Anxiety ruining a good relationship?

Hi!

I'd like to start off by saying I have not necessarily been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but it does run in my family. My sister takes medication for her situational anxiety and both my father and mother have occasional episodes. I am open to hear others opinions on what could be causing my reaction to a new relationship outside anxiety disorders.

On that note, here comes a long story!

A little bit of back story about myself and relationships I have had, as well as relationships my family members have had. My personal boyfriend-girlfriend relationships have been not easy. My overall experiences with men have not been a smooth experience either. I have been manipulated, ignored, used, called names, raped, etc. I never felt sorry for myself. I have always coped by making light of situations and moved on. I am the type of person that I don't realize the intensity or wrongness of a situation until a friend enlightens me. My parents have never taken situations I have experienced in a serious manner either (perhaps this is what makes me the way I am?) After all these bad men experiences, I started to question sexuality, I was promiscuous most of my life and there was nothing more I feared than being stuck in a bad, abusive relationship and feeling vulnerable.

Now, with my family members relationships, they have all been very similar. My parents have a terrifyingly unhealthy relationship. My father is very controlling, an alcoholic, manipulating and belittling to my mother. I am my moms best friend and I try to stand up for her and take her mind off the bad. I have tried to convince her to get help and to leave him but it's not that easy. She's always told me to never settle for anything that is "just okay" and I've watched her relationship take a huge tole on her. I have never had a relationship with my dad. He has never asked me about school or asked to see an assignment, talked to me about problems, or generally just gotten to know me. This is something I also don't mind seeing as his personality is something I would never appreciate.

My sister has just ended a 5 year abusive relationship in which he called her names, went behind her back with other women and cheated emotionally, and basically made her life a living hell. He doesn't work, he's cheated the system and is on disability, he has a child with another woman, they have a 21 year age-gap (which is fine if it's healthy) he's also intensely overweight and brings nothing to the relationship. She complains about him constantly, every day and It's always the same thing. I don't feel sorry for her sometimes and I think that she could have made a better decision. My sister ran away from home to be with him because of my dads controlling personality.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO that all being said, let's get to me again. I met a man who I went to College with who I had a giant crush on. I felt like I got up and ready to see him in class every day. I have never felt so much lust for someone in my life. He eventually moved schools and we lost contact but two years later I've graduated and somehow he came along and we're now currently dating and I couldn't be happier. It's been about two months since we've became official and he tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful, he buys me little gifts and cooks me dinner and I am extremely attracted to him. Unfortunately we are long distance as he lives about an hour away. This means we're lucky if we see each other for a weekend. We still text every day, talk on the phone and sometimes send the occasional e-mail. I am happy. When I'm with him I escape reality.

Now that being said, every time he drops me off at my house and leaves me after a long weekend, something happens to me that scares me. I go to sleep that night and I can barely get an hour of sleep in. I am constantly waking up thinking about him. The following day I find that I feel pretty off and depressed. I start to regret everything. I start to wonder if he really does love me, I over-analyze everything he does and turn it into a negative... I basically just get terrified and think I am making a mistake. He teases me sometimes in a light-hearted way and he even states afterwords that he's kidding and that he loves me but it freaks me out. I start to think maybe I am lying to myself and that I don't love him like I do and that things aren't really all that great. I also think that one day when I want to marry him he won't want to marry me and when I want children with him he won't want them with me (he has stated before he doesn't really like the idea of marriage and kids but he's open to it.) When he doesn't text me back I feel like he hates me. Keep in mind I am currently unemployed (looking for a job as a post-graduate is definitely an ego-buster,) I don't have many friends, I have been stuck in the same house for 15 years with my parents, I have no money and no car. Very insecure right now and I feel like he is all I have.

Why am I so freaked out? Why can't I just relaxed and take things as they come? Is this because of my past with men or just the idea of being stuck in a bad relationship? Maybe it's the insecurity of being unemployed and feeling lonely? Is this some sort of separation anxiety? When I come home to my parents and this house I feel like I am losing my mind. There is nothing I want more right now than to be on my own with income and a car and a life.

Any opinion or insight would be wonderful! Thanks...

J

Hello, I am new to this forum, and can totally relate to your post. I have a bf who lives 2.5 hours away, I see him on weekends, and we're talking about moving in together after a year and a half of dating. He is affectionate, generous, respectful, sweet, loyal...he is perfect. But at the same time, I am super paranoid about the relationship when I am alone. My mind wanders to dark places. I was sexually abused as a kid and have had a string of bad relationships with abusive men, so I instinctively trust no one. I think this is where my paranoia/relationship anxiety stems from.

I constantly think I am not good enough and am convinced that he is not sexually attracted to me, even though we get very intimate. I always fear that he's secretly cheating on me, that he must have a second phone, computer, is hiding something from me. I have snooped on his computer, his room, and his phone...I feel so guilty and stupid afterwards, but when I do it, it's because my anxiety takes over me.

I am pretty sure this kind of worry stems from past experiences and triggers more anxiety. I think you can relax and enjoy the relationship as is. If he has not betrayed your trust, chances are that he is worth keeping. I am trying to do the same thing, as I do not want to ruin a good thing because o my insecurities.

You're not alone. Good luck.