Now, before I start writing, I would like to say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being homosexual. I have an older brother who is gay and lives with his boyfriend, and I still accept him. I've always been really accepting of LGBT(Q)s my entire life.
When I was a little boy, I began to notice girls by thinking that they are "pretty". Soon after that, I would notice that whenever I would think about a "pretty" girl taking her clothes off or when I saw one of those Victoria's Secret/Girls Gone Wild commercials, my penis would go up. Hell, that happened when I saw a commercial about breast enlargements. I liked this sensation a LOT too. I would sometimes think about a man for the purpose of making my erection go DOWN. When I entered the 3rd grade, I started getting called "gay" and "#######1" a lot, mainly because I'm underweight and I suck at playing sports. Not only that, but I was, and still am, quite socially awkward around other people and was always a different kind of person, never wanting to be a clone of anybody else or follow the crowd. Always been insecure of myself as well because of all of the bullying and name-calling. I have NEVER had any type of crush on another guy, romantic or sexual, at least I THINK I didn't.
When I entered middle school, all of the girls started getting lumps on their chests if you know what I mean. I remember I masturbated nonstop to the thoughts of their breasts, bodies, legs, EVERYTHING! That whole time, I NEVER had a sexual or romantic thought about other boys. I got my first girlfriend/kiss at 17, but she left me for another guy within two weeks. I was then dating this other girl for about six weeks that same year, but she too, left me for one of her co-workers and put me in the friend-zone. I was DEVASTATED when it happened about 6 months ago, and I'm STILL not completely over it yet. I remember I enjoyed kissing her, feeling her up, dry fingering her and the sound of her moaning, or at least I THINK I did. Hell the reason the second one broke up with me was because I was "too clingy".After about 3 months of that breakup, I was dating this girl for about a month, then she again, put me in the friend-zone. For the next few weeks, I had to keep taking these "Am I Gay?" tests and scored "straight" every time. There has been this rumor going around the school that I'm gay and like men, simply because of the way I look(I guess you could call me a 'pretty boy'). Not only that, but I fit a good number of gay stereotypes and girls always treat me like a "gay best friend" when they meet me. And it doesn't help that I'm skinny as hell either.
Then, one night after that girl rejected me, my mind sort of told me, "You're gay! Everybody else could see it before, but why can't you!". It was a downward spiral from there. Here I am, thinking that my entire history, all of my feelings for girls, were a lie. I was on the verge of CRYING that night. It's been about two months since that happened, but it still bothers me. Before, I would get an erection and want to masturbate to ANY girl. Now, I can barely get an erection at all. I'll see an attractive girl and my first instincts are to go up to her and pass on my genes, but my mind keeps saying, "Are you REALLY attracted to girls? There's a reason why all of them friend-zoned you before". I've tried watching gay porn to see if I like it, but my penis is softer than my ex-girlfriend's boobs the entire time, but I'm still not assured, so I keep watching. Whenever I'm around my other male friends, I feel a slight terror in me. It's like my mind is making me believe I'm actually gay, and once I admit it, my "true life" will begin and the "truth will set me free". I'm scared that when I enter college, I'm going to either A) Have sex with a girl, find out I don't like it and realize I'm actually gay...or B) Get drunk, sleep with another man and realize I'm gay and only like men.
The only "gay" thing I can admit to doing is sometimes when I masturbate, I imagine either A) A muscular guy having sex with three girls, sometimes I'll imagine seeing through a first person view banging them and occasionally, there will be no girl visible at ALL. Or I either B) Think of one of my hot female friends, pair her up with a "hot stud"(WTF did I just type...) and make a porno out of it. But here's the catch: The guy's face is NEVER visible, and it is NEVER a guy I know...just a huge, chunk of "perfect" flesh. The thing that turns me on the most is that the girls are turned on and enjoying it a lot.
I can't really tell if I've always been insecure of who I am and this fear/anxiety is the top layer of it(cause I was insecure about things like my skinny body and being non-confident before this hit me), if I'm "transitioning" from straight to gay/bi, or if all of those feelings for girls I THINK I had was just a "phase" and now I'm realizing my "true self", even if I don't like it. I'm questioning EVERYTHING about myself: from the things I liked as a child(Legos, Bionicles, Star Wars, video games, fixing/building things) to THE GIRLS I (THINK) I CRIED OVER IN THE PAST!!