I need some support to help my man pls.

Hello I am new here and looking for some support. I have recently started a relationship (2 months ago) with a man I believe may have Monophobia and other mental disorders. I have known this man as an acquaintance for over 35 years. I say acquaintance because we were friends but never really close. I knew him to be an angry guy in his younger years (we are both 50 now) but never really had to deal directly with it. I will try to make this to the point with as much info as possible without writing a novel about my situation. First off I have come to love this man we get along very well and I believe this could be a forever relationship so I want to try to understand him and help him deal with these issues as best I can

1. He cant sleep alone......I am used to watching TV and falling asleep. He needs silence and also likes me to be in bed with him to fall asleep but if he has some alcohol he can manage to get to sleep but when he awakes in the middle of the night and Im not there (sleeping on the couch which is a normal thing for me on occasion) he panics and comes to look for me.

2. He keeps in contact with me all day while he is at work via text and phone calls, If he cant get a hold of me he thinks the worst scenarios and becomes very anxious.

3. He cant stand crowded places..... if he is alone anxiety becomes very high but if he is with someone he can be taken down a few levels and handle it a little.

4. He over analyzes things and thinks of the worst scenarios all the time even though I try to ensure him and let him know I love him ( he fears dying alone and that I don't love him and will leave him always wondering what I am thinking of him)

5. A definite sex addiction. He would have sex 24/7 if he could. I don't think this is as severe as others may have it but it is definitely there. He claims that it (life) is all about love and sex=love and this is how we will become close. While I agree a little with this is how we will become closer, to me sex is not what a relationship should be based on. I want him to understand that if we don't have sex for say 3 nights in a row it doesn't mean I don't love or care for him it is mainly because of a medical problem of my own (sex sometimes causes great pain in me) he knows this and says he gets it but his thoughts take him elsewhere.

6. He is extremely possessive. We have many mutual friends and some are male friends that I have also known for many years. I am a caring person and when I see someone has a problem I try to help. Recently a friend was suicidal. I went and tried to help by talking to him and bringing some food and moral support. ( food cause he hadn't eaten in days and he is an alcoholic on a self destructive path) The fact that I went to his aid really disturbed my man and he doesn't want me doing it again. He also is very watchful of how other men look at me or talk to me. He is like an eagle stalking his prey just waiting for someone to make the wrong move.

7. I believe he has an anger issue. He can be brought to a level of anger that is sometimes hard to calm when someone wrongs him.

These are a few of the obvious situations. He can also be a very funny loving man that is fun to be around but that can change very quickly if one of these situations arises )

These are a few of the reasons I know of for some of his behaviors:

1. He had a rough childhood..... He was abused as a child physically, mentally and possibly sexually.
2. He lost his wife last year to a 6 year battle with cancer.
3. A woman that helped (not) with his loss and Monophobia got to know his needs and used them against him and literally torchered him for the last 9 months with her manipulative ways all the while telling him what a bad person he was, how his family and friends hated him and she was the only one who loved him, which sent him into a constant stress mode resulting in constant day in day out anxiety (since he has been with me he has calmed immensely as he is not constantly battling his bad thoughts)
4. He tends to drink a lot at least 4 times a week. He says it helps him sleep and deal with things. I know better. He is a functioning alcoholic who says he is not cause he can go a day or two without.

I tried to help before when he was with this woman because I saw the stress and anxiety taking over his good manner and he had suicidal thoughts. We went to the clinic and they prescribed Cipralex but he is a drinker and he said it changed him and made him feel very strange and he felt he couldn't function properly.

My question........Is there help out there? I live in Canada, he knows he has issues and wishes they didn't affect him so strongly but most doctors just want to prescribe and be done with you. Are there support groups for these disorders? I have thought of a support group for his grieving process but he says now that he is with me he is finally comfortable enough to be able to grieve for his loss because before his thoughts were to scattered with his present day to day existence with the other woman (might I add she said get over it everyone dies you need to move on

Thank you for taking the time to read my situation. Anyone who deals with these issues or some of them, I would be most grateful to talk and converse with you as a support person for each other. Have a great day!!!!

I don't want to sound simplistic after your very comprehensive, thoughtful post. But it sounds like you've already identified that he has anxiety, maybe among other issues - so is there a problem with him going into therapy? Maybe CBT, maybe exposure, maybe both - but anyway with someone who works with anxiety? The doctors may want to prescribe medications, and maybe they're right too, but are they saying no to therapy?? Is this a coverage issue or something he's resisted?

It certainly does not sound like something you can manage on your own. And has got to be taking a huge toll on you and your relationship. Anxiety disorders are very treatable though.

I agree with angelina. Your man sounds like he might profit a lot from CBT. Of course it is wonderful if you are there for him, supporting him. But these are issues that might need a professional. You both might be suprised what positive changes can result from this. I wish you all the best for the future. And congratulations for finding a love that might forever.

Thank you for your replies and support not sure what CBT is though???? ....lol Ive asked him about counselling but he insists that just being with me is calming him greatly. I think time is a great healer and having some good things to focus on is a big help he has had so much negativity for years. I imagine having his whole life plan taken away from him, really played a big roll in his anger towards life itself. Day by day he seems a little calmer. We will work on other things as they arise I suppose and they already have, but Ive been told I have a calming voice and I know I have a lot of patience.....have a nice day

Iwannahelphim wrote:Thank you for your replies and support not sure what CBT is though???

CBT is "cognitive behavioral therapy." It's a very common therapy for anxiety and/or depression. It is often short-term, and focuses on changing irrational and destructive thought patterns (like catastrophic thinking - maybe in his case "if I'm alone, something terrible will happen"). It also works on changing behaviors that contribute to anxiety and depression.

It's not the only kind of therapy for anxiety, but it is effective.

Iwannahelphim wrote:lol Ive asked him about counselling but he insists that just being with me is calming him greatly.

Well if his biggest fear is being alone, I'm sure that's true. But it doesn't necessarily mean his anxiety disorder is being helped. You may be inadvertently reinforcing the idea that he's not safe if he's alone by being around so much.

Iwannahelphim wrote:I think time is a great healer and having some good things to focus on is a big help he has had so much negativity for years. I imagine having his whole life plan taken away from him, really played a big roll in his anger towards life itself. Day by day he seems a little calmer. We will work on other things as they arise I suppose and they already have, but Ive been told I have a calming voice and I know I have a lot of patience.....have a nice day

I hope you're right, but the thing is, it does sound like he has an anxiety disorder - and anxiety disorders can be so disabling, but are so treatable, it's a shame if he doesn't get help for it. It could really speed up the healing and help him live a more functional life.