I have recently finally been able to admit to myself that I don't like the gender I was assigned at birth. Before now whenever I started to think about the possibility of wanting to be a woman I immediately dismissed the thought because of prior reservations from being raised conservative. I have been a very liberal person for many years now but apparently not all preconceptions go away.
A little over a month ago something triggered me to actually think about it and I began to realize that I always fantasize about being a woman. At first I thought maybe it is purely sexual since I am in to woman but after thinking about it I discovered it is much more than that. I've role-played as women online before and its never for sexual reasons but because I feel more free to express myself as one.
Even as a kid I was very interested in girls and I didn't understand why boys had to play with action figures and girls had to play with barbies. I preferred both. I never really considered cross-dressing or anything similar in my life but I always liked the idea of dresses and how comfortable it would be to wear one. I became a "goth" in high school but now that I think about it, it was probably because it gave me a reason grow longer hair and occasionally paint my nails black.
I've struggled with depression for many years now and during the last few years I've had anxiety too. Whenever I think of living as a woman though that depression and anxiety seem to temporarily go away until I am brought back to reality in which case it gets worse. This is why I've considered looking into the process of undergoing the process of sexual reassignment.
The problem I'm having is coming out to people. When I told my parents I was an atheist years ago they were in denial and while my mom tried to be supportive, my dad treated me like I was less of a person for almost a whole year before he decided to accept it. My parents have gotten much more liberal since then but they still almost always ask me if I want to go to church with them. My parents do love me and they help pay my college tuition for me but due to the depression and anxiety I have maintaining good grades and even sometimes passing classes is hard for me. I already feel like I let them down a lot so I'm scared to tell them about how I feel.
However, my friends will be a lot more understanding and since I only keep a very close circle of friends I know that I won't lose any of them by coming out to them. But every time I've considered revealing to any of them how I feel, my anxiety kicks in and I begin to convince myself that going through the process of becoming a woman is not worth it and therefore not even worth asking their advice on the matter. Its probably because I think they won't take me seriously right away and think I'm doing it for perverted reasons or something.
I don't know what to do. I've read on many transsexual sites that becoming one should only be a last resort where the only other option is suicide. I am not suicidal though, every time I've thought about it I always immediately think about how it would disappoint the people I love and I don't want to do that at all. But I feel the quality of life I could get from becoming a woman would be so much better even through the possible discrimination.
That being said, I'm still not 100% sure if becoming a woman is the right thing for me. I want to see a therapist who specializes in this especially now while I am still under my parent's insurance which I won't be for much longer. But that would require me telling them about how I feel inside.
Any advise on what I should do?