SOMETIMES HPD HURT TOO

Xdude

I know not whether I despair for you or envy you, to still be talking to your ex HPD.

Do you still get sickening butterflies? Does your heart leap when you receive a text or call from her?...Do you hear the lambs at night?...sorry I felt like Hannibal Lecter asking such impertinent questions...I am just putting myself in your position.

And I must comment...surely it is so different now you are not ignorant to her condition. You are no longer the blind being led by the blind...Now you see where she leads you. Now you must be surely be her guide? You know the path you have walked...do you take her back to the path you both have walked, and open her eyes and show her the footprints...do you show her where she wandered from the established path? Nay where she ran from!

And if you do...do you see her eyes wander to that place that calls her, and grip her tightly and pull her taught?

Sometimes I let her wander ...run from our path...often...and often I would not be far behind her and would catch her before she became too lost. Sometimes I wouldn't let her wander...unlike those before me, they laid themselves out like petals on the path before her and ignored anything that happened off the path because they were grateful she had returned to 'their' path...again and again.

I would tell her straight...No your 'F&cking not!; And if you do!!!!' Not aggressively just firmly...and she listened....again God knows what she was like when I wasn't about!!

Xdude Imagine if you knew what you do now about HPD back then when you met her...Imagine that! I find myself asking this question And to you too Mark...Given all you both know now, Would you of pursued her, back then?

My answer is yes...without a doubt...you know why...Again I have said it before I knew she was different...and when I weigh everything up...yeah I would I really really REALLY WOULD!

Hey Sebastian...

SebastianSt wrote:I would tell her straight...

Can you see what happens here? We start out as a men, trying to engage, to love and care, and we become parents in some strange way. Looking to teach, to correct, to adjust, to get her to understand.

I was with my ex to be a man, not a father. Crying in exasperation, "Why can't you see this?" and watching her face intently, seeing her eyes dart back and forth as her mind searched for comprehension. I can honestly say she just did not realize how she impacted me or others. What affect she had on people. Innocent and childlike in expression. But at times, appearing calculating and measuring.

I spent a great deal of time trying to find the answers to the above. What was intentional. What was designed for maximum reaction. And what was just Histrionic spontaneous enthusiasm? For some reason, I needed to know this. To assuage my ego, to think she cared how I felt? Could be any of those really.

Yet, learning never really did take place. I would see her disappear at times. Right before my very eyes. She would lose her self in some infatuation, forgetting I was even there. And then once she came back, looking at me sheepishly for a reaction. Like a little girl who knew she did wrong. These times really took me to some strange places. I have never experienced this sort of thing before, and quite honestly, do not relish returning to it.

I need a connection. I need a relationship with an adult. I do not say this to be hurtful, cruel, or insensitive. I say it simply as fact. I already exhausted myself trying to fix the unfixable. And yes, I did that for selfish reasons. For me. I wanted to stay with her, but not like this. I needed to be able to trust her. And I just could never bridge that gap.

In the end, walking away was the only solution. But I did not go willingly. I thrashed about emotionally, acting very much my own wounded little child, eventually winding up here. And even though it was the right choice, it was one of the hardest things I had to do.

As adults we come to know that fairy tales do not exist, but for a little while they did. And in a sometimes harsh and dark world, who wants to leave that behind.

Hey Sebastian,

I am just more honest now. I mean that while I had originally believed that walking on egg shells, avoiding, agreeing, etc., to keep the peace, I also learned that I also had become part of the problem.

Those what-if questions are harder to answer We really cannot know what we would have done if it was all different.

Well.... you may find this hard to comprehend....

-- Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:30 am --

Well.... you may find this hard to comprehend....

Hi All.
I like this thread.
I am relating with an HPD woman and I understood her PD very quick.
I consciously choose to stay close to her, knowing both sides of the coin.
I don't walk away because I want to evolve, to better know myself.
I will evolve faster. I will ask myself the right questions faster. Like you say when they mirror us it's easier to understand what is wrong with us.
I want to learn to mirror people like she does; but to make some good, with a different purpose.
The fact she is engaged with another person, a real and full NPD, makes it all easier I think.
I do not fear the low self esteem she will cause to me, and already causes. I can deal with it. When it is too much I simply step back for a while. It's up to her to reach me back or walk away. I can deal with both choices she could make.
I can accept fully her way of being, I know helping her is sometimes counterproductive, but changing them is not something we can do and I am fully aware of it.
Since I knew everything from almost the beginning I could hold my emotions, and cut my losses.
I feel like having her close is a way to enjoy life better, deeper. We live only once.
I could understand she was "not right" thanks to the fact that long time ago I had a relation with a pwBPD, and psycology is like a hobby to me.
Thanks for all your insightful thoughts from this and other threads, reading them really helps me, all resonates.

Hello Whiteflag,

Welcome to the forum. If you want, please feel free to start your own thread and/or story. If you choose not to, no worries. I wish you luck.