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HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own mom

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HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own mom

Postby kittyc » Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:57 am

Hi I’m an 18 years old girl who, after having my heart broken by a guy, started to be sexually attracted to my own mother.

I had a bit of a Gender Identity Disorder period when I was between the ages of 5-12 years old. I remembered I had several crushes with feminine girls, hang out more with the boys, always preferred to be a male when playing online role-playing games, have tried peeing while standing up, and I had dreams where I became a prince/a guy and have romantic relationships with girls quite often. I always thought that if I were a boy I would be a better boy than the real boys. I was a real tomboy with messy shoulder length hair and I wore trousers and baggy t-shirts all the time.

When I went into junior high school the period ended probably because I changed school and I hang out with not so attractive girl friends… When I was in high school I befriended a girly girl and that’s when I feel attracted to girls again.

But the feelings subsided when I started to like boys. I like this one boy in particular because he excels in sports and was very tall. At first I thought that I’m just admiring him because he’s the sort of guy I want to be like if I still had my Gender Identity Disorder but when I found out he was a romantic, a family guy, and a gentleman at heart my admiration blossomed into a crush. Our way of communication is him teasing me and I act like I was annoyed (like a kindergarten boy teasing on the girl he likes) and on occasions texting each other. I really did like him, was sexually attracted to him and I was even not interested with my girly girl friend anymore. I started to want to be pretty for him and I even enjoy wearing dresses, make-ups, and being feminine.

Bad news is when I thought that he was giving signals that he liked me back I confessed to him that I like him but he just thought of me as a friend. Although now I am still sexually attracted to guys, two months after the rejection I’m having sexual dreams with hot anonymous girls but sometimes guys. I also just recently have a thing for Megan Fox (the Transformer’s star) after seeing her Armani ad…( I preferred her ad than Christiano Ronaldo’s ad by the way cause I know in real life he’s a jerk).

More bad news is… I’m starting to be sexually attracted with my own mother (or just realized it now)! Sometimes I think of how it feels like if i kissed her on the lips but thinking of having sex with her is repulsive to me. Maybe I should tell you a bit of my family history. My mother divorced with my father when I was 2. I was always protective of her and always wants to please her ever since. But when she married my stepfather when I was 9 I felt alone and secluded. I felt like all of her attention is not for me anymore.

A common thing that I find between the girls that I’m attracted to is that all of them are my best friends (except for Megan Fox). I considered my mother as my best friend only recently since university started and all my friends are scattered across the globe and that’s when I realized I have a thing for her because she's the only person close to me. I even had a dream of having sex with her and I felt very guilty in my dream. I might add that I was sexually attracted to my guy cousin because he was the only guy who were close to me but when he went to school far from me and that's when the feeling subsided.

By the looks of it I think I have an Oedipus complex with a sort of same sex attraction disorder? What I want you guys to help me with are two things: can you tell me what’s my sexual attraction? Am I a bi or a straight? Though I never can picture myself being a lesbian, I think that me being bi is possible but I really prefer to be straight. Secondly, how to eliminate this sexual attraction feeling I have for my mom?

I never have a boyfriend, always been single, never been kissed. Maybe that's why I'm so sexually frustrated :P

Thank you so much for even reading this rant but a reply would be great :D
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own mom

Postby Nanashi » Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:49 pm

I think you said part of your problem in that last sentence. I'd say you have bi sexual tendencies or thoughts but, you said you could not see yourself with another girl. How you direct your attention to one person then another (then mother) sounds like sexual frustration targeting those you have a bond with. Are you more of a female now or do you still dress tomboyish?

From what I've read, I don't think you are suffering anything serious. The thoughts of your mother are thoughts, you can feel guilty about them but, you can remove yourself from them, I think. As long as you don't inact upon them, you have done nothing wrong.

To never have dated, a relationship, single, and no true kiss is with me also. That changed very recently, however. Dating long-distance at the moment. You have a wonderful personality and you have a direction in life. You will find somone eventually. No fear of becoming the "Cat Lady", okay?

I hope I was of some use. Take care of yourself, kittyc!

-Joshua-
Hold these thoughts of you close and never forget
In the darkness nothing is clear
Far away, yet in my heart you're near
Let each scar vanish...and believe...forever
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own mom

Postby magickpsy » Wed Nov 10, 2010 2:15 pm

Hi KittyC,

Please keep in mind this is only my personal view point, given what you've posted above. To be totally honest, it seems as if you've had some kind of abandonment issue or even abuse on the part of parents. (Neglect of any kind including emotional, mental and physical is considered abuse as well). Even the best parents in the world can end up neglecting their children, due to job stress and financial problems.

When you're a child your whole world consists of your immediate family, mom, dad, and siblings. As you get older you widen out to the kids at kindgarten, then school, and then as a teen you begin to form romantic relationships. Children who are often neglected emotionally, for whatever reason, often lack the development of what it means to have strong friendship bonds. The least little sign of affection is often mistaken for romantic relationship of some sort.

I think your mind and heart have not had proper time to form clear boundaries of what a really close and loving family relationship is and now that you're in your teens and everything is touched by hormones, you have begun to have these feelings and dreams. You can't control dreams, and they don't mean what you think they mean, so try to relax about it, it happens.

If I were you, I'd go for just forming platonic friendships with people for a few months to a year. Give yourself a couple of years to figure out what your sexuality is without physical sex. If you find yourself romantically or sexually attracted to a person, then let it be, don't try to give yourself a category or label.

Think about men and ask yourself if there is that special excitement inside that resonates with your soul when you think of holding and expressing love with a man. Do the same in thought with women. If you're not sure, then you may not be ready yet, and if you feel it with both then that's cool too.

Romance and sex are a way to form a close bond with another person and to be able to share your mind, body and soul with them. It is an expression of love. You may be having odd dreams because deep down inside you yearn or miss a close bond with your mom and it is just your mind's way of making you take note. Also, you are a teenager who's hormones are still kicking in and it will take your mind and body some years to get used to. Therefore, any dream you may have, even if it is about the weather could be colored with sexual themes, after all your body and mind is still going through a puberty.

Now having said all that, I could be totally wrong on everything, so your responsibility as an 18 year old is to use your own mind and think up your own answers. Everyone else is always going to think they are an expert on how YOU should live your life, but in the end you have to look within yourself to find the truth.

Hope this helps you.
Kind regards
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own mom

Postby Serah » Fri Dec 10, 2010 8:57 pm

Hi kittyc (:

I can kind of relate to you here, I'm also an 18 year old girl and I've always been far more boyish than any other girl I've been friends with, though I'm pretty sure I'm still attracted to guys only - I just admire them, I think, same as you.

You mentioned the Oedipus complex - I'm actually studying this for my english literature coursework with regard to gothic fiction, so I know a little about it. You probably know already, but the Oedipus complex is when a son seeks to kill his father and have his mother for himself. This seems plausible in your case since you consider yourself to have had a lot in common with guys rather than girls, and you said you felt secluded due to the fact that your mother pays more attention to your step-father rather than you. However, I don't think the Oedipus complex necessarily has sexual connotations - I believe it can just be a desire to be loved and cared for. Maybe your dream about your mother is a symbol for wanting to be closer to her (though not necessarily sexually)? I once had a similar dream about a female friend of mine, but I interpreted that it meant our friendship was in decline, and I wanted to be close to her again. We were, after that, but never sexually. To have not had any sexual relationships yet says a lot - you're probably just curious and your brain is subconsciously interpreting this in different ways.
In terms of your sexuality, I think you can only answer that yourself. Nobody else knows how you really feel about different people. Someone already said it: there's no need to label yourself as definitely 'bi' or otherwise. If you become attracted to someone, it doesn't matter if they're female or male, it's just your choice and your personal feelings. Hopefully things turn out okay for you and that I helped somewhat. (:

- Serah X
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>'Maladaptive Daydreaming'
>Cyclothymia/Depression
>Covert Narcissism

"Life is a serious battle, and you have to use what you've been given. It's more important to master the cards you're holding than complain about the ones your opponent has been dealt."
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One Problem Solved but Another Appears

Postby kittyc » Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:41 am

Sorry guys for the late reply. You guys are right, the moment of me liking my own mother passed. I guess I was just really looking for affection, huh?

Nanashi: I'm still dressing like a tomboy but I guess more feminine in a way? I used skinny jeans and tight shirts but sometimes i used sneakers instead of flats, just because they're more comfortable to wear. But I wear girly accessories now.
magickpsy: yes I do feel like I have an abandonment issue going on. And I also realized I just want someone to accept me and love me just the way I am. Maybe I was so desperate for that connection I targeted the wrong people?
Serah: Yes, I guess over these past few months I've been coming to terms with my sexual preference. I mean I'm still afraid to tell my friends though but I have to face the facts that I'm bi.


Actually, even though the whole mom thing is over now I'm faced with a greater problem... The girly girl that I mentioned before? Yeah, we ended up in the same university, living in the same apartment but different rooms. We actually became close friends and I actually forgot that I had a crush on her once. However recently I feel like she's advancing on me.

She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago but she still can't get over him because at the moment she hasn't find someone that can make her feel comfortable to be with. In a way she kind of resembles me. She likes physical affection, she wants to be accepted for who she is, she needs someone that want to love her and someone that she can spoil herself to.

But lately she's been saying strange things like she jokingly declare me as her boyfriend/husband. She asked me to give her a piggy-back ride, I asked her why and she replied "because you're my boyfriend" while smiling innocently. She used every opportunities in a conversation to declare that I'm her husband/guy. One time she kissed me on the cheek but that's because she actually missed her ex-boyfriend (she teared up while telling me this). In a way I think I became her rebound...? I don't know if she's joking or not but I'm really uncomfortable with her calling me her guy, especially in front of our friends.

My role in creating the problem is that I provide her with comfort, affection, and she sees me as a guy because I'm dependable and actually more of a gentleman than the guys around her. I like to hug her and she hugs me back, I let her put her head on my shoulder if she's tired, sometimes after we watched a scary movie with our friends i let her sleep on my bed because she's scared. Everything I did was in a platonic way and I actually thought of her more as a little sister and someone that I should protect. I even encouraged her to get over her ex-boyfriend and find someone new and I said to her "because I can't see you suffer like this, the way I suffered when I was trying to forget my almost lover".

I have to admit sometimes I do want to be her boyfriend but I don't think I'm going to cross the line though, I just don't see my future in that way. But I want to be close to her, I want to be affectionate with her, but not to the sexual extent. I still want to maintain the friendship because gaining her trust wasn't an easy task (she has trust issues as well). Plus, I saw her when she had a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. They were PDA-ing (hugging and a hint of groping) infront of other people, and she ditched me and her close friends to be with her guy. I'm so afraid, if she ditches me when she finds a new guy, that in my head I don't mind being her 'boyfriend' because then she won't leave me (remember I have trust and abandonment issues?). At the moment I like manly man because I understand that I'm quite manly myself so that's why I need guys that are manlier than I am, unfortunately I haven't find the right guy in my university yet.

I'm going to tell her though that I'm not comfortable with being called as her boyfriend, even though she's probably kidding. I'll still let her hug me or be affectionate with me, but the kiss on the cheek is a no-no (even I felt very awkward after that. Plus she kissed me infront of our friends).

What I'm asking you guys to help me with is should I open up the possibility for me to be her boyfriend? But if I do that I feel like I'm using her just so that I can feel loved and be able to love back?

Moreover I don't know if she cares for me the way I care for her. She never really showed any concern for my interest or showed that she cares, even though she said she's a hopeless romantic. I feel like I'm just a tool at her disposal... I'm so scared that even though I cared about her a lot she actually doesn't care about me, even as a friend.

So what should I do? I'm so sorry for the long rant. In my head this is somehow the cross-road of which sexual preference path I'm going to take so I need your help.
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own

Postby axi » Thu Dec 29, 2011 10:58 pm

Hello kittyc,

Sorry for the really late reply, I hope you're doing better, and that things have kinda sorted out. Honestly, I think you're going through a normal phase of teenage years (identity crisis, etc.) For your first part written in 2010, I don't think there's anything wrong w/ you, nor do you have any kind of syndrome. I feel for you, in that I'm your age, but have always felt attracted to both guys and girls.

I've heard many stories from an older relative that told me of how les and bi women that have hit on her all had a rough past or complicated relationship w/ their father/mother. Ex: girls who've grown up w/o a mother in their life might have a need to fill that female-caring need w/ other girls. By the sounds of it, you become attracted to ppl who care for you in your life; to me, it just sounds like you need someone to care for you, give you attn, and love you, be it male or female. It doesn't necessarily mean you're bi.

That ties into your complication w/ your girly girl friend. She gives you an opportunity to fill that need for love and affection. Since I don't know your friend personally, I can't give a sound judgement, but from what I pick up from your side of the story, it sounds like she is either misunderstanding you and your feelings, or she's being insensitive.

The fact that you two live so close, and that you have that tomboy-ish feel, doesn't help. (I've noticed sth w/ myself; when I'm hanging w/ mostly guys, I act more feminine, and when I'm hanging w/ mostly girls, I act more dominant and masculine - does that also happen w/ you?) Scenario 1: she's misinterpreting your tomboy-ish aura + actions of care w/ ok signs for a romantic relationship. Maybe you just need to be straight-up and tell her you're not ok w/ this. Scenario 2: she knows you're uncomfortable, but being the girly girl who's probably on rebound, is flirting w/ you and having fun. She doesn't care that you're uncomfortable, she wants sth for herself, and will prob try to presuade you into thinking her way as well. Maybe you situation is a mix of both scenarios, w/ you kinda encouraging her on since you're curious too.

Why am I writing so much for you? You're relationship w/ your friend is very similar w/ a good girl friend I had. I cut-off our relationship, maybe too harsh and cold, cuz down in the core, I realized that although she came crying to me and asked for my help and care, she didn't want to accept the help or fix the problems, only cover them up; she cared for herself first b4 others, and that she had no idea how much I cared and loved her. Which I still do, but I watch her w/ a sad heart from a distance, and hope that she'll find someone who will love her. It just hurts to watch a friend consciously hurting themselves, and not wanting to fix the issue from the stem.

This relationship also had me wondering if I was straight or bi, since I was attracted to both genders. Her hinting at how I would be an awesome and good looking bf didn't help either. But that's enough personal crap from me. Let's get back to you.

My advice: don't stop looking for that right guy/gal, even if you have to go through a few rough relationships. But to save yourself from further emotional hurting, which you've gone through quite a bit from an early childhood, don't let yourself go into a state of "this is good enough". I don't think you should date your girly girl friend. Not until you're sure it's worth it. In short, don't sell yourself short! You're well worth it ;)

Well, that was LONG!! @_@ Let me know how things turns out/ turned out, but keep in touch if you need support! Iunno why, but I now feel the need to help you through w/ this!!
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own

Postby kittyc » Tue Mar 27, 2012 11:43 am

Thanks for the reply Axi and sorry for the so so late reply.

Yes I do think that i just need someone to care for me... I don't really think I'm attention-deprived but I don't know why a man or woman will do for me. And yes around girls I act more dominant while I act more feminine around boys.

So I'll update my story now. Another friend of mine, lets call her A, actually suspected that the girly girl actually really likes me because the girl girl told A that she's afraid of me being bi because I liked Megan Fox while smiling and blushing a bit. Well I don't know if I can take her word for it but it pushed me enough to tell the girly girl clearly and bluntly on September 2011 that I don't like her to call me her 'boyfriend' in public or act all spoiled with me in public but I'm still okay if she wants to be spoiled in private (in which she replied "doesn't that make it more weird?" because she thought that by doing it publicly it's not weird). I also told her that I only see her as a friend and a little sister. She accepted that and nothing happened for a while.

One day she was angry at me because of a silly thing. My friend A thought the girly girl was angry because I refused to be her boyfriend and she made the silly mistake I've made as an excuse to lash at me. Anyways after that nothing happened. She wasn't as 'open' and as cheerful as before. Now she's more mean and like to tease me a lot which is weird cause she's never mean to anyone except to her family members. Most of the time I'm the one who still hugs her (because I need to give or receive physical affection) but she asked me to let her go and said "hey someone might be watching us!". Does that mean anything? Or did she suspect that I'm actually bi?

Meanwhile now I got close with a guy. The sad thing is I've been comparing the relationship I have with the guy with the one I have with the girl girl and he's losing. I guess my ideal view of spouse is a companion, like a partner in everything I do and right now she's my partner in everything and we even have a sort of telepathic connection where we thought of the same thing at the same time (it never happened last year before we moved in together btw).

I hate to admit it but sometimes I stalked her ex-bf's profile and grumbled to myself "what's so good about him??" or "i can be better than him" or "i'm better for her."

Oh and now she said she's getting over her ex bf, which I'm actually really glad about although I know she's still hurting inside. I just wished that she found a guy who is better for her fast because frankly I think I just wanted to experiment with her and I don't want to use her like that and I know, if she's actually curious as well, that she doesn't want to make this a serious matter. I guess the most fitted scenario is that both of us are bi-curious but we don't want to turn this into a real relationship because I don't think in the long run I wanted to marry a girl.

So, in the end I'm gonna go with your advice. I think I'll just have to suppress my feelings for her although it's so hard because I see her everyday. I hate myself for being addicted to her. I think of her everyday, when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning she's the one I think about. I hate it that we can't be together but if she doesn't think of me like that after all this time in the slightest way then she's definitely not worth it.

These days I had urges to kiss her and tell her straight out that I like her. But yeah no probably not the best idea. I prefer to cherish our friendship rather than making it awkward as hell. She's my partner definitely and I don't want to lose her.

Thank you guys for helping my problem :) Maybe someday if there's a turn of event or something I'll let you know.
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own

Postby sr2012 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:44 am

Hi KittyC,

What you are describing is all very normal. The first thing I would say is that during the time when I experimented with my sexuality, someone told me something very important. Gay, straight, bi, whatever are not fixed categories. Our sexuality exists on a "sliding scale", that is, we have a range of interests and attractions that can be mostly gay on one side, sliding through bisexual, sliding through to mostly straight. Probably the same for gender identity.

The second thing I would say is that you probably need to start being honest with people but also just have fun exploring your interests. There are many like-minded people out there who will identify and understand you. If it feels safe, consensual and comfortable you can also expand your sexual horizons. It doesn't matter if it is with a guy, girl, both, whatever. Even in Western society sex is so constrained, so don't worry about fitting an image, subculture, or playing by "the rules". Of course be considerate of others and if you are concerned you can always speak to a counsellor or psychologist, no shame in that. University counsellors can be a place to start discussing these things.

The final thing I would say is that there is a messy situation with regard to "love". In some cases, it can just be a fun physical thing. Sometimes, it is a deep and spiritual connection. You will have to discover what is best for you and most importantly communicate with people what you think is important. In our celebrity-obsessed culture it is hard to really know what's real and what's just fluff.

All the best.
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Re: HELP: I'm 18 year old girl sexually attracted to my own

Postby sr2012 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:47 am

Oh, also the attraction to your mother, I know it has passed, but nothing to be concerned about, you just have to look at as you mentioned the psychological factors behind that and address those one step at a time.
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