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HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

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HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby ruinedgirl » Thu Oct 02, 2014 2:56 am

Hey everyone. I'm 28, from Kentucky. I've been married to my high school sweet heart for 9 years, together a total of 12. We have 2 kids, a 3yo amd an 8yo. Anyway, he truly is the love of my life. He completes me. He's my best friend and who I'm meant to be with. Despite feeling this way, I have never been faithful to him. In our 9 year marriage, I've had 4 affairs. 1 with his brother-in-law and 1 with his best friend, who was my best friends husband. And whats even sicker, is I never wanted to in the beginning. I would get in a situation and I physically couldnt say no. In would be screaming it on the inside but would go along with it just because I was afraid saying no would make them hate me. But then I would like it, the attention, feeling wanted and pretty. The last affair was the most emotional one. It started like the others. We were friends, he propositions me, I cant say no and then after a few times, I start liking it, but only after he started telling me he was falling for me. And even though I didn't really feel that way back, something in me thought " wow, it must be real then" and I'd start saying I love you back and actually believing I do. So any way, hubby finds out and I start therapy. Ive always felt different. Ive always known something was wrong with me. Turns out i have hpd, except I only like exclusive attention. I hate being the center of a large groups attention. Something about a mans attention, even if I cringe on the inside at first, does something for me. It has to or I wouldnt do it. I literally cant say no. If a guy even checks me out, it does something for me. If a married man picks me over his wife, it does something for me. I over react, I'm extremely jealous amd self conscious. I want to be everyone's only one. I dont wanna be this way. I hate myself. I have ruined our lives and I have no idea why. I never wanted an affair, or a different guy. Something is missing in me, I feel that. I dont feel empathy or feelings like I should. And I think when I can make another guy literally fall for me, it makes me think for a second that maybe that's whats missing in my life. But ive realized, nothing is missing, its something wrong with me. Im sick of myself. I had a dysfunctional childhood, absent father, a mom who disliked me bc of who my dad was and was an alcoholic and ditched me weekends, summers, etc to go out and party. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just gliding through life but not really living. I always want something to look forward to, big plans, dates, vacations, etc..I dont feel like I appreciate the normal every days. I feel numb emotionally a lot. I love my husband and my kids but I kind of feel like im pretending for everyone else. I just started therapy a few weeks ago and my husband and I are still coexisting. We have good days but mostly bad. Hes angry and we fight a lot. He wants to see what the therapist says before he decides anything. I dont have a lot of hope but at the same time, I cant imagine him leaving. We've always been together. I need him. Hes the only good guy I've ever met. I love him! Im just terrified there isnt any hope, that ill always feel this way. That I wont ever get better. I have possibly ruined my marriage for guys that I didnt even like, guys that would make me cringe when they touched me. Yet I couldnt say no. It was like I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I would sacrifice myself just to make sure people that didnt matter liked me & then once I knew they liked me, I started liking them. I really truly love my husband and want to make it work so badly. I cant take this.. What is wrong with me?
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby InSpiritus » Thu Oct 02, 2014 5:55 am

[*** mod edit - per the pink sticky ^^^ this is a support forum for those with HPD ***]

"Cheating" takes quite bit more effort than the BS you are suggesting. So stop BSing yourself and your poor husband.
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby xdude » Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:45 am

Hi ruinedgirl,

What you wrote about does seem to match many of thoughts/feelings that other people with HPD have written about on this forum, and it's likely going to take time, even with a therapist to work through.

That written, a few thoughts -

Much of what you wrote strikes me as extreme thinking. For example, most of us enjoy some attention/approval from others, but we don't believe that they will 'hate' us for saying no to their sexual advances, and even if they do 'hate' us, we don't believe everyone must like us all the time.

You wrote a lot about cheating, so some thoughts on that and a really tough question -

Realistically most people have some thoughts/desires about having sex with others, even when in a committed relationship. Some people act on these thoughts, some don't. If they do act, some are honest with themselves, it's what they wanted (not necessarily to be caught, but that they wanted the sex with others, or the approval/attention, etc.), while some shift the responsibility (e.g., I was drunk, my spouse ignored me, I can't help myself, etc.), presumably to avoid feeling guilty/responsible.

So the though question now -

Is there any chance you've learned to think in extremes, because extremes can sometimes be a way to get something you want while avoiding the stressful feelings such as the feelings of guilt, remorse, responsible, etc.?
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby ruinedgirl » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:40 pm

Hello. And thank you so much for your reply. I do react and view things in an extreme manner. I don't know if thats normal or not. I think its more of a rejection thing...a guy pays me attention, flirts with me, makes me feel good, and if I say no, I fear that attention will stop. I really don't want to cheat on my husband. Do I flirt back? Yes I do. I'm not an innocent bystander or trying to blame a disorder for how I am. I don't really think they will hate-hate me. I guess I just meant the attention will stop. The last guy went as far as talking about leaving his wife for me. That really did something for me. My therapist says I'm trying to validate something. She keeps hinting at sexual abuse because I feel this is just how I'm supposed to let guys treat me but there is no memory or evidence of it at all so its not that. I just dont understand. Is cheating a big part of hpd? I swear I don't want to cheat. I dont seek it out or even think about it. I just seem to always get in those situations and at the time I know I should say no, my stomach will be in knots and I'll even feel sick after & wonder whats wrong with me, but it really feels like a mental block goes up and no leaves my mind. My husband gives me plenty of attention. He's a great husband and father. It really has nothing to do with him. But after not liking it in the beginning, I eventually get sucked into a fantasy world and start feeling feelings and liking it. But when its all said and done, and I look back, I realize all those "feelings" were fake or were just part of my fairy tale fantasy. Thanks for replying again. And to the guy that called BS, believe me...things would make way more sense and I wouldn't feel so confused and helpless if I just wanted to cheat on my husband. I wouldn't wish anyone to feel this empty and helpless.
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby InSpiritus » Thu Oct 02, 2014 3:32 pm

I was afraid saying no would make them hate me.

Why would you even give a ratz butt about whether they "hate" you or not?

What is that for an excuse?

Helpless? My left testicle says otherwise. Desperate for any thing of whatever it is you are after, but all you have accomplished is destroying your primary relationship. And maybe that is what it will take for you to wake up and get real with yourself.

There is NOT one single plausible valid excuse for your actions. Not one. It's lame. Unless those guys raped you while under the influence of something? Bull.

NO...and then run in the opposite direction is all you need to do. Your brain needs to kick into gear.

You could say "Hello" you can also say "Good bye" ...not that hard.

your husband and kids pay the price of your whateveritis....I can't even begin to pretend that there is one iota of empathy in there where you are concerned. You're not psychotic, you have no excuses.
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby xdude » Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:01 pm

Hi ruinedgirl,

I think most people do enjoy some degree of attention, and validation from others. Put simply, most of us enjoy having our self-esteem built up, and don't enjoy having our self-esteem torn down. Actually I think this is just a fundamental truth about us humans. Our sense of whether something said/done builds our self-esteem up or tears it down is key to much of our emotional reactions to each other.

That written, I don't think everyone is quite so reactive for various reasons including:

1.) They may feel okay enough with themselves without frequent ego boosters, and for the same reason, are less reactive to criticism. This is what some people mean by having 'self' esteem - a sense of feeling okay or even good about yourself independent of others opinions/actions. It's tricky though because a persona can have outward appearance of self-esteem that is a facade (e.g., too much bravado can be a red-flag) when in fact they have a very fragile ego.
2.) They don't weigh everyone's approval/attention equally, and place a higher value on the opinions of the people they care about over strangers, and...
3.) The realization (to varying degrees) that other people 'want' things, and that true loyalty and caring about someone else takes time and is semi-rare/precious. An example. If someone I care about flatters me, I'm likely to take it seriously and feel flattered. If some random stranger flatters me I'd likely feel somewhat flattered, but still might wonder why. If a used car salesman flatters me, I'm likely to assume he is trying to selling a car so using flattery, and not as likely to feel my ego has been boosted. The same could apply to someone who uses flattery to get sex, money, a job, etc., There is no way to always know others intent is with 100% certainty, but since most people don't immediately idealize/idolize others, or even have any strong feelings about people they don't know, they get that others are often acting out of self-interest too.

Anyway, I do understand enjoying attention/approval, something most of us enjoy. It's really more about the extremes, how dependent we are on others approval/attention to feel okay (ideally somewhat good) about ourselves independent of others. Maybe then don't on why you enjoy the attention (normal enough), but why you don't feel okay without it?
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby xdude » Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:16 pm

InSpiritus wrote:
I was afraid saying no would make them hate me.

Why would you even give a ratz butt about whether they "hate" you or not?


For whatever it's worth, I'm definitely more the type of person who doesn't react much to people I don't know. In my mind most people have their own lives, and I assume they really don't particularly 'hate' or 'love' most other people. I think they don't think about it much because they've got their own life and issues they are dealing with. Then again I'm a bit of pessimist I suppose and tend to wonder what is that other people want from me when they are being overly flattering, yet barely know me.

It does seem though that some people take actions/reactions from others they barely know or just met far more seriously, as having far more meaning, than the way I take it. What would just barely register with me (when coming from a stranger or acquaintance) seems to cause some people to feel extremely flattered or criticized. Now on the flip side I take the actions/reactions of the people I do care about very seriously, and probably too seriously at times.

The criteria for HPD includes the idea of 'believes relationships to be more intimate than they really are'. I guess that is a key question though - why?
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby ruinedgirl » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:49 pm

Inspiritus, I never claimed there was an excuse. I don't have an excuse. I know I've done something terrible and I have no reason why. Believe me, I'm not using hpd as an excuse. I was juat diagnosed with it last week and I'm still trying to understand what that means. All I know is I've done bad things, things I didn't want to do, for some deep-inside-of-me reason that I still don't know. My therapist thinks I have a lot of issues with self worth and self respect. I have let guys treat me however they want just for attention. I grew up without love or acceptance and she thinks thats what I'm searching for to fill a void. I'm not sure how right she is because I don't understand myself at all. All I know is how I feel, and thats empty and hopeless. I feel awkward most of the time & like I don't belong. I don't really know who I am. Most of my relationships with family and friends is superficial. I don't know how to act around people. Never once was I try I to excuse what I've done. My whole point in writing on this forum was not to be judged, I'm hating myself enough as it is, I just wanted to hear from other people with hpd and hear their stories and maybe learn a thing or two from personal experience with this disorder.

Hey xdude, I cant thank you enough for your kindness. I however am quite the opposite of you. If someone close to me flatters me, it makes me feel good, but its almost like I think they r just supposed to do that. But if someone other than my husband does it, it has to be even more true it feels. On another note, none of these affairs have been with random strangers. They've all been people I've known quite well. I had therapy again today and feel a little better about the diagnosis. She keeps saying I have the mentality of someone who was sexually abused as a child, that I fit that perfectly, there was just no abuse, at least not sexually. I am sorry to complain and vent, its just so hard to not understand yourself and to wonder whats wrong with you. Thank you for your replies and for your explanation of things.
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby InSpiritus » Fri Oct 03, 2014 12:26 am

I know I've done something terrible and I have no reason why.

Doesn't need to be a reason "why"...it's about you know what you Do.

You know it will hurt your husband. This is not rocket science. Cheating requires far More effort than you let on. Cheating is not an instantaneous sort of error. You need to have some sort of plan and intent behind the action. If not, you are like a walking vagina and nothing more by the sounds of it. Pardon to be crude.

Sorry for your husband and kids.

Keep your legs together and off your back for Chrissakes, how damn hard can that really be?
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Re: HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

Postby angelinbluejeans » Fri Oct 03, 2014 5:27 am

I feel for you...but......you are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices...

-- Thu Oct 02, 2014 9:35 pm --

InSpiritus wrote:


your husband and kids pay the price of your whateveritis....
'do not hold back good from those to whom it is owing, when it happens to be in the power of your hand to do it' "To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic ones"
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