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Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

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Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby elbow27 » Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:18 pm

I was until one week ago in a relationship with a beautiful woman, whom I love dearly (let's call her R). She loves(or loved) me a great deal too. It could be the case that there was too much love.

I've considered myself a sex addict for at least ten years. I'm 27, but it started in my late teens for a number of reasons. E.g. I was married at 19 with a girl I'd met at 15. It was an incredibly emotionally abusive and suffocating marriage which lasted until I was 25.

I saw my mother have sex with a lot of men when I was a child. Including one incident involved a 15-year old friend of mine when I was 12 years old. I've been in therapy for some time but it's had a limited effect on my addiction.

When R and I met, we fell in love very quickly. The first three months were bliss. And then in the fourth month I started to realise that R too had quite a bit of emotional baggage. Not a sex/love addict as such, but a history of using male attention to make herself feel better. This was apparently continuing into the first three months of our relationship. She did a number of things - inadvertently most likely - which set off my insecurity and rejection complex quite acutely.

We decided to keep going for another nine months. We had a great number of happy times. We were planning a life together and trying to work with our issues. My sex addiction feelings disappeared in the first three months but came back once these issues of hers came back out and we entered a spiral of insecurity and pain.

Now one week ago, a number of very private emails came to light for R in a very humiliating and public way - that her friends have all seen too - which highlighted the extent of my addictive 'acting out' over the last six months. Details of porn sites I'd visited. Texts of ads I'd posted looking for NSA sex in her home (even though I never did follow through and never intended to).

She has not spoken a single word to me since. My friend went to get my stuff from her apartment. She has expressed a desire to be left alone.

I know she is feeling extremely hurt, betrayed and angry. She must also be sad that our relationship has ended. We had a very deep connection. In fact it has been suggested that there was 'too much' love and it was an entanglement that was doomed from day one because we were both so emotionally f'd up.

--

Now I am really at a loss. I feel absolutely devastated at losing this woman, the love and light of my life. I feel angry at myself - so angry - for betraying and hurting her. I know she is in deep pain and I hate that I cannot comfort her as is my instinct. I want to sit down and talk with her and explain why I did what I did; not explain it away but put some context into it.

I want one day for there to be a route back. Although I know her mind, and I know how stubborn she is when she's hurt.

I miss her dearly. I'm in such a huge amount of pain and grief right now.

--

Help.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby Ada » Sat Dec 15, 2012 12:32 pm

That's such a hard situation, elbow27. Complex indeed. Is your therapy tackling the addiction itself or the underlying issues? If it's focused on the symptoms rather than the cause, that might be a reason for it not helping as much as it should. You could ask your therapist to refocus, or perhaps look for other approaches to the problems.

The reason I ask is because I can't see how adding context will change the situation with R right now. She might understand you a little better. But it won't help her trust you or open any doors to a future connection. And it risks coming across to her as trying to "justify" it, which is clearly not what you intend. Whereas taking steps to make permanent changes, might demonstrate how much you regret what happened and how determined you are that it won't happen again. And that also gives you something positive to focus on for now. I think she'll need some time to get over what has happened, not just your betrayal but the public outing of it all.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby elbow27 » Sat Dec 15, 2012 12:45 pm

Thank you for your response, Ada. It turns out the therapist I'd been seeing for a year wasn't satisfying my need to deal with this particularly complex addictive behaviour. So in the last week I have found a new therapist - a specialist in sex addiction. A man also, which I think is part of my problem (all previous therapists were women, I may or may not have issues relating to women).

She needs time, and I'm sure she will heal somewhat in time. However, knowing her emotional state inside and out, I believe she is quite unforgiving. She tends to wrap herself up in her pain and focus on that so acutely that nothing else would ever enter her mind (forgiveness, understanding, somebody else's POV etc.). It's her right to live her life that way I guess. It just means I'll never have a chance to make amends directly to her.

So instead, I will make a general amends. It's my intention to deal with my problems comprehensively and then commit my life to helping others with the same problems.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby Ada » Sat Dec 15, 2012 1:00 pm

Maybe once some time has passed, you could write to her [old-fashioned, I know.] And put some of this to her. It might be that if she's not under pressure to respond [as in a conversation] she might be able to give it some more thought. It would indeed be a shame for her to let a bad event, however painful, take over life.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby MikeAngel » Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:12 pm

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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby rossy » Tue Dec 25, 2012 12:06 pm

*mod edit*
Last edited by Ada on Tue Dec 25, 2012 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Water filters are unlikely to help with the OP's concern.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby Hope spammer1 » Thu Dec 27, 2012 6:29 am

[url]So instead, I will make a general amends. It's my intention to deal with my problems comprehensively and then commit my life to helping others with the same problems.[/url]

That's the spirit. Stay focused on your next move.
Don"t give up like others have. Go find your happiness.
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Re: Complex mix of extreme grief and extreme guilt

Postby Jim in Texas » Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:37 pm

Men who don't want to become fathers need sex like fish need bicycles. There is nothing sex can give you that you can't get from masturbation except having kids. Your visiting pornography sites
is nothing that your ex-fiancée should have been any more concerned with than guys looking at the
swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated which is essentially the same thing since there is no health risk
like AIDS to worry about in fantasy sex. I've visited pornography sites for as long as I've had a computer and I've been faithfully married to a woman whom I've never kept that a secret from for
over 26 years now. Never try to keep anything secret in a long term intimate relationship because
sooner or later it's going to come out. Making on-line ads for sex partners, however is something
it's perfectly understandable your ex-fiancée would object to because if you planned to keep
the appointments that would make you a risk to her health and if you tell her you didn't plan to keep them that just tells her you're capable of leading women on with lies for some sort of a
sexual thrill and she has no way of knowing if you're lying to her too. Your mother's promiscuity
is a wonderful excuse for your own behavior, as Alexander Dumas said of his father's promiscuity,
but each of us makes our own choices. My mother was married twice and was in a relationship
with two different men when she died. Both of my sisters have had similar issues sometimes
their fault and sometimes simply poor judgment in men. My first girlfriend before I got married
had a history of promiscuity like Janis Joplin's but as long as she kept her commitment to me
I kept mine to her. Don't make commitments you don't plan to keep. Everybody makes mistakes
but everybody should have the opportunity to show they've learned from their mistakes and grow.
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