by ruinedgirl » Thu Oct 02, 2014 2:56 am
Hey everyone. I'm 28, from Kentucky. I've been married to my high school sweet heart for 9 years, together a total of 12. We have 2 kids, a 3yo amd an 8yo. Anyway, he truly is the love of my life. He completes me. He's my best friend and who I'm meant to be with. Despite feeling this way, I have never been faithful to him. In our 9 year marriage, I've had 4 affairs. 1 with his brother-in-law and 1 with his best friend, who was my best friends husband. And whats even sicker, is I never wanted to in the beginning. I would get in a situation and I physically couldnt say no. In would be screaming it on the inside but would go along with it just because I was afraid saying no would make them hate me. But then I would like it, the attention, feeling wanted and pretty. The last affair was the most emotional one. It started like the others. We were friends, he propositions me, I cant say no and then after a few times, I start liking it, but only after he started telling me he was falling for me. And even though I didn't really feel that way back, something in me thought " wow, it must be real then" and I'd start saying I love you back and actually believing I do. So any way, hubby finds out and I start therapy. Ive always felt different. Ive always known something was wrong with me. Turns out i have hpd, except I only like exclusive attention. I hate being the center of a large groups attention. Something about a mans attention, even if I cringe on the inside at first, does something for me. It has to or I wouldnt do it. I literally cant say no. If a guy even checks me out, it does something for me. If a married man picks me over his wife, it does something for me. I over react, I'm extremely jealous amd self conscious. I want to be everyone's only one. I dont wanna be this way. I hate myself. I have ruined our lives and I have no idea why. I never wanted an affair, or a different guy. Something is missing in me, I feel that. I dont feel empathy or feelings like I should. And I think when I can make another guy literally fall for me, it makes me think for a second that maybe that's whats missing in my life. But ive realized, nothing is missing, its something wrong with me. Im sick of myself. I had a dysfunctional childhood, absent father, a mom who disliked me bc of who my dad was and was an alcoholic and ditched me weekends, summers, etc to go out and party. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just gliding through life but not really living. I always want something to look forward to, big plans, dates, vacations, etc..I dont feel like I appreciate the normal every days. I feel numb emotionally a lot. I love my husband and my kids but I kind of feel like im pretending for everyone else. I just started therapy a few weeks ago and my husband and I are still coexisting. We have good days but mostly bad. Hes angry and we fight a lot. He wants to see what the therapist says before he decides anything. I dont have a lot of hope but at the same time, I cant imagine him leaving. We've always been together. I need him. Hes the only good guy I've ever met. I love him! Im just terrified there isnt any hope, that ill always feel this way. That I wont ever get better. I have possibly ruined my marriage for guys that I didnt even like, guys that would make me cringe when they touched me. Yet I couldnt say no. It was like I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I would sacrifice myself just to make sure people that didnt matter liked me & then once I knew they liked me, I started liking them. I really truly love my husband and want to make it work so badly. I cant take this.. What is wrong with me?