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Lost my dad 6 years ago

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Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby Maniakos » Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:35 pm

Six years ago I lost my dad unexpectedly.
I was in my early 20s then, and things have never been the same. I have this feeling inside me every second of the day like something isn't right, something is wrong, like I cannot sit because there is something I need to do to make things right, but it is impossible to make things right.

I feel I have crumbled as a human being. I get very angry when I see old people, and feel infuriated when I see old people who smoke or seem like they have lived a hard life, because I feel they should not be alive, my dad should be alive. He's never smoked, never drank, always lived a good life and always did the right thing.

I have become devoid of any feeling. I watch the news about something tragic happening and it doesn't trigger any kind of emotional response anymore.
I have become completely indifferent to people dying, because my dad deserved to live, he really deserved to live, so why should anyone else live.

And my dad was such a great man. I don't mean simply an amazing father, which he was, but a truly great man. He achieved so much in his life. He started with nothing, and all by himself gained huge amounts of respect and status. When he was a kid he walked bare foot to school in winter because his parents could not afford shoes. And within a few decades he had a personal chauffeur driving him in the latest German luxury automobiles.He has managed to change the direction of his country for the better. Everyone listened to what he said, and everyone did exactly what he said. He had even gained such status that he had immunity from police. But with all that power, he was still a kind, benevolent and generous man who never took advantage of anyone, always did the fair and right thing, and never treated anyone badly or as if they were beneath him. He had time for everyone and he helped everyone he could.

He was truly one of the very few truly great men on this earth.
What happened should not have happened. I feel I have to make things right, I have to fix what is wrong. But I am afraid of what this means.
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby TROJAN » Fri Aug 17, 2012 8:49 am

Maniakos, it sounds from what you have written, like you have not accepted your Father's death. I am in a similar boat. When my Father passed 20 years ago, from cancer, I was 27, and it was just so quick.
He was diagnosed 6 weeks prior to his death. I found the idea of accepting the loss, like telling myself it was alright that he had died, and in my head, it wasn't. He was 59.

Your father was obviously very successful in his life, and you are, and should be very proud of that.
Have you had any sort of bereavement counselling? Are you able to visit your Father's grave? If so, go and sit by it, and talk as if you are talking to him. Tell him how you feel. You never know, it might help to get your feelings out.
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby Maniakos » Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:14 pm

Thanks for the reply Trojan.

I am having a hard time understanding what it is that I am meant to accept.
I cannot tell myself that it is alright that my dad passed away, because it is not alright. It should not have happened and I find myself constantly feeling that this cannot be real, like what has happened is an impossibility. I often have dreams, where I am dreaming within my dream about this nightmare, and I wake up in my dream with a sense of relief that it was simply a bad dream, and then I wake up in real life only to realize that after all it was not just a dream, but rather the harsh reality that is.

I have not had any counseling, and for numerous reasons I am unable to. I may be able to have counseling further in the year but I feel that it would be unfair to my dad for me to try and feel better.

I go to his grave every week, often more than just once, and I do talk to him, but all I can say is how much I love him and how much I miss him. I cannot say more than that, because to me the great man I know is not really there.
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby TROJAN » Sat Aug 18, 2012 8:38 am

I had a major problem with the acceptance part, for the very same reason. It is never alright for us to lose someone before their time.

The counselling would be to help you deal with your feelings of loss, not necessarily make you feel better so that you can move on and forget about your father, because you never will. He was a big part of your life, and you will carry that with you every day. You just learn to move forward in your life, and eventually the pain and feeling of loss get easier to live with.

I don't have a grave that I can visit, but when you go to your Father's, why don't you talk to him about what you have done with your day? I don't know if you have a faith, but talking to him might bring you some comfort.
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby positivethinking » Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:37 pm

It sounds as if you were a blessing in the life of your father, as well. What a wonderful and heartfelt tribute to such a dedicated and honorable man. Rather than dwell on the passing of your father try to move forward in the direction that he would have hoped for you. He sounds like a man that let nothing stand in his way and that he achieved greatness because he believed that's what he was capable of. There is no question in my mind that he passed the same down to you and he would want you to go forth and conquer. I am so very sorry for your loss!
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby audreypell » Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:52 pm

I just came across your post today. Incomplete grief is a very painful emotion. No one ever comes to what has been called "closure" but you can come to completion. I would recommend you read
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Freeman. You can also visit their website, www.griefrecoverymethod.com and order their book on their site. It's never too earl of late to recovery from a loss.
Be well.
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Re: Lost my dad 6 years ago

Postby delamo » Fri Oct 12, 2012 5:26 am

I'm sorry for your loss, I just lost my dad five weeks ago and I am going downhill with worsening depression..I feel like you, my dad was such a remarkable man, he was raised in poverty and worked his way up to being a successful person, he also was devoted to his family...I am not interested in a world without my dad because he was one of the few good ones left..no doubt I will end up in the hospital fighting a vicious battle with depression the rest of my life...I just need to hear his sweet voice...I guess we were both very blessed to have such good fathers. We grieve a lot because we loved a lot...but I don't believe in moving on, that's offensive because I will never let go of my dad...I think I will just have to somehow get thru my life but will not really be able to have happiness much anymore..
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