Hi my name is Niko. I’m 20 years old.
To put it in the simplest of words, I’m completely lost in life right now. I have absolutely no idea why. To elaborate a bit, it seems like there is a ‘wall’ between myself and the outside world. I feel absolutely no connection to anybody, no matter how hard I try to. As a result, social situations become extremely awkward and frightening for me. Sure, I can handle being in public without anxiety or panic attacks, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Being in public is one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me now that I cannot connect with my fellow students and coworkers. I’ve always been a shy person, even when I was a little boy. I’ve always thought of my shyness as a sort of personal defense against rejection. However, this innocent shyness has evolved into a nightmarish monster that I cannot control. Even when I try to make a personal connection with people, I feel as if they think that I am uninteresting, unintelligent, etc. This has caused a great deal of stress for me, and has caused me to become lazy, and emotionless. I can never finish something I start. When I finally find my ‘purpose’ in life, I pursue it for a few months at a time, only to either find a ‘new’ purpose, or completely abandon the old one. This I have never understood, and it has gone on my entire life.
This ‘wall’ between myself and the outside world is slowly driving me insane. There are some days where I feel like I’m holding so much in that if I tried to hold anymore I’d explode. I have absolutely nobody in my life that I can connect with. I guess this is just extreme loneliness in a way.
While these feelings are EVER PRESENT in my mind, there are some days where I feel as if I could conquer the world….days in which I will be so bursting with confidence that I will accomplish many of the things I normally do in a day, but couldn’t before due to the overwhelming stress and disinterest in life. These feelings are usually very short lived.
I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. I have led a pretty normal life until now. I have always been a strong person. I finished Infantry Training for the United States Army earlier this summer (which believe me, not many people can finish). I’ve battled and overcome drug addiction. I’ve held the hands of those close to me while they were in their final moments. I have learned much, and I have seen much. Right now, being in the Army is the only thing keeping me alive and hopeful (literally.)
I don’t feel depressed, rather, I feel lost, hopeless, and honestly a bit afraid. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel like I could lose it at any minute.