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Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby Euterpe » Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:44 pm

AubeO wrote:And start yourself a journal (I did, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY) of all the memories, all the things he has done, to hurt you. List them all out. You'll find yourself bouncing among sadness, anger, outrage, hurt, and wonder -- wondering why and how he could have done those things, and wondering why and how you kept allowing him to do it.

But just keep writing, every day, and keep reading what you write. Over time, as you read, and continue to record the patterns, they will emerge to you as starkly as the nose on your face, and you will know that you made the right choice.
Just keep going, and come back to this blog for support. It's the best I've ever found!!


I started writing a journal when I met my ex-N friend, something I haven’t done since I was a teen and it did help me put things in the right perspective. After he just vanished from my life without a word (and I stopped wondering why months ago) I started writing letters to him as a part of the healing process, letters he will never see and will never be sent. More than anything else I wished I could have told him all that in person, tell him I knew and understood and accepted a lot of things from the day he came in my town for the first time. I become aware of the N traits fast enough and was reading his emotions much more than he though I did (no, he didn’t fool me-I did that to myself LOL). I tried telling him, but soon I realized it can do more harm than good to him, so I just gave up.

As for letting go and reading FB statuses, I have deleted him from my friends twice since we started being RL friends (we made up once before). I don’t want to know and besides he is smart enough to limit who gets to see what and probably has other accounts-which is fine. In fact it’s all kind of fake so what’s the point? I still find this amusing because I’m the “what you see is what you get” and “honesty at all cost” type of person, so the games he plays online made me laugh more than once. Once he was out of the picture though I decided I don’t need reminders and besides it would be kind of wacky to have him as a FB friend while he is giving me the silent treatment :mrgreen: :lol:
-edited typos
"I’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I’d write love poems to the parts of yourself you can’t stand. I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark. "
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby EarlyMorning » Mon Mar 12, 2012 3:05 pm

Innanna wrote:
AubeO wrote:And start yourself a journal (I did, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY) of all the memories, all the things he has done, to hurt you. List them all out. You'll find yourself bouncing among sadness, anger, outrage, hurt, and wonder -- wondering why and how he could have done those things, and wondering why and how you kept allowing him to do it.

But just keep writing, every day, and keep reading what you write. Over time, as you read, and continue to record the patterns, they will emerge to you as starkly as the nose on your face, and you will know that you made the right choice.
Just keep going, and come back to this blog for support. It's the best I've ever found!!


I started writing a journal when I met my ex-N friend, something I haven’t done since I was a teen and it did help me put things in the right perspective. After he just vanished from my life without a word (and I stopped wondering why months ago) I started writing letters to him as a part of the healing process, letters he will never see and will never be sent. More than anything else I wished I could have told him all that in person, tell him I knew and understood and accepted a lot of things from the day he came in my town for the first time. I become aware of the N traits fast enough and was reading his emotions much more than he though I did (no, he didn’t fool me-I did that to myself LOL). I tried telling him, but soon I realized it can do more harm than good to him, so I just gave up.

As for letting go and reading FB statuses, I have deleted him from my friends twice since we started being RL friends (we made up once before). I don’t want to know and besides he is smart enough to limit who gets to see what and probably has other accounts-which is fine. In fact it’s all kind of fake so what’s the point? I still find this amusing because I’m the “what you see is what you get” and “honesty at all cost” type of person, so the games he plays online made me laugh more than once. Once he was out of the picture though I decided I don’t need reminders and besides it would be kind of wacky to have him as a FB friend while he is giving me the silent treatment :mrgreen: :lol:
-edited typos


I dont have him as a fb friend. I blocked him on that and skype when I left him. I know what he writes in public on fb as i have a 2nd account (that he doesnt know about, well if he does I havent told him) which i use to every now and again to check. And whether you think this is me justifying that behaviour, which its not, I dont check to keep connected to him in some way. I check because I had a relationship with someone 15 years ago that I stayed with for 3 years, who turned out to be a sociopath. A bad one. I got away from him eventually and I thank god every day I actually knew him because now I see the alarm bells alot sooner than I wouldve if I was still that naive gullible girl. So I check his fb sporadically to see whats what and try and keep one step ahead incase i need to protect myself.

Having said all this there is still a side of me in shock that this person, of all people is an N. As i said I have known him since we were 10 and 12 and he was the love of my life. I didnt see him from aged 20 for 19 years til he found me (I thought we as kids just went our seperate ways but Im kind of thinking he got new supply even back then in the shape of the woman he went and married and had kids with - if thats possible at 18 - as I told him at the time i was emigrating so wouldnt be seeing him anymore nb: i didnt emigrate I was just trying at the time to get him to tell me not to because he was non-committal).

So yes, its hard for me to think he is this. I wish he wasnt. I wouldnt care less if it was someone new, but this person, this person was everything to me from age 12 to present. I never married. I never forgot him. I never loved anyone else. I feel like God is playing a cruel trick by choosing him of all people in my life to have this thing...
You're only paranoid if you're wrong...

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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby AubeO » Mon Mar 12, 2012 3:37 pm

I feel your pain, believe me. My last in the string, the one who was the worst of them, and who made me start wondering what was wrong with ME, who made me start researching different personality problems, through which I stumbled on NPD and learned that maybe it WASN'T all me -- I met him in 1982. He, too, is the love of my life. I have never met anyone like him before or since. After a 20 year silence (he had new suppliers), he came back to find me, and I fell into it just like a butterfly into a spider's web.

My heart, despite all my healthy steps of the past few months, is shattered. I feel pain most days, and most nights I awaken at some hopeless, sunless hour and he is the first thing that gets into my head, along with all the questions, and all the tears, again. It's a terrible hurt, that will take a very, very long time to heal, and I had already been through this with him when he left me the first time, in 1988, for a new "fix."

But at least I know, finally, WHO and WHAT he is, and how I have fallen into the classic pattern of NPD victimization. I know, finally, that the pain of being WITH him will only deepen and become more destructive for me with every additional moment, every erg of energy, I continue to give him. They're -- let's face it -- an addiction.

But WE control US. Not our NPDs. We can do this, and with this blog, I've found new strength and resolve, and I hope you will hold yours, too, and break the chains, as I said in my first post.

If you have ANY mutual friends on any of your social networks (e.g. FB), and if your settings are "Friends of Friends" for seeing your page, you need to either make it all Friends only, or you need to break ties with those mutual friends, too. I chose the latter.

I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my prayers. I'm always here for anyone who wants to talk. I'm through being a victim. That much I know, and can absolutely state. I know I am completely ready, since I have cut all ties with him for communications of any kind except face-to-face, to call 911, or whatever else it takes, to make him be removed from my presence. He has no power over me any more, because I know he actually has no power over ANYTHING, including himself. He's weak, and hollow, and soulless. There is nothing there to love.

Hang in there. We're all here for you
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby EarlyMorning » Mon Mar 12, 2012 3:57 pm

Thank you. He still has my best friend on his friends list. He added her when we were together because he knew her when we were kids. When we broke up the first time (i went back after he begged) he sent her a message telling her to tell me he was sorry (rather than texting me he was sorry or calling me). That was all. Then she didnt reply so he started emailing me. Anyway, I didnt know what I thought he had then so I went back, but now I know and I wont go back. She hasnt heard from him anyway and neither have I and I havent tried to contact him since I left him.

I guess its hard that I never knew when we were kids from 12-20 what he was. Yes he was one to get in trouble. yes he dabbled in recreational drugs. yes he drifted in and out of my life either by him calling me out the blue or me calling him. But thats teenagers for you. I didnt think he was any different to a lot of boys I knew back then at that age. He never back then swore at me, or treated me badly. He played tricks - like getting his friend to call me and tell me he'd hurt himself and could I drive down (I lived 30 miles away from him) to see him cos he had to go hospital; and then when i got there he was fine. He just laughed and hugged me and said he didnt think id come if he just asked so he made up some emergency. I was cross with him but you could never be cross with him for long cos he'd smile that smile.

Maybe he had this then already. Maybe it grew worse as a results of what happened with his now ex-wife. maybe what he's told me about what happened with her isnt as it happened. I dont know anymore. All i know is that I loved this boy more than anything and thought we had a bond/connection. And then when he split from his wife he said he looked for me but couldnt find me as id moved from the last known address. There were times we realised we'd been in the same place/same town/same work building and id never seen him or him me. And then he got fb and tracked me down through that last year. He said he'd been trying to find me since his divorce in 1999. That he had always loved me and knew deep down that I was the only person that had ever truly loved him, and that he was sick of being unhappy, having a criminal life in and out of prison, wanted to stop taking drugs and start a new life with me and didnt i know that he wouldve always come back for me? To which i said no. I didnt think he would. I thought he'd forgotten me.

I am glad he came back, even though I hate that he has this. Because if he hadnt Id have always thought of him as perfect and the love of my life who got away. But Im not glad he came back because now I know, I realise that my thought of him loving me all these years as I have him is false. And that it was all one way. And that I'm finding hard to take...
You're only paranoid if you're wrong...

Once is a mistake, twice is stupidity, any more is a choice

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love

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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby AubeO » Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:31 pm

OMG - you're pretty much describing exactly the honeyed words that spilled from my guy's lips for the first 3-4 months we were reunited. Then came the first rage (over NOTHING), and just as a classic NPD would, he got to the other side of it, to the point where I was completely broken down in tears and shame and humiliation, and without so much as noticing that I was an emotional wreck, he was over it, and I was expected to continue the day with him as if nothing had happened. That SHOULD have been my first clue, but it took THREE of these episodes, over the course of a year and a half (during which he pretty much abused me for everything he could get from me in the financial, sexual, and emotional senses), before I finally started doing my homework. And even then, again, I was doing it from the perspective of what I thought could be wrong with ME, not HIM.

Thank God for the internet, or we would both still be in Hell.

And I feel the same way that you do. I am so devastated by the truth of what he is, and of what I have allowed mySELF to be as his "girlfriend" (and again, in truth, I was merely one of his many "fixes"), that I wish I had never seen him again after the first time he left. Yet, I am grateful that this DID happen, or I would forever have kept him in my head as the lost love of my life, who left all those years ago, in 1988, just when I felt I had found my soul mate.

But the reality, for us both, is that there WAS no love for us there. WE were the loving, giving, caring ones. We just didn't know we were caring for beings who are no more capable of love than the keyboard on which I type this.

Time and distance. Time and distance. And writing down every sad, sorry instance in which they victimized us, and reading over and over what we've remembered. And if you have to, put at the top of every page of your journal in BIG BLOCK LETTERS: "IF I GO BACK TO HIM NOW, HE WILL FIND A WAY TO HURT ME, TO PUNISH ME, HARDER." Because it's true. It's what NPDs DO.

It is, genuinely, THEY who have lost, and while their conscious mind will never acknowledge that, nor will either of them EVER permit us to "see" that (so stop thinking THAT will EVER happen!!!), the literature says (and I believe it, as I think I have seen glimpses of it in my own NPD guy) that they loathe themselves for the empty, scruple-less, shell-creatures they are, and we must both be grateful for having found our ways out of the darkness and into the sunshine again.

Have a very, very sunny day, regardless of your weather there. You are in recovery!!! : )
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby AubeO » Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:44 pm

Oh yeah, and don't believe ANYTHING he has EVER told you about his exes.

Another classic NPD maneuver. Anyone who has ever rejected him, or has been used up and no longer qualifies as a supplier, is "crazy."

And, btw, he'll say the same of YOU, if has hasn't already.

Sound familiar???
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby EarlyMorning » Mon Mar 12, 2012 5:00 pm

The weather here is beautiful today actually. Which is strange for this time of year here.

Well as far as his ex goes I know certain things to be true (as they are factual and Ive seen proof) like she left her and his kids with her parents when they split up. Like she had 4 more kids with his ex best friend who she went off with. that sort of thing. and tbh even as an N i dont blame him for calling her names for that. However, i dont know why she went, or why she went off with his ex best friend (who was no saint either). Ive only heard his side of that.

As for me, when he found me last year he kept asking if I was a strong woman? That he needed a strong woman. It was important to him. He said he needed me. He was very needy (or claimed to be, which I thought odd for NPD at first until I found out about unstable npd - compensatory).

And yes, when I first broke up with him i was a "nutcase", paranoid apparently, a "fruitcake" all of which arent too bad words (and I am a little as I do have a leaning towards a schizotypal personality I admit that about myself) but then when I went back, he would be nice to me but say things like "I do love you with all my heart even though you're a spiteful b**ch" (by this point i'd realised what he was and would say "actually 'Dear' you're more spiteful than I!" The worst he ever called me was a c**t. And then a few days after said "please dont call me a c**t when we argue cos you know i dont like that word". I would then point out he'd actually said it to me, and luckily as it was online, he'd check, realise he was the one who'd said it and apologise (full of shock and horror at being so callous appar!).

He did always say that he wasnt good enough for me and that my intelligence and former job as a journalist worried him as he felt he couldnt get away with anything. He was right there. And the fact that we'd been apart 19 years meant he had no idea about my 3 year ordeal with the sociopath from my past (who i got away from in 1998, heard through a friend had died in 2001, only for me to see him last year on a bus where I live - I've seen him in the distance 3 times since so I know its him - he obviously faked his death - but thats another story that you couldnt make up could you but there you have it. He was the best accomplished liar I have ever met and my N has nothing on him as far as lying skills are concerned!). So yes, my N thought I was the shy, gullible, caring, loving, naive girl I was before I met the sociopath - the post trauma from whom has stopped me having any relationship for 13 years, until my N came back in the form of the love of my life - the only person after my sociopath ordeal that I wouldve given the chance or time of day too.

Now there's one of life's ironies....
You're only paranoid if you're wrong...

Once is a mistake, twice is stupidity, any more is a choice

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love

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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby AubeO » Mon Mar 12, 2012 5:28 pm

I think my NPD might be a more extreme case. I don't recall his ever having acknowledged ANY fault or weakness in himself. His serial job losses, relationship failures, horrendous parenting record, fraudulent financial dealings and multiple bankruptcies, automobile repossessions, and home foreclosures have ALL been someone else's fault. He has freely shared with me, on multiple occasions, how much his children (one of whom, sadly, died at age 20 of complications from bulimia, and the other of whom has been in and out of jail for the past 15 years), former stepchildren, former step-grandchildren, bosses, and lovers all are crazy about him, although I have never witnessed nor heard of any of them (except some of the lovers -- I think both past and newly-cultivated -- usually in the middle of the night in texts, or in phone calls he somehow had to take in his vehicle rather than in the house "for quiet" as I apparently made too much noise working at my laptops) ever try to re-engage in a relationship of any kind with him.

Always, always, always, any disagreements between us were entirely my doing and my fault, and he has always been generous in his list of my short fallings that have damaged our relationship, while he has consistently held himself in the highest regard. I kind of laugh now, actually, looking back, on his having told me several times that he is completely without any vices, pointing out that he does not smoke or drink and that I will never find anyone like him again. Somehow it escaped him in every one of these bizarre conversations that he is chronically unemployed, had to hide his vehicle and jet ski from the bank until they finally gave up and settled, was completely living off of me (even taking credit for things *I* had done, *I* had accomplished - even for the home I am in even as I write this, into which, granted, he put about 10 hours of labor to do some remodeling, but in which he also lived, gratis, for 4 months), was professing absolute faithfulness yet (I now know) was sleeping with several other women, routinely kited checks, wanted me to fraudulently sign documents and write recommendations for him that simply defied fact, and even took cash out of my purse on one occasion, without my knowledge or permission, so he could pay for gas (to go see one of his other women, I believe now). Those, apparently, are not vices???

At any rate, he got one thing right: I will never find anyone like him again. :lol:
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby EarlyMorning » Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:49 pm

yes hun yours sounds much worse. although granted i was only with mine for 5 months (since he tracked me down) and never lived with him. Id like to think if i had lived with him I wouldve retorted to any even hinted at put down of me the same as I did not living with him. I used to have low self esteem in my youth and although I dont think im wonderful now i know im someone and worthy of respect and I will not accept disrespect. Another mistake he made with me i think (thinking 19 years wouldnt have changed me!).

If anyone did wrong and blamed me, i might be on a losing game with them telling them its them and not me, but i wouldnt let down. Im quite ruthless now myself when I want to be. My sociopath played so many mind games with me i lost my sense of judgement, trust, who I really was. He made everyone around me other than my mother and daughter believe him over me. Therefore if anyone plays mind games with me now 13 years later and recovered mentally and spiritually from him, they can think again. I know pretty much them all. My sociopath was better at the game I think. (kind of sounds like i admire him; i did for how good at it he was to be honest).

So i dont know if my N wouldve been worse to me if id not had that experience, or if Id not learnt from it. I believe my N to have some AsPD traits too so Im wary ofc of what that capability is (not purely emotional or mental abuse but possible physical too). I just wish so badly that god had not given him this - or at least that god had not brought us into each others lives at 10/12 years old. Why I've only ever loved him I do not know. I've met nice men and not so nice men since, none of them I've felt like I did about him. He got under my skin somehow when we were young. He was special somehow. Or maybe I just never met anyone who I found quite so attractive and had such chemistry with. Maybe thats all it was.

I find it funny and peculiar that neither of us look our age - we could both pass for at least 10 years younger than we are. I find it odd that we have so much in common (and no he didnt just agree to like things when he knew i liked them, i asked him for his thoughts first).

As for never admitting wrong - he does admit it when caught. He thinks his kids hate him cos hes tried to contact them but they dont respond and he thinks everyones out to get one over on him. And the crocodile tears - they were actually my first red flag - my sociopath used to turn them on all the time. The only difference between the 2 there was that my N would do it on the phone or cry into my shoulder - my sociopath would do it looking me right in the eye.

I would like a normal man to love me and for me to love. I find it absurd that the 2 main relationships ive had of any time or meaning in my adult life have been with PD's :(
You're only paranoid if you're wrong...

Once is a mistake, twice is stupidity, any more is a choice

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love

I know what I know. For everything else, there's Google

Don't judge a book by it's cover. Unless it's an atlas
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Re: Stages of recovery for victims of NPD love-relationships

Postby AubeO » Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:06 pm

I think I'm finally at the place where, if I ever stumble across someone who actually DOES love me, and whom I can love as deeply in return, great.

But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm just going to live, free of the 240-lb, 6'4" Adonis parasite, and see how it feels to just be me... :lol:
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