pedsmommy wrote:I am so relieved to have the secrets out in the open. He's relieved that he now knows the whole truth.
Now we can continue moving forward.
Very good news Peds! I feel relieved for you and him. How did he take it? What details did you tell him? You told him everything he wanted to know, but did you tell him everything you wanted to tell him, or all the hidden details/ thoughts/ feelings? Another words, do you feel 100% clean? Is that even possible?
Relieved is the right word, it seems. I take it, in retrospect, you wouldn’t have wanted to hide it longer or even not tell him?
The most amazing thing in this entire process is that you do feel and act like a different person. Your turn is profound. I feel relieved for him in this too. Maybe it’s too early to ask, but do you feel the “pull” of the old days, are the ‘negative’ HPD parts in the back of the mind tugging? Did you ever see “The Beautiful Mind”, where his old and psychotic thoughts, as depicted by his childhood friends, are just standing off to on the side, waiting to influence him back into his dark psychotic spin, but he has learned over time to just looks away and ignore them so he can live his ‘normal’ life. But they are always there staring him down. (Maybe this is a common call-back on the PsychForums, but I’ve only hung out on the HPD area).
Move forward Dear Peds and may it be happy! Keep us up to date. But don’t worry, I won’t stop asking (way too personal) questions.
So, I’ll share my story. We are at the beach with two other couple friends. My wife (and I) are instantly converted back to our happy college days. She’s chatty, smiling, holding hands, kissing. I’m so happy. At night, one-on-one she’s much better, too. (not perfect, but I'll take it). I’m not sure if she has read this board or not (I have asked her to, and she could surely figure me out via my name) but I’m fairly certainly she knows that I know her history. But she doesn’t want to talk about the past. And I’m not pushing. At least not on vacation where things are going well. Maybe we wait for the therapist couch. I hope the couch is super cushy to soften all the emotional blows. This is the wife I want, but we will not be on vacation all the time, and we are not in college anymore. By the way, I think we are more of Jack and Diane than Brenda and Eddie. But, in either case, you can never go back and life goes on. Right?
pedsmommy wrote:Clearly, sex for kicks without any emotional connection is way more morally reprehensible. That's what animals do. Acting on instinct without any care for consequences. We however have been given this frontal cortex which allows us to make decisions based on all different kinds of logical and emotional input. Cheating for kicks makes a man no higher on the evolutionary ladder than a dog.
Lets talk about something happy? Can we go back the contemptuous wench, Ashley Madison? Good times.
Thank Peds, it was a great topic of conversation over the fire pit! Especially, after being loosened by beer and substances. At night. Exhausted. Things flowed well. What was interesting is that everyone was happy to chat (and yell) about their thoughts even though there were several among us that had cheated in their history (most known and some unknown). We are just a motley crazy bunch hurling through the cosmos. But we make each other laugh and that was the goal of the trip. Cheating, tonight anyway, seemed so funny. So, the survey pool was 3 men and 3 women. And, dear Peds, I think we all took you to town.
The conclusions:
1) All men are dogs. Universally agreed. And answers most all the questions.
2) Women need kicks, too. But the kicks tend to be more complicated and interwoven into their head. (That’s just too bad if you ask me). We all agreed the new women’s viagra was invented by a super lonely man whose wife did not put out and for which he did not discover internet porn. All the men were FOR the new pill, all the women said there is no way it would work. Unless the pill also came with diamond earrings, too. Insurance might not pay for it then was our conclusion.
3) A corollary to this, there would be a lot less cheating in the world if women put out more just to keep their men happy. Simple. The world’s problems would be solved. Men have a simple one-page instruction sheet. Eat-Sex-Football, repeat. (It’s more of an index card). It’s a shame that women toss and I don’t read it. But can you really blame the men for not reading the 10-volume War and Peace instruction sheet that comes with a woman? That is also never updated or even in a language you understand. And no translator. In fact, it’s written in an alien tongue of hisses and clicks. Most of the women agreed with this idea, at least the men surmised, as they howled like the mermaid from Splash and broke all the windows. We assumed that meant yes.
4) As Xdude always puts so well, love AND sex together in a cheat. Kaboom! (Yes, even my wife agreed. We’ll put this one on the sideline for now.) “Honey, I got drunk and banged my secretary, sorry. Do you forgive me?” vs. “Honey, I love my secretary, she is everything I ever wanted in a woman and I love her so much. And we did the nasty. It was so much more amazing to have sex with someone you love. Sorry. Do you forgive me?” HAHA. Xude is right. Which relationship will be shredded more? Which has more consequences!? (You did say consequences). A self introspective UGH-O!
5) Morally reprehensible is a good one. Who defines that? (this great analogy came from a woman, who is a poet at heart, I won’t do her justice, but…). So we all have our evolutionary dog inside us. The dog wants to have fun. This dog makes us want to eat a big fat hamburger with grilled onions, melted pepperjack and piquant sauce as opposed to a cucumber salad. This dog makes us want to drive fast with the wind through our hair as opposed to drive the speed limit. The dog makes us want to kiss the pretty girl next door. The dog makes us want to jack our socks off with a stranger. The vegan or your heart doctor may think is morally reprehensible to eat a hamburger. The highway patrol may think is it morally reprehensible to speed and endanger people. The girl’s father may think it is morally reprehensible for the boy next door to kiss his daughter. Who is thinking it is morally reprehensible to bang a stranger? Society? Please. Half of the country was on this stupid website, and the other half just didn’t discover it yet. People have been doing it forever. We’ve had presidents whose faces are and will be on coins doing it. Yes, it is a 10 commandment, but, interestingly, it is not a law of this country. Stealing and murdering are. So just 2 commandments are law? (Lets not make it a law as our jails are already too overcrowded.) Sex is just an act that makes us feel good. Just like eating a hamburger or driving fast. All dogs may not go to heaven, but they do what they want and often trump the human ‘rational’ brain. So really the definition comes from what you make it. Did you make a commitment to your spouse? Did you make a commitment to your spiritual doctrine? Morally reprehensible comes from within (and from within normal societal conventions. Just don’t murder, we can all agree on.). Keeping your pants on or off seems to be a little more personal. And we call all agree, dog like. But it happens. And what’s the difference?
6) The scornful bitch Ashley Madison is all our friend that we don’t want to admit to. It seems it is epidemic. You’d think the solution would be internet porn, but I guess not.
Super late. Still a little buzz of chemical and hopeful love. I’m going to enjoy my next hamburger a little more. SEND!