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Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

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Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby silvercrescent » Sat May 27, 2017 11:47 am

I've only started thinking about this a few days ago, but I'm worried about. My partner (who I've been with for nearly 2 years) definitely displays some traits associated with NPD, such as a difficulty in taking blame and criticism and often reacting to these with anger, the tendency to be very critical of others, and often "fishing" for compliments.

However he does not show a lack of empathy, does not have an inflated self worth or need to be the center of attention, does not expect to be treated in a special way, have visions of grandeur and is generally respectful towards me and other people, acts caringly towards me and shows interest in some of my interests and in my self improvement, has shown the ability to put effort and make sacrifices for our relationship, and put up with my own faults. And even regarding the difficulty in taking blame or being very critical, when I confront him about it, he will acknowledge that I'm right, take the blame and apologize. Also if I'm being honest, the fishing for compliments is more aimed at the things he creates as an artist rather than at himself.

We're nearly two years in so it's definitely well past the "over evaluation" phase and if I'm being honest we're in a good place about 90% of the time. And for the record what I wrote here is exactly how things are, I'm not sugarcoating anything.

So what do you think? NPD or nah? I honestly think I may be exaggerating, but after reading about NPD and relationships with people who have it, my mind is whirling and I could use some opinions from people with more experience with such topics.
Last edited by mark1958 on Sat May 27, 2017 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Moved to SOFF from NPD. Relationship post, not a support post for Narcissism.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby silvercrescent » Sat May 27, 2017 12:29 pm

Also, I actually talked to him about my worry about his narcissistic traits, and he said he only feels narcissistic in the sense that he likes what he does and has confidence (so basically narcissistic in the "common" sense of the word), but feels he doesn't have much self esteem in some aspects. And he was very conforting/understanding when he saw how concerned I was.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby mark1958 » Sat May 27, 2017 1:13 pm

Hello silvercrescent,

Your post was moved here from NPD as the NPD forum is a support forum for those who deal with their own Narcissism. It does not support relationship stories.

My 2c worth here...we can not really diagnose, just guess. But I do not think so. His ability to communicate with you openly, and express vulnerability and self-awareness, his ability/desire to empathize for how you may be reacting to this, and his desire to explain himself and disclose his weaknesses goes against much of what NPD is, and how it manifests itself in day to day living. Especially in inter-personal relationships.

There is set of diagnostic criteria relating to NPD, and it does not look from your story that this is true for him. Having some Narcissistic traits is actually quite normal and necessary for healthy functioning. People who have low self-esteem, self-worth or as one therapist put it, "self-love deficiencies" are actually taught to be adopt Narcissistic traits. In other words to alter the self-image a bit and see your inner strengths.

Someone who had NPD would not react to your questioning in a very good way. They already see themselves as a set way, and challenges to that are usually met with extreme resistance. People who are NPD need others to reflect an already anchored set of self-beliefs (they do not need to be true) back to that individual through respect/ admiration /approval. Any challenge to that and problems occur.

NPD is a very complex disorder and it's affects create difficult relationships. This is just a base level look at NPD. I do not think your partner suffers from a disorder. The fact that you two share a pretty good relationship otherwise suggests that he just has some personality quirks, as we all do.

Do you know if he suffered as a child? Had a demanding or critical parent? Or was bullied? Sensitivity to criticism/blame can manifest itself from some of these issues. If he was always told he was "wrong" before then there maybe some issues relating to that. Some shame perhaps. This is just an exploration on my part. I do not think NPD is an issue.

Having sensitivity to criticism and/or blame can be attributable to many other things. Mostly , as you suggested, low self-esteem. Someone with NPD would not disclose such a weakness/vulnerability.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby xdude » Sat May 27, 2017 1:17 pm

Just a personal opinion -

I do think a degree of narcissism is healthy. It's not an absolute matter. Somewhere on the scale between the extremes there is a grey area where it works.

It seems from what you wrote he does have empathy, considers alternative views, considers yours. He might be a bit more toward the narcissistic side than the other, but there is also nothing wrong with that, so long as it's not significantly negatively affecting you/him.

Just my thought.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby silvercrescent » Sat May 27, 2017 1:31 pm

Thanks for the input guys. And yes he was in a really bad relationship before me which is a likely reason for the high sensitivity to criticism.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby Jasmer » Sat May 27, 2017 11:52 pm

This doesn't sound like NPD. I'd be hesitant to say he has any clinically significant NPD traits at all based solely on what you've described.

From the DSM-5:

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adult­hood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Typical features of narcissistic personality disorder are variable and vulnerable self-esteem, with attempts at regulation through attention and approval seeking, and either overt or covert grandiosity.

Although individuals with borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders may require much attention, those with narcissistic personality disorder specifically need that attention to be admiring.

Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.


From the DSM-IV:

The most useful feature in discriminating Narcissistic Personality Disorder from Histrionic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders, whose interactive styles are respectively coquettish, callous, and needy, is the grandiosity characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby silvercrescent » Tue May 30, 2017 11:59 am

Since posting this, a few things have come up.

One is that my partner has ADHD. I actually already knew this, but I hadn't made the connection. But a lot of traits related to ADHD can come off as narcissistic, like the tendency to have emotional outbursts. But are NPD and ADHD actually related? It's kind of hard to understand. Anyway me and my partner discussed it and are working on ways to deal with the ADHD now.

Another is, my partner was involved in a very bad relationship, in which he was cheated on, abused and so on, which I guess is something which affects him still as well and can explain some of his attitudes.

The other thing is, my partner has this strange habit of thinking people are looking at him (depreciatively) or getting in his private space, and that I'm looking at other men, for example when we're at the supermarket and such, and it obviously causes him discomfort, but it's hard for me to grasp because, well, neither of those things are actually happening.

And lastly, and this struck me as really strange, he mentioned that he feels he doesn't really understand most people, and feels most people don't understand him as well, and that he feels different (he reiterated he meant different, not better) from most people. Now for context, he wasn't born in this country (but he has lived here for several years, and adjusted well, no-one would tell except for his accent), and he has artistic and spiritual sides to him which could explain these feelings of separateness, but still hearing him saying that sounded like an alarm bell ringing in my head. Though maybe I'm overreacting or not getting it right?

It's just a lot to take in, and I have a tendency to get pretty fixated/obsessed with my worries, so any further insight would be really appreciated!
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby Midwinter » Wed May 31, 2017 4:11 am

However he does not show a lack of empathy, does not have an inflated self worth or need to be the center of attention, does not expect to be treated in a special way, have visions of grandeur and is generally respectful towards me and other people, acts caringly towards me and shows interest in some of my interests and in my self improvement, has shown the ability to put effort and make sacrifices for our relationship, and put up with my own faults. And even regarding the difficulty in taking blame or being very critical, when I confront him about it, he will acknowledge that I'm right, take the blame and apologize. Also if I'm being honest, the fishing for compliments is more aimed at the things he creates as an artist rather than at himself.


You literally answered your own question.
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Re: Help me understand if I'm in a relationship with a NPD

Postby realityhere » Thu Jun 01, 2017 6:21 am

silvercrescent,

"But a lot of traits related to ADHD can come off as narcissistic, like the tendency to have emotional outbursts. But are NPD and ADHD actually related? It's kind of hard to understand. Anyway me and my partner discussed it and are working on ways to deal with the ADHD now."

My husband has ADHD and he has these disproportionate, emotional outbursts at little and big things alike, due to frustration at things not going right, it's part and parcel of the disorder. He struggles with focus on things and anything that distracts from the usual order of things frustrates him. NPD and ADHD are not related, however it's possible for a person with NPD to also have ADHD as a comorbid disorder. Most individuals who have ADHD don't have NPD. My husband has a lot of empathy for others and considers other ppl's feelings or thoughts in social interaction with others, and he certainly doesn't have any grandiose ideas of himself.
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