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Husband with PPD

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Husband with PPD

Postby howca » Sun Jun 14, 2009 9:13 pm

I just started reading this today and I have been crying reading about all the things others are experiencing trying live with someone with PPD because I have experienced it myself. I work in the counseling field but have been trying to keep from admitting to what is in front of me with my husband.

We have been married 14 years and has always thought people were talking about him or laughing at him anytime we went somewhere. Or someone would say something light hearted and he would take it as a personal attack. He suffers from depression and lack of self esteem. Over the years he constantly feared I would leave him. About a year and half ago he had a friend of his stay with us and he is convinced that I had an affair with him and also continued the affair over a period of months. I have spent the last year and half trying to convince him I did not do this and now I believe I am done. I even went as far as to take a lie detector test which he set up. I passed it showing no deception indicated, but because I wasn't in his face saying "There!" (I was deflating after the excruciating test, it was stressful although I knew I would pass) He thinks that I somehow talked the tester into saying I was telling the truth. Then he thinks I continued on with the affair after the test. He has his "proof" which he says is irrefutable although it's things people said he finds hidden meaning in and circumstances that he can certainly convince others. I could go on and on with his accusations and why he thinks he is right. Over the past year we have tried marriage counseling but stopped after 3 sessions because the counselor said that unless he believes me or I confess to cheating on him it's a stalemate, no progress can be made. I love him terribly and we have a toddler age son. I have been dealing with is rants mostly on a daily basis. Him begging me to tell him the truth, calling me liar, whore, etc. In the mix of that there are times when he says he loves me with all of his heart and he wants to stop. He has also thought that our house as been bugged by cops or his friend I supposedly cheated with. I have left for a couple days several times and now I'm thinking of leaving for good because I can't deal with it anymore and I am tired of my son watching this all go down although I try to avoid it.

Sorry this is so long, I have so much more to get out.... I just want my husband back and I see all of my dreams and hopes going down the drain. I have left again today because I just can't cope anymore. Neither one of us can survive without the other financially which has been one factor as to why we are still together other than our love for each other. He has promised several times to stop and may go a few days the longest being a week. It's so stressful for me and I'm scared to demand an ultimatum which is go to a psychologist and anger management. I'm afraid he is so demented in his thinking and will not go. I don't really have a question, but just need some support and guidance.

-howca
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby Chucky » Tue Jun 16, 2009 12:22 am

Hi,

Don't eveer go along with his disorder by doing something like taking a lie detector test again. There is no end-point to a disorder like this. I mean, no matter how much you disprove his accusations, he will always just have more accusations. So, it must all end right now. You don't have to give an ultimatum as such, but you need to let him know that you are upset and angry about what has been happening. He needs to know that his actions are depressing - not just himself - but you too! Use phrases such as "I am upset... ...I am depressed", etc. At the moment, a destructive cycle is in flow, and it must stop.

You can try to get him to learn more about depression and PPD by directing him to articles about them on the Internet. Maybe then he will understand himself a bit more.

Kevin
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby howca » Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:38 am

Thanks for responding Kevin. Things have gone from bad to worse just in 24 hours (too long to go into). I am now facing up to the fact that this marriage may be over until he gets some type of treatment. He states that he is sane and I'm the pathelogical liar who needs the psychologist. Everything that has happened is my fault because I won't tell the truth about cheating on him. I have contacted local domestic violence sources and seeing our past marriage counselor for my own counseling on how to cope. I have some difficult decisions ahead of me, none that I look forward to making. I wish we could have an intervention or something with all of the family, but I don't think everyone would agree to it. The situation already makes everyone uncomfortable even the in-laws. I feel guilty for allowing this to go on as long as it has, but I have been trying to "fix" a situation that I don't have the ability to fix. I pray he will go for treatment and stick it out. Now that I'm away from home, I have to deal with the phone calls. He is minimalizing his actions and even changing the story some to fit his skewed view. We have a son together as I said before and now I'm wondering if my son would be safe with him. What a mess this is....
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby Chucky » Tue Jun 16, 2009 8:47 pm

Oh dear... ...he sounds very far from admitting that he is the one with the problem. To e honest, I do not know now what is best for you to do. I know that a separation/divorce is no the option that you'd ideally like, but it can bring some positives. If you stay with him, then he MUST changed - but how likely does that seem? Actually, here's a last thought: Could you talk to some of his close male friends about what is happening? Maybe they can get through to him?
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby VinD » Thu Aug 06, 2009 12:18 am

Hi,

I came upon your post while looking for a solution for my sister who is also experiencing PPD. While doing some research, I learned that it's extremely difficult to convince a person with PPD that they have a problem. The most recommended approach is to convince that person to get professional treatment. I found another post about another lady who has cleverly convinced her husband to seek treatment. Her post is below. I hope this helps for you and your family.

"Having been in a similar situation with an ex-husband and a psychotic daughter, I had them both assessed by agreeing to be assessed myself when they were both convinced that I was the problem. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands, and said 'I cannot recognise that I have a problem, but if you think I have, will you please take me for assessment and tell the doctor what you see.'
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar, and my daughter was admitted involuntarily to a mental health unit. They could not then blame me, and while it was never easy, this worked marvellously for us."
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby howca » Wed Oct 07, 2009 3:28 am

It's been awhile since I orginally posted and wanted to thank others who posted as it was help. My husband and I are currently separated and I'm pretty much done. It's been too hard to reason with the unreasonable and he won't go for treatment. I'm broken-hearted and have been getting my own domestic violence counseling for the emotional abuse I have been enduring over the past almost 2 years. If I could have it any other way I would but he has left me with no choice and I refuse to allow our child to endure it any longer. For others who may be going through this with a spouse I advise you to get a marriage counselor or domestic violence counselor as they both have helped me see how I minimized the emotional aspects of the situation and how I lived my life around my husband's moods and paranoia. There is nothing more I can do other than try to provide my child a stable environment. I am now trying to adjust to the idea of being divorced and starting over at 34 which has been very hard for me to come to terms with since I have such a strong belief of family unity.

Chucky I noticed you were feeling down in another post recently and have to say that you responding so quickly and with such great care to my original post that I hope you realize that you are very informative and supportive in your responses. I think people seek this board out wanting some kind of quick response and you seem to be there to do just that which is great! You are a very good contributer to this board! Thank you!~
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby Queenie » Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:21 am

I am grateful to find this forum. My husband has battled depression and rage since his late teens, but the last 6 years have been hell. It seems like this is an escalating situation. He is completely self-consumed, and accuses me and our daughter of crazy things, like throwing out his food. He has developed an obsession with our dogs, and is suspicious of everything we do. He will not get help, saying I am the one with problems. I have gone to therapy to get support for myself, and the therapist thinks I should leave him. Lately he will not speak to us. I don't know what to do. Please help!!!
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby MartiJane » Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:23 am

Im in desperate need of help. I think my husband suffers PPD i mean im 100% sure though he denide and have his own truth. As im writing this im heartbroken. I have the most loving and caring man in the world i love him to death and we cant breath without eachother, but every 6-8 months im expiriencing the hell. Im already used with his paranoia to everyone and everybody and i dont care, but now he is on the way to ruin everything beautiful we have. He thinks im cheating on him and i cant do nothing to make him see the truth. He seems to see only his own truth. He even created in his own head things that never happend. I havent slept from 2 days, he cant sleep and eat as well i see him suffering, i see he is fighting with his paranoia to no avail. We live in our own happiness paradise, we kiss and hugs every free minute we have one of the most beautiful relationships you can imagine and then every 5-6 month this happens..Last time the goverment was spioning on us and i had to agree with him only to make him feel better, if i say thats its paranoia he will say i work with them and im a spy as well..this was before six month, then suddelny everything was back to normal and i never thought this would happen again..I was wrong, 3 days ago i noticed he started to change, like someone just took my husband and replaced it with someone else. Then yesterday he accused me of cheating him with a neighbor, a neighbor who i actualy cant stand. He is fat, he smells and is the most undesirble creature you can imagine. My husband on the other side is very handsome, great body and everything a woman can dream about..I dont know how to deal with that, im crying and crying and crying and my heart is pumping like crazy, im scared to death ill lose him and i cant afford to lose him i would rather die before accept we wll be no longer together. He only stays and watch my every movement with eyes accusing me of something never happend, im feeling like innocent pesron that was just sentenced to death for killing someone, i actualy havent even met. I feel helpless, angry and desperate..I just want to wake up from this noncence dream, but i cant. Please help me, PLEASE:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( And sory for my bad english i hope you can understand me:((
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby lilian2000 » Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:59 am

I have also the same experience. My husband has PPD. We married for more than 15 years. We have two children. No one knows what does it mean to live with some one with this problem other than some one like you . It looks like we all have been lived with one person, because the people with PPD have very similar character. When I read all stories, it looks like I read my own story!!!!
Last edited by EarlGreyDregs on Mon Apr 23, 2012 12:02 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: edited at member request
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Re: Husband with PPD

Postby elizabeth123 » Tue May 22, 2012 2:28 am

wow. i can't believe some of the things i'm reading. it's like i wrote it. we've been married for 14 years.he developed symptoms 7 years ago. it has been almost unbearable at times. i,as well as his family and friends, have tried everything we could think of to help him get help,to no avail.my husband is a very intelligent,loving man.it is beyond difficult to see our life spiral out of control;to continually be the focus of his anger when he believes "things" are being done to him. people following him,the car being bugged,even only eating food he cooked. and he blames it all on me. the final straw was he thought i tried to have him killed.so now he has moved out of state away from anyone he knows.at least he still communicates with me but he won't speak with his family. as much as he blames me for his delusions, he still is worried about me.he can't figure things out,he says. i am so sad for him because he is confused and sick.he knows i love him but still thinks i've caused all these things to happen to him. i've left so much out.hope this all makes sense.
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