I always have to make everyone happy

I need some advice. I am a 43 year old mother of two daughters. They are 18 and 20. the 20 year old is newly married but has had it rough up until recently. Had an abusive boyfriend, job issues, etc. She has a good husband now but both are pretty immature. My 18 year old is getting ready to graduate high school and is already taking college classes. Will start college next fall as a sophomore. she has a boyfriend of three years. they are perfect for each other but have had it rough the past 6 months. My problem is that I constantly have to make sure everyone is happy. I will do anything no matter what it is to make sure both my girls are happy. I do things I shouldn't do, get involved in things that I shouldn't all because I can not allow them to be unhappy. Because of all the issues my older daughter had I tend to baby my younger one too much which she has grown to love but it is now causing problems with my husband and with her boyfriend. they intend to get married after she graduates college. She has also learned how to play me to her advantage because she knows I will do it every time. My older one gets mad because she says I play favorites and I guess I sometimes do. I always try and smooth over everything in any of their fights. I will sugar coat anything any of them says to the other one just to keep them from fighting further. I have become all of their mediators. Since June I have lost almost 50 lbs due to the fact I can't eat. My stomach is always in knots. I don't sleep much, my brain won't shutdown. All I think about are the what if's. I have recently started experiencing severe headaches. all of a sudden my heart will just feel like it is pounding out of my chest and will last for quite some time. My stomach hurts a lot of the time so I am probably giving myself an ulcer. I try to stop all this but I can't. The what if's are killing me, that is all I think of. Everyone says leave them alone and they will work it all out themselves but they have had some issues recently where if they broke up i know they would see it as the worst mistake of their life and both are so hard headed I don't know if they would admit it to the other one or not. They love each other deeply but both are pig headed and stubborn and always need to be right. I know they are just going through a rough patch with her senior year. She is 18 and he is turning 20. he works full time and she works part time and goes to school and college. All have been growing pains. both are spoiled. However, she is too uptight all the time and he is way to not uptight so they balance each other. They are excellent for each other and will be fine once she graduates high school. We just have to get to June. his grandfather committed suicide on christmas day and he is too macho to let anyone help him so that is an issue. My other daughter is so immature that she constantly wants me to help with everything. You can't tell her anything and she is always right. As you can see I have created monsters and I am killing myself. My husband is mad because he says I put everyone else ahead of him and I know he is right but I can't stop. I don't want to go on medication, I was on it for quite a few years for depression and I hated it. Don't tell me just to stop because I can't. I need some suggestions of things I should try to save my sanity. Somedays I feel like I am going to loose my mind and other days I just want it all to be over. Please help me.

Hey,

Your username isn't very suitable because you are not crazy at all. the one positive that you have overlooked is that you are a caring person who clearly wants the best for her daughters. However, they have to learn how to live 'life' themselves and will have to make their own mistakes. i'm not going to tell you to 'let go' or to just 'stop' behaving the way you do, but try to think back to when you were their ages - How did your mother treat you?; and were you happy with how you were treated? Maybe the way you are treating your daughters now is because you don't want them to make mistakes that you might have made all those years ago... ...?

Kevin

My mother was not really involved with my life. She was totally the opposite of me, she was completely hands off and it upset me. I guess that is part of the reason I do what I do. My daughters boyfriend has always come to me for help with their relationship and a lot of other things because his mother is exact opposite of me. She is very rude and not nice to my daughter so my daughter and her boyfriend have had several discussions over her treatment of my daughter and my daughter doesn't go around his house much, also a point of issue. My daughter broke my heart last night by telling me that he said that he is very annoyed with me that I am a pest and always pushing too hard and he told her he doesn't know how she does it. Nevermind just a week ago he was coming to me for help. He has been telling me for a year that he loves me like a mother, I don't understand. I guess he views me now like she views his mother. I can't win no matter what I do. I am so tired of all this. I don't know how much more I can take or if I even want to anymore. What is the point.

Hi,

That is a dangerous scenario to be in - i.e. to have your daughter's boyfriend confiding in you. The relationship is theirs and I think you should make it clear to him that you cannot be the counsellor for them both. Imagine how your daughter feels when she hears that he's talking to you about her? Id be upset, and I think you'd be too if you were in her position. I'm not condemning you though, because i do understand your point of view too: You want to help people and are only happy when everyone else is; but in this case I really think it'd be best to put up your hand and let them develop the relationship in whatever way they wish.

I used to have a lot of problems with one former girlfriend of mine. Well, the problems weren't with her - They were with both of our parents. So, what did we do? We arranged various meetings to talk about the relationship. We basically just sat down over a tea/coffee and talked. Maybe you could try that?

Kevin