by dkathleen » Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:33 pm
I'm 42 years old and who knew I was such a screwed up mess a of a personality?? CERTAINLY NOT ME. After a second and devastating dramatic, ugly, callous episode of marital infidelity, involving several men, texts, Facebook, etc, my husband actually found this diagnosis FOR ME. He's brilliant, logical and clinical that way and simply could not think of any other explanation for the destructive, sabotaging, irrational, deceptive nature of my behavior over our ten years of marriage. The HPD description was so accurate... it was chilling and the most profound wake up call in my life. At the same time, I have a hard time admitting that this long list of unsavory characteristics belongs to me? How can I have such a disconnect between my actions and behavior and the person I thought I was? How can I be successful in education, work and socially and SO VERY WRONG inside and acting out these horrific emotions and needs on others? Turns out I'm a COMPLETE SHAM. I'm overwhelmed by this discovery and the accuracy of its description and the complete denial I was in about my behavior and actions--years and years of it. I am the most predatory seductress and was never aware or took responsiblity for the actions until now?? I rationalized that this must be what everyone goes through internally...yet have known more and more that I am not like others. I'm sad for the deep hurt, fear, self loathing and insecurity I carry around daily. I wish I could go back and protect that young, innocent child that created these mind warping defenses that have come to taint my entire identity and personality. Is this as serious as it feels...or am I just being a drama queen by nature of my "disorder"? How does a person accept that their entire pesonality is a "disorder"? Is it really possible and FAIR to remain in a marital relationship with this set of traits that are so potentially destructive and hurtful to my spouse and others? Seriously, what are my odds of treating this, controlling my behavior and staying married?? I am so thankful this forum exists.