Self diagnosed-terrified

I'm 42 years old and who knew I was such a screwed up mess a of a personality?? CERTAINLY NOT ME. After a second and devastating dramatic, ugly, callous episode of marital infidelity, involving several men, texts, Facebook, etc, my husband actually found this diagnosis FOR ME. He's brilliant, logical and clinical that way and simply could not think of any other explanation for the destructive, sabotaging, irrational, deceptive nature of my behavior over our ten years of marriage. The HPD description was so accurate... it was chilling and the most profound wake up call in my life. At the same time, I have a hard time admitting that this long list of unsavory characteristics belongs to me? How can I have such a disconnect between my actions and behavior and the person I thought I was? How can I be successful in education, work and socially and SO VERY WRONG inside and acting out these horrific emotions and needs on others? Turns out I'm a COMPLETE SHAM. I'm overwhelmed by this discovery and the accuracy of its description and the complete denial I was in about my behavior and actions--years and years of it. I am the most predatory seductress and was never aware or took responsiblity for the actions until now?? I rationalized that this must be what everyone goes through internally...yet have known more and more that I am not like others. I'm sad for the deep hurt, fear, self loathing and insecurity I carry around daily. I wish I could go back and protect that young, innocent child that created these mind warping defenses that have come to taint my entire identity and personality. Is this as serious as it feels...or am I just being a drama queen by nature of my "disorder"? How does a person accept that their entire pesonality is a "disorder"? Is it really possible and FAIR to remain in a marital relationship with this set of traits that are so potentially destructive and hurtful to my spouse and others? Seriously, what are my odds of treating this, controlling my behavior and staying married?? I am so thankful this forum exists.

Welcome to the forum Kathleen

To be honest i myself am torn a bit and am terrified also but i can feel and relate to what you feel. I cannot offer advice because I'm in such a state now in my mind and feelings are like they are split between "my traits" and my wanting to get better.

I have my post here


histrionic-personality/topic133252-20.html

(its on pages 3 and 4 under my username p0ster) and I'm new here too I'm sharing my story with you so you don't feel alone in this as i did when i first posted in the links above. I'm sorry I'm partly writing this for attention but Its too strong to ignore.

There are alto of insightful people here, people going through what I'm going through and what you are going through. But they are supportive and didn't make me feel like a freak.


I'm sorry i could not post anymore than i did. But i wanted to say welcome to the forum and you are not alone in this.

Maybe we can find out properly about us but i will say these people here are good people and in a way i don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you can find the same too. And find answers to the questions you are asking

Take care

Hi DKathleen and welcome
It's great you have gotten some idea of HPD, and how it might apply to yourself. However, one precaution I should mention is one shouldn't rely too heavily on a self-diagnosis. Although you could be very right about yourself, nevertheless the chance exists that you could be wrong.

It's a better move to file away what you have learned, and then go see a professional when you can. You can ask him or her for a diagnostic evaluation. What might be interesting is keeping mum on what you think fits you, and see if the diagnostician comes up with something similar.

Reason being, we all probably benefit from an objective professional opinion, apart from the potentially tangled forest our various self schemas and self-images can sometimes be. Even shrinks go to other shrinks for this cautionary reason.

Thank you both, poster for the welcome and your honesty, and thank you, orion for the sound advice. Thats a good thing to find here. HPD resonates with me and so many of my traits and especially the pattern of my thoughts, actions, relationships, going back as far as I can remember, BUT, I know there are other PDs and that we are all are suffering from these traits in some form or another, whether mild or chronic. We are all only human after all. I also know my well meaning husband is not the most objective.I do plan on visiting a Psychologist or Phychiatrist to get a diagnosis confirmation or not. Of all the health care providers, choosing a mental health professional makes me the most tentative, for obvious reasons and also because there are some kooky ones out there and obviously need to feel comfortable. I appreciate some of the resources posted here. I'd still like to hear more first hand experience about the success rate in marraiges for aware HPDs who seek treatment. I can see why being AWARE of these behaviors and actions puts individuals in a better place to start addressing them. On the other hand...how much does it really take to control and change behavior so ingrained...? My husband has dealt with quite enough...

dkathleen wrote:...BUT, I know there are other PDs and that we are all are suffering from these traits in some form or another, whether mild or chronic. ...

No idea on the statistical questions, but yes to this. Really people with PD's aren't that different from anyone else in terms of how they think/feel. The difference is a matter of degree, and that because of the tendency toward extremes, interferes with their relationships and their own long term happiness.

I've been on this forum a few years now. There are a few posters on here that have turned their lives around, usually with the help of a therapist, and got to the bottom of why, and ... the important part - have written that they are much happier with who they are now. So it is possible to change, at least for some.

Thanks xdude, it's good to hear people can affect change in their own lives even with the personality traits working counter to happiness. I guess after reading so much about the negative aspects of HPD and others, it's hard to see a bright spot, but I'd like to believe I can be happier and at the very least...stop damaging other people's lives.

good luck Kathleen with finding out more and seeing somebody about it if you choose to do so

I myself have lots of questions still before I decide to see somebody or not but I sent a PM to somebody on here about what I should do so I hope that will help me choose a course of action.

If at any time you have doubts or just want to ask more questions you can always come back and post here.

Plenty come here even for one sentence questions lol and lots of support here or just to tell the forum how they are getting on.

good luck and take care

does your husband read your posts on here dkathleen ?

and in response to what do you think you created these defences as a child ?

Crystal, yes I've shared a couple posts with him, he doesn't participate in the forum otherwise. Why do you ask?

might help him better understand...