Hello from an FTM in the closet

So, yeah...I'm a 37 year old FTM that's in the closet. I've actually re-entered the closet. I tried to come out a few years ago. I first told my parents. They told me I could dress like a guy, but I'd have to leave the house if I got the operations (I have other problems that force me to stay at my parents). So, I stayed semi-out for a year and a half. During that time I mostly stayed in and only interacted with people online.

My mother was so ashamed that she told none of my family what was going on (they live in other states), and she continued to call me by my birth name. This attitude from my parents pretty much forced me back into the closet. I just didn't want to upset them anymore, so I told them I really wasn't FTM. Despite that I still wore guys and unisex clothes and pretty much acted like a male.

Recently I started wearing girls clothing and trying to act like a girl. My mom was so proud of me that she started buying me girls clothes and planning all this girl stuff with me. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want this. It's not me, but it makes my parents happy. What do I do?

Hi Bananafishbones, your Mum doesn't sound very supportive, but by coming out of the closet, you have at least made her aware of things that are going on for you. Shame she didn't accept the situation, but worse for you, bacause you plucked up the courage to reveal your true self, now you have gone back into hiding. This makes it doubley difficult to pluck up the courage to open the closet door a second time.
All I can suggest, is you keep testing the water. You have to be allowed to be yourself sooner or later.

As for the clothing issue, I think you should wear what you feel comfortable in.

Can't you try to solve the problems that force you to live at your parents house and move out after having solved them?
Your parents have had their happy lives being lucky to be born in the physical bodies that match their emotional/psychological gender. When are you going to do something for your own happiness too?

TROJAN wrote:Hi Bananafishbones, your Mum doesn't sound very supportive, but by coming out of the closet, you have at least made her aware of things that are going on for you. Shame she didn't accept the situation, but worse for you, bacause you plucked up the courage to reveal your true self, now you have gone back into hiding. This makes it doubley difficult to pluck up the courage to open the closet door a second time.
All I can suggest, is you keep testing the water. You have to be allowed to be yourself sooner or later.

As for the clothing issue, I think you should wear what you feel comfortable in.

She does care about me, but she's the type of person that worries about what other people will think. I'll take your advice and keep testing the water, but I don't think I'll be able to really be myself until I move out of thier house.

-- Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:49 pm --

Fumia wrote:Can't you try to solve the problems that force you to live at your parents house and move out after having solved them?
Your parents have had their happy lives being lucky to be born in the physical bodies that match their emotional/psychological gender. When are you going to do something for your own happiness too?

Thats easier said than done. I'm in the process of trying to move out now, but It's going to take longer than I thought.

Bananafishbones, I'm sure your Mum does care about you, but what I felt was lacking, was her support for what you need. She seems far more concerned about how the neighbours will react if you come out of the closet, than you feel about hiding who you really are. My Mum was not very supportive to begin with, but she came to realise, that me being the real me, made me happier, and therefore, she was happy to go along with me.

Sadly, the only thing you can do is either deal with it... Or fess up, explain you were lying when you said you weren't FTM, and explain why you lied. Honestly, unless physical harm is going to come to you... retracting a "coming out" is a bad choice to make because then people won't be any less confused. And although I think your mother is quite in the wrong for how she treated your coming out, it takes people time to cope, and it's not right for her to be buying you all these things when they just make you feel awful. She's doing things based off a lie, and that's not right.

My advice would be to come out again, and stand firm. It's difficult, yes, but it's always going to be difficult.