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Confused about what I should do

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Confused about what I should do

Postby lilith2 » Tue May 06, 2014 9:08 pm

I have recently finally been able to admit to myself that I don't like the gender I was assigned at birth. Before now whenever I started to think about the possibility of wanting to be a woman I immediately dismissed the thought because of prior reservations from being raised conservative. I have been a very liberal person for many years now but apparently not all preconceptions go away.

A little over a month ago something triggered me to actually think about it and I began to realize that I always fantasize about being a woman. At first I thought maybe it is purely sexual since I am in to woman but after thinking about it I discovered it is much more than that. I've role-played as women online before and its never for sexual reasons but because I feel more free to express myself as one.

Even as a kid I was very interested in girls and I didn't understand why boys had to play with action figures and girls had to play with barbies. I preferred both. I never really considered cross-dressing or anything similar in my life but I always liked the idea of dresses and how comfortable it would be to wear one. I became a "goth" in high school but now that I think about it, it was probably because it gave me a reason grow longer hair and occasionally paint my nails black.

I've struggled with depression for many years now and during the last few years I've had anxiety too. Whenever I think of living as a woman though that depression and anxiety seem to temporarily go away until I am brought back to reality in which case it gets worse. This is why I've considered looking into the process of undergoing the process of sexual reassignment.

The problem I'm having is coming out to people. When I told my parents I was an atheist years ago they were in denial and while my mom tried to be supportive, my dad treated me like I was less of a person for almost a whole year before he decided to accept it. My parents have gotten much more liberal since then but they still almost always ask me if I want to go to church with them. My parents do love me and they help pay my college tuition for me but due to the depression and anxiety I have maintaining good grades and even sometimes passing classes is hard for me. I already feel like I let them down a lot so I'm scared to tell them about how I feel.

However, my friends will be a lot more understanding and since I only keep a very close circle of friends I know that I won't lose any of them by coming out to them. But every time I've considered revealing to any of them how I feel, my anxiety kicks in and I begin to convince myself that going through the process of becoming a woman is not worth it and therefore not even worth asking their advice on the matter. Its probably because I think they won't take me seriously right away and think I'm doing it for perverted reasons or something.

I don't know what to do. I've read on many transsexual sites that becoming one should only be a last resort where the only other option is suicide. I am not suicidal though, every time I've thought about it I always immediately think about how it would disappoint the people I love and I don't want to do that at all. But I feel the quality of life I could get from becoming a woman would be so much better even through the possible discrimination.

That being said, I'm still not 100% sure if becoming a woman is the right thing for me. I want to see a therapist who specializes in this especially now while I am still under my parent's insurance which I won't be for much longer. But that would require me telling them about how I feel inside.

Any advise on what I should do?
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby KevinG31 » Wed May 07, 2014 12:28 am

lilith2 wrote:I have recently finally been able to admit to myself that I don't like the gender I was assigned at birth. Before now whenever I started to think about the possibility of wanting to be a woman I immediately dismissed the thought because of prior reservations from being raised conservative. I have been a very liberal person for many years now but apparently not all preconceptions go away.

A little over a month ago something triggered me to actually think about it and I began to realize that I always fantasize about being a woman. At first I thought maybe it is purely sexual since I am in to woman but after thinking about it I discovered it is much more than that. I've role-played as women online before and its never for sexual reasons but because I feel more free to express myself as one.

Even as a kid I was very interested in girls and I didn't understand why boys had to play with action figures and girls had to play with barbies. I preferred both. I never really considered cross-dressing or anything similar in my life but I always liked the idea of dresses and how comfortable it would be to wear one. I became a "goth" in high school but now that I think about it, it was probably because it gave me a reason grow longer hair and occasionally paint my nails black.

I've struggled with depression for many years now and during the last few years I've had anxiety too. Whenever I think of living as a woman though that depression and anxiety seem to temporarily go away until I am brought back to reality in which case it gets worse. This is why I've considered looking into the process of undergoing the process of sexual reassignment.

The problem I'm having is coming out to people. When I told my parents I was an atheist years ago they were in denial and while my mom tried to be supportive, my dad treated me like I was less of a person for almost a whole year before he decided to accept it. My parents have gotten much more liberal since then but they still almost always ask me if I want to go to church with them. My parents do love me and they help pay my college tuition for me but due to the depression and anxiety I have maintaining good grades and even sometimes passing classes is hard for me. I already feel like I let them down a lot so I'm scared to tell them about how I feel.

However, my friends will be a lot more understanding and since I only keep a very close circle of friends I know that I won't lose any of them by coming out to them. But every time I've considered revealing to any of them how I feel, my anxiety kicks in and I begin to convince myself that going through the process of becoming a woman is not worth it and therefore not even worth asking their advice on the matter. Its probably because I think they won't take me seriously right away and think I'm doing it for perverted reasons or something.

I don't know what to do. I've read on many transsexual sites that becoming one should only be a last resort where the only other option is suicide. I am not suicidal though, every time I've thought about it I always immediately think about how it would disappoint the people I love and I don't want to do that at all. But I feel the quality of life I could get from becoming a woman would be so much better even through the possible discrimination.

That being said, I'm still not 100% sure if becoming a woman is the right thing for me. I want to see a therapist who specializes in this especially now while I am still under my parent's insurance which I won't be for much longer. But that would require me telling them about how I feel inside.

Any advise on what I should do?


Are you sure that your desire to be a woman isn't based on the need to get rid of the pressure of that conservative upbringing and the stress of the male gender role?
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby lilith2 » Wed May 07, 2014 4:29 am

I know it has nothing to do with my conservative upbringing but it may have to do with the stress of the male gender role. That is why I want to see a therapist but I also don't necessarily want anyone to know at the moment I guess.
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby Ada » Thu May 08, 2014 7:26 pm

lilith2 wrote:I've read on many transsexual sites that becoming one should only be a last resort where the only other option is suicide. I am not suicidal though, every time I've thought about it I always immediately think about how it would disappoint the people I love and I don't want to do that at all. But I feel the quality of life I could get from becoming a woman would be so much better even through the possible discrimination.

I'm so glad things aren't quite that bad for you. Personally, I think that's much too hard a test. It might be helpful if people have other mental health issues. To help them differentiate and steer the right course. But mostly I think it seems like being cruel to a self that's already highly stressed out.

That being said, I'm still not 100% sure if becoming a woman is the right thing for me. I want to see a therapist who specializes in this especially now while I am still under my parent's insurance which I won't be for much longer. But that would require me telling them about how I feel inside.

Do you have a particular therapist in mind? Can you research what's available near you and under your insurance? I'm asking because I wonder if there might be a more neutral way of bringing this up to them. If they support people anxious about their gender identity. Then you could very reasonably say that they are a specialist in Anxiety and that's why you'd like to see them. Or they might be part of a bigger practice. So you wouldn't have to give the details of the specific therapist you wanted to see, until you made the appointment.

Alternatively, and very cynically. I think your parents might approve of therapy if they thought it might change your mind. Obviously that's not what any reliable professional is aiming to do. But perhaps you could just say that you're feeling gender confused. And that you'd like help with sorting things out. So they can make all the assumptions they like, but it gives you time to work out what's best for you long term. Plus it's not lying. Just, focusing on one aspect of the truth.

The therapist should not be disclosing anything whatsoever to your parents. Or your insurers. So that would be something to look into before you make any appointments. [They or their reception service ought to be able to answer this type of question before you make any commitment. Or even before giving your name and details.]
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby lilith2 » Thu May 08, 2014 11:45 pm

Thanks a lot for the advice. It's very helpful. I looked at my schedule recently and I actually see my depression therapist very soon so I'm thinking of talking to him about it and asking if he could refer me to a specialist. So I will do that and see where that takes me.
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby Ada » Fri May 09, 2014 8:55 am

Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes [if you're comfortable doing so.] Am I right in thinking this will be the first person in real life that you've shared this with?


Oh, I meant to write before, I'm an atheist too. Totally off topic. ;) But it's great that your parents came around on that one. It's tough that it took so long. And that they still would prefer things to be different. :roll: But it's good that they respect you for being true to yourself. I hope that whatever you decide around your gender, they step up in the same way.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby lilith2 » Fri May 09, 2014 5:11 pm

Yes it will be the first time I tell anyone. And I will probably let you guys know how it goes. Thanks again!
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby AnnieM » Wed May 21, 2014 11:50 pm

Hi,

For what it's worth, here's my two cents:

Get involved with your local transgender support group(s). Trust me, no matter where you live, there are others like you nearby. Every group I have been involved with understands and respects individual privacy, so you should be safe from unwanted outing. It is really important to get a good idea of all the many varieties of gender expression and see what fits you best. In my opinion, you really need to experience this to learn about yourself.

Experiment with cross dressing and interacting with others as a woman. You may find it's not what you thought it would be, you may find its fun to do once in a while, or you may decide it's how you want to be for the rest of your life. Get out in public in a variety of settings. People will treat you differently as a woman than as a man (I love it!). If you are not confident about passing, get help to get your look down. There's a good reason why a one year (minimum) real life experience in the target gender is required for genital reassignment surgery.

As far as a therapist goes, look for one that has a lot of experience working with transgender patients. If there is not an experience therapist in your area, many will do therapy over the phone or Skype, but I think in person is best when possible. Rapport between you and your therapist is very important. If you don't click, look for someone who's a better fit for you. Keep an open mind as you enter therapy, don't go looking to validate a preconceived idea, and don't be in a rush. Give yourself time to work through things.

Being transexual is a huge challenge. At best, you will probably endure many painful surgeries (much of it not covered by insurance) hormones, and years of counseling. Suicide is never the only alternative, but every transexual person I know says "don't transition unless you absolutely must to maintain your sanity."

I wish you well on your journey.

Annie
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby lilith2 » Thu Jun 12, 2014 5:53 pm

Hey guys, thanks again for all the support. I went to my usually depression/anxiety therapist and told him (which was really hard to do). He told me that the only transgendered person he has ever worked with was a FtM who was already a very convincing man even before he got hormones and made it sound like since I wasn't obviously a woman on the outside I probably wasn't female. I didn't like his answer so I asked if he knew any good therapists who specialize in Gender Dysphoria. He looked in his database and found someone he said he though was a really good therapist. She doesn't specialize in Gender Dysphoria, she specializes in depression and anxiety but she has worked with many transgendered people.

So I made an appointment with her. I was relieved to find out that since she is listed as an anxiety and depression counselor, that is what would show up on the insurance. After the first session we didn't really talk about my Gender Dysphoria. She wanted to understand my life a little bit better. In the second session she focused on it a little more. She said many of the same things AnnieM did although she recommended I take it slowly if I don't want people to know about it. She recommended I try wearing either a bra or panties to see if it feels right to me (I'm kind of scared about this part though since I live with my brother, it might be hard to hide).

Anyways, I think I am going to like her. She seems very open minded and thoughtful. I told my parents that I was going to see a counselor for my "depression and anxiety" and they were very happy for me. I feel like I'm stepping forward in life instead of backwards for once.
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Re: Confused about what I should do

Postby Prairie gal » Sat Jun 14, 2014 6:16 am

I suggest you try out what it might be like being a woman before doing anything
drastic. It's no easy road being a woman either; in fact, in my opinion it is more
difficult in many ways, even in North America. Do you really want to be a part of a
downtrodden minority? (At least in the world in general that's what women still sadly are, even in
2014.)

Wearing a bra might be a good start LOL! because that's one of the most uncomfortable
parts of being a woman!
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