I'm trying to move on from a devastating breakup from a possible BDP male, and am hoping for any insight. These boards have just been amazing to read for the past few weeks, but I can't believe how much I'm struggling to get over what happened, and just need to reach out.
We met on St. Patty's day of this year, and though I could tell there was something a bit "off" (he was super aggressive, physically touching my face and thigh, while being very interested in talking to me and getting to know me - what now I assume might have been the beginning of his idealization?) I hadn't dated for over a year because I was tired of getting into relationships with people who I didn't feel passionate about, and had never really felt like I had fallen in love, ever. Anyway, he tried to get my number that night, and I wouldn't give it to him. That had just sort of been my habit, but the more I thought about him later that night and the next day, I knew there was just something different about him that I was drawn to. I found his info online the next day and texted him (he owns his own remodeling business, so I assumed the number I found was probably his cell). We met the following day at a lake to share a bottle of wine and talk, sort of a first date. Side note here: When I pulled up next to him at the lake, he walked over and leaned in as I was still sitting in my seat, getting things together to get out of the car, when he leaned in and immediately tried to kiss me. I pulled back and said "Not yet!" Another red flag? I also noticed as we started talking that he was really bad about interrupting, but I just sort of laughed and said "Stop interrupting me and let me say what I'm trying to say!" Anyway, still, I just had that certain something growing in me to where I knew I was feeling something for him. He wanted to come back to my place for the night, and I was feeling so infatuated that, even though it was fast, it was just exciting.
From then on, we were inseparable. Amazing conversation, similar sense of humor, interests, chemistry, we would even say the same things at the same time - then laugh at how we wish we had met years ago. At this point he was going through a divorce from his wife of many years. He said he had basically been out of love for about 15 years, that they had separated and gotten back together three times in the past few years, but he was done. The divorce papers were filed during this time that we were together.
Somewhat odd behavior within the first week of him spending time at my place. He completely organized and cleaned out my garage and my spare bedroom, and even rearranged my living room. I initially loved it, because he helped me get rid of so much clutter, and he's got an artistic streak, so he had some great, creative ideas with my decor. But I realize now that this might have been another sign of someone who is controlling - it was something that made HIM feel better to do.
I was falling super hard by the end of the first week. We would split time between my house and his, every night. We lived an hour apart. After a few weeks he said, "I just really feel like I'm falling in love....no, I AM in love with you." I didn't say it back, then or the next time, because I was still processing my feelings, and couldn't believe that this might actually be happening. When I felt sure, I told him I loved him.
He confided in me that he had been abused by someone outside of the family as a child, and had only in the past few years confided it to his wife and kids. An odd thing there too - after he told me about it, days later he sad, "Did I tell you I was abused as a child?" - like, he couldn't remember having told me something that big? Was he just going around telling everyone and couldn't keep track of who he told?
During this time, he would show me texts between him and his ex, and she kept making statements along the lines that he needed to get help, he was controlling, he never took responsibility for things that happened, that she thought he was schizophrenic/narcissistic....I didn't put much stock into it, but did file this away in my head. She is still in love with him, so I just sort of chalked it up to her trying to hurt him. I wish now that I had paid more attention to see if she mentioned BPD. Her sister is a psychologist and I guess they spent a lot of time analyzing him lately. He just laughed about it.
Anyway about 7 weeks into it, I'm just head over heels, and he seems to feel the exact same way. We go out and do all sorts of awesome things together, the chemistry is just amazing. He wants me to move in when the lease is up on my townhouse. He brought his son to Easter dinner with my family. He took me to meet his sister in another town, and we instantly hit it off. Everything was just going perfectly - fast, but it felt right. One night, we are sitting on the porch sipping drinks with a neighbor. The neighbor went to grab another beer, and we are chatting, and he says something somewhat insulting about a small physical flaw I have. He phrased it more like a suggestion, not to be insulting, but I am pretty sensitive, and was immediately hurt and sad. I sort of shut down and though was civil, was basically avoiding talking to him. He apologized, and I told him that I don't point out his physical flaws and then tell him to fix them. Later we were sitting on the couch while I was working on my laptop, and he sent a text to me how sorry he was, he couldn't believe he said that and that I am so beautiful to him. But I was so hurt that I just ignored it and him. I decided to grab my stuff and head back home a while later, I just needed my space.
The next morning I couldn't get my laptop screen to work, and went to get my desktop computer to set it up, but when he had organized my spare bedroom, he had knocked a piece off of it that I need for it to work. I called him, still upset about the night before. I didn't say hello or anything, just asking him if he remembered seeing this piece anywhere, he didn't know what I was talking about, I told him I needed to go because I had to figure out if I'd be able to work, and just hung up. He texted a bit later that he was sorry, and please don't be so mean. It was kind of odd, because I wasn't being "mean", but I realize how my hurried tone and feeling sad and upset probably came across. I texted back that I was unbelievably sad, and he responded "me too". We didn't text all day (which we always did all throughout the day), then I tried to call him that night, and I could tell he sent me to voicemail. I called again and left him a message to please call me. The next morning I woke up around 5 am and texted him that I was awake, and to please call me. I went to the grocery store and around 8 texted him again that I wasn't sure why he was ignoring me, that we needed to talk and move past this. His next response was "I think it's best if we move on."
I was in shock. I almost passed out. It was like a knife in the gut. It made no sense. What we were experiencing, the happiness we felt up til the night before, talking about our future...how could he be done just like that?? And he would NOT respond to texts or calls, other than, "I don't want to talk about it" and that it reminded him of times with his ex-wife. It just seemed like SUCH an overreaction. I grabbed my keys and headed to his house. He wasn't home - I knew where the key was, but didn't want to let myself in without him there, so I waited on his porch for hours, to show him that I truly cared and wanted us to talk about this. When he got home we went inside, and he just would not talk about it. He said, "It's like you took my feelings with you when you left that night." I was devastated. How is it possible to just shut your feelings down like that? How could what seemed like an easy thing to talk about and move past, make that much of an impact? He said to give him space, that the more I pushed him, I would just end up pushing him away. I said okay, I asked him for a hug before I left, which he did and was not cold, it was a long hug, so I least knew he wasn't just repulsed by the whole thing.
This all happened about three weeks ago. I texted him a while after I got back home, just telling him I didn't expect a text back, but that what we had was so wonderful and rare, that life is too short not to give us another chance, that there will be hard times and mistakes with everyone in his life - just don't give up, that I would give him his space. No response. I ended up sending a text about every two or three days, first telling him how much I was missing him, that I couldn't eat, my whole body ached, that I knew he didn't want to talk but didn't know what else to do. Another I sent was that I was still waking up devastated every morning, and that I thought just a friendly hi would go a long way, that I missed his friendship. No response. I also sent a letter to him in the mail, telling him how much he meant to me, that he was truly my heart, that I felt like I had been looking for him my whole life, that I felt sick that my actions caused him to shut down that way, and I would do anything to make sure I never made him feel that way again. There was much more, and I'm glad I did send it, because I just could not get any answers, and had to at least let him hear my side. I was taking the blame for what happened. But as time has started to pass since this happened....
I just don't think his overreaction and immediate shutdown was normal. I think most everyone that is feeling as intensely as we were would take what happened, talk about it, learn from it, become stronger together. He never responded about the letter, he only responded to my text when, one day I just said hi, that I was trying to open the lines of friendly communication, that I couldn't focus on what happened any more, that it was killing me. His response was that he just had to move on, that his life was different now (leaving behind the issues with his ex wife), and he didn't want to be in turmoil with anyone. He said, "It's not you...it's me trying to make sure that I'm true to myself." I know, the old 'it's not you, it's me'. But it was just so cryptic, and I'm not really sure what he means. I'm still in shock that the breakup even happened, it doesn't feel real. I can't process it. We just seemed perfect together - how could someone so easily give that up? When I started researching others that might be going through the same type of breakup, I started to see experiences with BPD all over the place - and being painted black. He has since only texted me a couple times to try to figure out some computer problems he was having that I had been helping him with when we were together. Civil enough, and I wouldn't even say cold, I even got an lol. But no mention of what happened. There are a few things that I'm struggling with at this point.
Lack of closure, refusal to talk about what happened. Losing someone I thought I was truly in love with. Realizing that my actions shouldn't have been enough to make him want to end it, there HAS to be something different going on in his mental process. Along that line, I must have triggered an abandonment issue. One of the things he said when I went to his house was along the lines of eventually I'll just move out....like he was already prepared for my abandoning him in the future. it broke my heart that it seemed like he'd rather end something that could be amazing than take the chance that we all take when we get into a relationship, that it might end one day. Like he wanted to end it before I had the chance to hurt him. It just kills me.
What do you all think? Does he show the signs of BPD? It's the only thing that makes sense. I'm wondering if revealing the child abuse in recent years has maybe intensified it. I am so heartbroken, devastated, and confused, and if he showed signs of interest, I would be back there again in .5 seconds. I've read over and over about recycling, painted white/black, how devastating it is to be involved with someone with BPD. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and I just can't get over him. I've found it odd that he had defriended his ex wife on Facebook, but we are still friends, and in fact, yesterday he "liked" one of my photos for the first time since this all went down. I know it's totally silly, but I can't tell you how much that uplifted me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, while at the same time wondering if I'm about to be painted white again. Or is he truly done, and truly did shut off his feelings, and it doesn't mean anything? This is terrible. I would never wish what I've gone through the past three weeks on anyone, it's been absolutely devastating, like he died. I'm thinking about him constantly, I just cannot stop, no matter where I'm at or how many people I'm with or what I'm doing. All I know is that I truly want to be with him, and I'm just stuck in this limbo, like I'm waiting for him to make the next move, because if I try to initiate any contact, he's going to pull away.