Six years ago I lost my dad unexpectedly.
I was in my early 20s then, and things have never been the same. I have this feeling inside me every second of the day like something isn't right, something is wrong, like I cannot sit because there is something I need to do to make things right, but it is impossible to make things right.
I feel I have crumbled as a human being. I get very angry when I see old people, and feel infuriated when I see old people who smoke or seem like they have lived a hard life, because I feel they should not be alive, my dad should be alive. He's never smoked, never drank, always lived a good life and always did the right thing.
I have become devoid of any feeling. I watch the news about something tragic happening and it doesn't trigger any kind of emotional response anymore.
I have become completely indifferent to people dying, because my dad deserved to live, he really deserved to live, so why should anyone else live.
And my dad was such a great man. I don't mean simply an amazing father, which he was, but a truly great man. He achieved so much in his life. He started with nothing, and all by himself gained huge amounts of respect and status. When he was a kid he walked bare foot to school in winter because his parents could not afford shoes. And within a few decades he had a personal chauffeur driving him in the latest German luxury automobiles.He has managed to change the direction of his country for the better. Everyone listened to what he said, and everyone did exactly what he said. He had even gained such status that he had immunity from police. But with all that power, he was still a kind, benevolent and generous man who never took advantage of anyone, always did the fair and right thing, and never treated anyone badly or as if they were beneath him. He had time for everyone and he helped everyone he could.
He was truly one of the very few truly great men on this earth.
What happened should not have happened. I feel I have to make things right, I have to fix what is wrong. But I am afraid of what this means.