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HPD and Resentment

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HPD and Resentment

Postby crystal_richardson_ » Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:40 am

Do HPD harbour resentment about anything ? and how might that be expressed?
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby dkathleen » Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:57 am

I think I harbour deep resentment against my mother, for her rage and bullying that made me so afraid and appeasing and so...afraid of anger that I bury it until it expodes and then causes me deep pain. I don't know how to deal with anger or be angry...and it scares me. I resent my mother because of this internal struggle. Not my only one for sure, but I wish I could experience anger like a normal person and work through it, rather than running from it. When I lose my temper now...which is NOT often...It feels intense and ugly, out of proportion and can scare the hell out of people. I still fantasize about how good it would feel to yell at my mother and defend myself like I couldn't as a child. When I get angry and explode..sometimes it feels like that's what I'm doing.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby crystal_richardson_ » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:06 am

you're very self-aware.

do you think resentment underlied any of your marital infidelity?
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby dkathleen » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:07 am

Yes, probably. Interesting question. I'm honestly not sure toward whom though...maybe my father, or my husband because I know I'm dependent on him and helpless and in some ways the dynamics of our relationship also feeds my HPD traits and he can control me and remind me daily of my weaknesses in the face of REALITY...but really, I am technically batshit crazy now, so why not try to make it work since we know more about what we are dealing with.

Being a cheater though...I have always been that...always, always, and never really taken responsibilty or analyzed how deeply the seductive goes. I am not sure what it will take to change this ingrained femme fatale behavior. I'm a bloody harlot.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby crystal_richardson_ » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:14 am

I was suggesting maybe resentment toward one of your parents...cheating for that reason

but anyway...

It is unconscious isn't it?

I find I am seductive AND DON'T EVEN MEAN TO

Like I don't even know I am being seductive...and people say I am being seductive

that's what makes me feel helpless to change it. because it's like on an unconscious level...

and before you know it, you've cheated.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby dkathleen » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:47 am

Yes, like that. Exactly. Though I'm self aware now with this raw insight... Knowing it...and changing it are different. It does feel very much like it's controlling me when it happens. Then again, I say that, yet honest analysis of my behavior... I'm predatory and aggressive. I'm very conscious on some level.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby dkathleen » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:24 am

But to respond to your original post, I do think it must be common to resent our parents, because they are most likely the ones who inflict the original damage...which eventually evolves into a personality disorder we have to face...or not. Thanks for screwing me up mom! Its not fair though really. Parents by nature of being human are totally imperfect. How can anyone not be screwed up in some way by their parents. And im sure if I had kids, I would have done something to damage their psyche in some way.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby crystal_richardson_ » Wed Mar 12, 2014 3:25 am

I don't plan on having kids...
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby dkathleen » Wed Mar 12, 2014 4:54 am

Yes, I made that choice also. Now I know why.
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Re: HPD and Resentment

Postby crystal_richardson_ » Wed Mar 12, 2014 5:00 am

Also....kids would just get in the way.

I don't know what it is...but when my friends started having kids (and a few have) it's like I lost interest in them (those friends)...

because all their attention went to their kids...like when I would visit them...their kids were always taking their attention...and I was like? "Ummm...look at me?" :?

I don't want kids around. Because I want the spotlight on me. I don't want 'kids' excuses...I want people all to myself...
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