Well let me start off by saying that I am very new to this experience I have been having and let me give you a little background about myself.
20 years old
Of good health
Chronic Marijuana smoker (high levels of THC)
Done Mushrooms once and had a very traumatic and terrible trip.
Basically I am wondering if I am going crazy or not, now I know that people who lose touch with reality often cannot tell that they are and my downfall is that I am a super analytical person.
A few weeks ago a had a Panic Attack, I had classic symptoms of impending doom and depersonalization and derealization. I felt like I wasn't right and that something really REALLY bad was about to happen to myself.
Now under the affects of mushrooms I had felt like this, however because of the drugs, I had been convinced that reality was all in my head and that I did not exist, that everyone in the world was painfully aware that I all of this was all in my head. Now of course after the the drugs had worn off I had realized that I was being ridiculous but I could not shake the feeling or those thoughts of me not being real, ever.
Since then, whenever I smoked marijuana I would start to feel like this again, the thoughts of me not being real, like im going crazy, and then panic ensues. I can act like I am fine on the outside but in actuality I am fighting a battle inside my mind to stay sane.
Now that I have had a panic attack sober I cannot get these thoughts that I am not real to go away. Sure there are many times a day where I don't think about it, but any small thing can respark these thoughts and I have to keep myself in check. When I get aggravated, start to worry about what i'm going to do with my day, I can feel this panic start to arise and I believe that this constant suppression is taking a huge toll on my emotions, I feel largely out of touch with them...not to mention that for the past three weeks I have felt like im living in a dream and that everything is somewhat off
this does NOT help with the constant worry of if I am real or not :/
Recently I have been living on my phone looking up symptoms and wondering what is going wrong with me (classic anxiety) and I am starting to have a deep fear that I may be schizophrenic, I am starting to correlate and make connections with things from my past as well as over thinking things in my present that I would never normally second guess. For example I hear a lady in a restaurant ask the customer if he wants "schizo green beans" i know for a fact that is not what she said but why is it that I thought that she said that? I also hear a song that has a phrase "no brain" in it and I hear "go crazy" I am also starting to get very paranoid if I am hearing voices or not and trying to ask people if they hear what I hear, I will also rewind the TiVO to make sure I heard what I heard correctly. Is it possible that anxiety can cause me to become schizophrenic?
I've done like 5 tests online to test for early signs of schizophrenia and all of come back with no signs of it and that is re assuring but I cant seem to shake these worries. My gift(not supernatural or magical
) of being super analytical is now becoming my curse
I have always had this thing where I do not express the real emotion I am feeling, if i am mad at my girlfriend I always tell her its ok, or to anyone for that matter. i also used to worry if my friends didnt want to hangout with me because when they didnt answer their phones id send like like 2 texts and call them to see why they werent answering..
I have three recurring dreams. 1) Teeth falling out 2)End of the world 3)cant control my car....
Oh, I also have ridiculously vivid dreams and deju vu that have been very frequent over the course of my life. if that says anything?
Basically my main problems as of now are: my worry if i am not real, this feeling of me being high and out of touch with reality/myself, worries if I am schizophrenic, the issue of me thinking i am really suppressing myself.
are these worries just typical anxiety or am i bordering on a more obsessive/dissociative disorder..or is it all just stemming from anxiety..
I believe my biggest fear is not being in control...almost phobic