitude with me. Its just her tone of voice like everything annoys her. My dad on the other hand is so loving and I had a much closer relationship with him. I feel like I can be more of myself with my dad and he's just more tender. He always told me how much he loved me and was just a warmer person. They got divorced because my mom cheated. Go ######6 figure.

3. I feel like my relationships now closely resemble my relationship to my parents. I don't hate my mom, but i don't like the things she does. After the divorce, she had more boyfriends than me from that time until now. She had "went through" about 5 guys that she ALL thought she was going to marry . She is now with someone who I guess is going to be different than the other guys and they seem "more serious." The way I feel with my mom is how i feel with other "friends" of the same sex. I feel nervous, feel like I'm being judged, may think they're jealous etc. This isn't all the time 24/7 . This is when I'm meeting a new same sex person.

5. My "friendships" are very superficial.

6. Now with men its completely different. I'll fall head over heels and do everything for him if i feel like he's the one. It'll end one of two ways. I get bored and somehow end it or ill see that he is somehow unattainable and thats when I get hooked. I crave that chase . I never get bored that way. This sounds so bad. I get bored if i know I "have" him . My longest associations have been with men that I know it isn't going to work. I was having sex with one guy who I worked with at the time who had a fiance. We had sex for almost a year . He was an older guy in his 30s.

7. I am now currently dating a much older guy . He's 52 and is an anesthesiologist. (Im 23) I fell so fast, opened up fast, head over heels, etc. It started off so nice until I started noticing this guy is weird. He seems to have no friends also(talks to his mom and one other guy friend) he gets upset if i don't text him, but oh he can ignore me ALL day and no word is said about it, he threatened to put the relationship on a break if i went camping with my girlfriends, he makes smart remarks like " I'm not going to argue with a 23 year old. " , and he said " I love you " within the first month or month and a half . I didn't say anything back. That was weird to me, but it didn't freak me out. Should it have? He's not intimate at all. I have to ask for a hug and a kiss and then even when he does it's the lamest hug/kiss ever. Whenever he asks me to do something he criticizes me right after about anything. It NEVER fails. Also he talks about himself nonstop and when i say anything about myself he changes the subject. I researched and found out he is Narcissist without a doubt. I haven't told him and don't plan on it. The bad thing is that Im addicted to him (We'll call him joe) i feel like. The other bad thing is that the other guy I was talking to before the current guy had very similar characteristics . I won't go into detail , but I was also "obsessed " with him it seemed like. I lost myself and felt horrible after that relationship and then had to rebuild myself and put my identity back together because I felt so empty.

8. This is where it gets confusing. I LIKE when joe tells me to get naked. Or when I walk in he'll tell me to be quiet, get naked, and get into bed. And that's all he'll say. I like that controlling feeling. I think I don't even care about the fact the he's a narcissist because the sex is so great and he makes me so wet and I'm just so attracted to him, but on the OTHER hand I'm bored and want a new adventure. But the SEX is so great. Its the combination of him controlling me and him being older . He is the first and only guy to make me orgasm. And sometimes i feel madly in love with him and sometimes i feel like i could drop him and not care and find someone else. I secretly love being controlled and love feeling in love, but in reality I feel as though my feelings are shallow ! This sort of frustrates me. One minute i have to stop myself from texting him " Are you with another girl right now?!" out of fear and anxiety and the next minute i just want to have sex and don't care .

9. I have been told that I lead men on. Ive been in situations where I really like guy(at least i think i do ) so i act on my feelings. I may initiate sex, or a kiss, make out, but then i may meet someone else. And it usually starts platonic, but then the other guy fades in the background. This is how my current relationship started. Me and the guy who got "lead on" were talking one day and he said that I hurt him when i "left." (We're still friends. This is the one friend i have that i mentioned earlier in the post.) What scared me is that when he said i hurt him. I felt nothing. a smirk came across my face and I COULDN'T HELP IT. His head was down when i smirked so he didn't notice it. The feeling went like this" I felt a BRIEF moment of sadness. Like probably half a second and then nothing. I felt happy if anything. I had to force a sad, caring emotion after that. This shocked me. Has this ever happened to anyone ? Is this normal to feel this way ?

10. Another thing that I would like to know if you guys think is normal is that I have been date raped and honestly I don't have an emotion for it if that makes sense. It seems to be filed in my brain as "oh just another night of sex." The fact that it was date rape honestly didn't make me that sad. I was acting sad because i knew that was the appropriate response.

11. I fear that i will not be happy unless I'm in a relationship with a crazy person and that i'll get bored and cheat on any other guy. One guy who i know never cheated on me, I cheated on him with 3 different guys and I didn't feel as guilty as you guys probably think.

12. I am a very anxious person. I get frustrated over the smallest things. For example, if i can't do something right or if somethings just not right i get frustrated with myself and the people around me and ill start talking in a rude tone. I really don't mean it . My coworker sometimes has to tell me to calm down and stop getting frustrated. " Just chill geez, breathe." Other people describe me as "all over the place." This is when I'm in my anxious mood. And I'm anxious like 85% of the time.

13. I know i am hypersensitive sometimes, but then again i feel like I'm very confident.

14. I feel all of my "symptoms" get worse in relationships.

15. I am also somewhat nervous to seek counseling because of my distrust for others. I would feel weird opening up to a woman and I already know ill have freaky thoughts about any older male.

16. Don't know if this helps, but I'm considered to be very attractive .

17. Any advice on how to get in contact with a psychiatrist or something. I want to get to the bottom of this and maybe get a diagnosis so i can start handling my situations. What are the steps i take to finding a psychiatrist.

Hi,

If you have insurance your policy may cover the cost of some visits, and can explain how to get a consultation. If you have a regular doctor you see, you could also ask for a recommendation through him/her. Google will no doubt turn up some local results as well.

Note that the options can be somewhat confusing. While a psychiatrist (i.e., someone who has a medical degree and can prescribe medication) is one possible option, there are also options to speak with a psychologist, and/or a licensed mental health counselor. The later generally cannot prescribe any medications, but they are qualified and licensed to talk with you and may provide psychotherapy.

Oh GOD It's like you're describing my life. I've never read something so accurate before. I think the recurring theme for you is power play, you like it when you feel like you're not in control and get bored if you are. You need to feel like someone doesn't want or need you in order for you to want or need them. HOWEVER it's not exactly making you happy. Maybe look into dom/sub relationships, I mean it might not end up being your bag but I'm starting to think it's something that might be quite compatible for me too. I feel like you also need to be with people you find unfathomably attractive both personality wise and looks wise, to an extent you just have really high standards which isn't necessarily bad. With women, girl have I been there, so difficult because when the relationship IS just platonic you feel like they are a sister to you (or at least I do) so when the friendship ends I feel totally beside myself. I think you just need to find women who are intense friends but who are completely straight. I mean these solutions of mine are basically me just saying find people who temper exactly to your needs, maybe that's selfish but... hey. ANYWAY I hope you work all your situations out and relieve some of this vexation! x