Okay first I have to say thankfully I found this site and after reading several postings, it helps to know there are other people out there facing similar situations and that there is help and such.
Anyways, I am hoping that someone or several people might either be able to relate to my story or help me figure out what is up. First off a little background; I turned 27 in May, I am female, I grew up very poor, and I well, I have a bit of a past...
I was molested at ages 4-5 by my fathers best friend and drug buddy, who threatened to kill me if I told anyone, this went on a bit over a year or two because my dad would take my brother and I (my brother is two years younger) when he did drugs. I finally told my mom at 12 because she noticed I was acting strange.
At 5 just after you learn about stranger danger, a guy pulled up and tried to tell us our mom was in the hospital sick and we needed to get into his car (using all the ploys of candy and puppies). I realized what it was and ran away with my brother.
At 7 there was someone hidden in a tree when I was playing around the back of the apartment. My babysitter told me to come in, and I heard him threatening to hurt me. I remember running for my life and being really scared because I could hear someone behind me.
When I was 8 I had a kid try to slit my throat in the apartment complex we were living in, right outside his apartment, his mom was in there, but not paying attention. Thanks to my brother and the ice cream man, I got away, the kid buried the knife in the playground and I remember having to talk to the police and it was really pretty scary.
When I was 14 I was nearly shot in the head by a drunken guy while camping with my mom and step dad.
My mom married 4 times, is currently homeless living party girl lifestyle, she is 53. I found out a while back that she also has been into drugs most our lives. My dad was out of our lives from age 6 on, I recently found him. My mom married this last guy when I was 12 he was physically, mentally, verbally, and sexually abusive. The last one was one that only I dealt with. He is a felon as well, my mom knows how to pick them, she cheated on our one good step dad with him, then married this guy moving us to Oregon from Alaska. He would point guns, shout, scream, hit us, punch us, throw us, whatever... I will save you the whole sordid story because it's long and it's bad. He molested me one time while drunk when I was 15, my mom still won't believe it. No one ever helped, and my mom started becoming worse. I moved out at 18 by myself, had a job, never got help, and that was the end of that, I haven't looked back since.
My past is my past, I can't change it, all I have done is tried to learn from it and help others. I never had what a lot of kids have, I started college 3 years ago on financial aide. I had tried flunking out of high school to prove a point to my step dad, wasn't supposed to graduate, but I pulled it together last minute and I graduated with honors on time. I have removed myself from everything that reminds me of that past, the people, etc... I have never done a drug in my life that wasn't ibuprofen for example, not even pot. Anything that reminds me of what I hated growing up is gone. I have great friends, and everyone is from a different walk. Make sense?
Anyways, back to the actual issue... When I was I think 16 or 17 there was a school shooting that was on TV, Kip Kinkle I think if I remember properly, he shot up the school and killed his parents. I remember that day because I remember shortly after going into a kind of shock, being sad, despite all the horrors I have been through and seen, it occurred to me that I could be like that kid. I started worrying and becoming plagued with thoughts that I might be like that. It freaked me out and scared me really bad. I stopped enjoying anything, even that little bit of joy that I had I felt so numb. I had been suicidal at one point not from that issue but just all the bad I was surrounded with, I was jealous of my brother, I hated him, but mostly I hated myself (I was teased a lot as a kid and I do have low self-esteem).
I've always been a good kid, I still feel bad about this time when I was 8 that I pulled the legs off of a daddy long legs like my brother and his friends to watch them wiggle afterwards. Mind you I'm a huge animal lover, been rescuing them since I was 5, still do.
I babysit for poor families like mine for old magazines to make collages and peanut butter. I donated any money I got or earned for Christmas to kids that were worse off than me, even though our Christmas food came from a food donation box half the time, etc... Despite all this good, I have been back and forth many years that I am going to be this bad person and I don't know why. I know the trigger because I had never felt this way before, it was just then. It took all my will power to get these thoughts and worries out of my head, and things would be fine and they'd creep back up.
I finally mentioned it to my mom at one point, she said she had issues like that too and it took a while but she overcame them. I have made a point to speak to all of my friends about this, trying to come to an understanding about everything. I have an older boyfriend with teenagers, we have been together for 8 years. I moved in with him about 4 years ago and that has helped. Though I still have these bits where I worry about this issue and so many others that it literally when I think of that worry about being a bad person that it's making me sick.
This last week has been really hard, I've cried a lot and have been battling this same worry. I went to the bookstore and got a Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul, as well as, a fill in book about yourself. I get so tired of this, but I can't seem to stop it. It helped to read it, and writing this stuff in my book about myself also helps. However, I still and this has been going on for a while, feel like I could get more out of life but that I am not enjoying it as I should. It's hard to explain. I want to have that joy I hear about and stop being so negative and depressing.
I started looking into my symptoms and found I mostly fit GAD, I have had anxiety attacks as a teen when fighting happened, and now it's when I worry too. I feel sick, and am wondering if I am worrying myself sick. I just came to the realization that I am afraid to die (this is a new thing) also. I fear the future for many reasons, mostly because I have so many likes that I am having a hard time picking something...
Anyways, I am just curious, if anyone, anyone at all has gone through anything similar or been plagued by something like this. I know I am not a bad person, yet these thoughts and doubts keep coming up and it is scaring me. I haven't quite admitted that yet until now, and I would love for someone else's insight about this.
Any help would be great, I am sorry for so many words, this just touches the very surface with my past, and I've been wondering if that is part of my trigger with issues lately.
Another note, I have never been treated for anything, I have no wish for medication, I am scared of doctors because of a fear that they will confirm my fears (silly I know) among other things. I went once with my best friend and didn't go back. I just do my best in this grind and am hoping that I can get better understanding, grow as a person, and enjoy life more. I also found my dad after 20 years, and am trying to learn about him. Both of my grandfathers have passed on, I have a close relationship to the grandmother on my mom's side despite my mom sheltering us from family with the belief they weren't interested in us. My dad is very ill, and lives with his mom.
Cheers.
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