Seductive Narcissist trying to ruin my life - please advise

Thank you for your words Jasmer. Yes I am currently taking medication and have been for the last 5 months, which I assume is helping me with anxiety. I also have been prescribed non-addictive sleeping tablets to help with sleep. Yes I will try and book a week away soon with my partner.

Regarding Realityhere's comments, I agree about having reservations reporting this girl to my managers. However, this week the girl has made a formal concern over my work to the managers, of which I had to sit in for 2.5 hours for a meeting, when essentially it was a failing of the girl's skills to gather information from the client to allow me to complete my work. She has got in with the managers. It's a shame as I have known my boss for many years socially, however, he has also pushed out many colleagues from the job - the business in itself is becoming slowly toxic, so I am eager to leave.

Regarding something in my background that might have influenced how I required a need in this girl, would probably be that I come from a loving, close family, and am therefore open and trusting of people. In fact, my failings would be that I didn't seek to question this girl throughout the whole situation as I was trusting of her. I should have asked her specifically when she was planning to leave her boyfriend if she was so eager I would leave my gf. I would often ask her what her parents thought of this whole situation, of which she glossed over, I assumed she was just shy, when she was probably deflecting questions.

I essentially believe in the goodness in people, yet in my life have met people who were obviously 'bad' or had questionable morals, which I could detect early on, and would therefore keep my distance. But having had no prior experience to borderline personality disorder people, I simply did not question someone who appeared to be so kind. I was attracted to her as a person because she had kind eyes, was joyous and happy, and appeared to be able to keep secrets and would therefore be trustworthy. I am an open person but don't discuss private matters openly unless I trust someone, of which I did. I even mentioned to her "I 100% trust you" which I had never said to anyone before. Therefore, she probably knew that I wouldn't try and question her.

I still trust people and friends, I just have had the incredibly unfortunate experience of her turning my life upside down. The problem for me is that initially I assumed that this situation would be just an issue for her and me, as we had been keeping things private. However, it is like a bucket of water spilling out over all my life in that since she showed her dark side, it's affected my relationship with family members (who after 7 months are tired of hearing about it), as well as shame and guilt towards my partner and also friends, many of whom are still loyal and understanding, but it doesn't stop me worrying what they now think of me. Furthermore, I have always taken great pride in my job and get much self-worth from my career - this has now become incredibly difficult - I should have told myself that getting involved with people at work is risky.

Alfamagendo - my relationship with my gf is strong, however, it has put a great strain on things, simply as I am depressed and this has consumed my mind, when before I was easygoing and enjoyed socialising. I am trying to maintain this, though when I come home every night in a sad mood from work, it is probably hard for her to always lift me up as essentially I caused this.

The best analogy I can describe with my experience is like meeting someone who you bond with who appears trustworthy and reliable. You are in some money trouble, yet over time they infer to you that you could both take part in a bank robbery.

They tell you they're in money trouble too so it would make sense to both think about this. You know it might be wrong but gradually you begin to trust them as they seem intelligent and sensible. After weighing up the potential risks of the robbery, you start to formulate a plan with them, as it starts to seem a lower-risk than you initially thought.

They start persuading you to check the bank's security, the getaway route, what time to rob it, and how to break in. You know it's wrong but it seems to start making sense and you think of it solving your future financial situation. The positives start slowly outweighing the negatives. And you trust them implicitly that they won't tell anyone this secret pact. You might very well get away with this.

They agree to drive the car and tell you to break the bank's window. The building's alarm goes off, however you look back and suddenly see them driving off, laughing at you. You can't understand why they would do such a thing, and callously drop you in trouble. You wonder if they are an undercover officer or simply a sadist, and suddenly question the whole time you spent with them, that every conversation you had was a lie. In pure shock, you realise you have put yourself into a vulnerable position and from low-risk, you know you are in the opposite - your whole life could fall apart. All you can think of is them laughing at you as you worry you be exposed to the world as a criminal, when really you are partially responsible. However, all you have is your word against theirs - there is no evidence to help you.

You have to hand yourself in, but you know they've got away with this plan, and they have made steps to provide an alibi that they weren't even there at the scene. You have to sit in your prison cell and know that they got away with it, while you feel the shame and guilt of your actions.

This might appear slightly dramatic, but I simply mean that I accept my responsibility in this, but it is galling to feel I have been tricked. She might very well get found out in the future, but at the moment, it doesn't seem to help my situation.

I've also found it difficult to speak to friends who I haven't been in contact with since before this, as I don't know whether to discuss it or gloss over it. However, because I have been reclusive which is out of character, they might suspect something is up.

I often have the dilemma about having to remember how much I have said to each friend, as I have edited some elements of the story to soften it to certain people, such as simply saying I was tricked my a narcissist to break up with my partner for fun, rather than me flirting with her and following her advice. I know this is not 100% truthful, however, in all honesty I don't wish to reveal everything. Sometimes I simply say that people in my office have made things miserable, of which I am depressed about.

This situation has consumed my life. I never had to worry what people thought of me as I felt I'd never done anything too wrong to warrant people disliking me. Now, I am worrying what friends and family think, as well as acquaintances, but most importantly, I am upset that I caused such a crack in my relationship with my girlfriend. I bitterly regret it, but whereas if I had simply suggested breaking up and no-one else been involved, I wouldn't have had such torment, or caused it.

I worry it has set doubt into my girlfriend into the confidence in the relationship, when if I had resisted breaking up with her initially, I believe I would have been able to repair it. I bitterly wish I had tried to go for counselling prior to this. I know that I would have recognised my failings, and avoided this traumatic experience with a narcissist.

I know that with hindsight, we would all live the perfect life. But this feels like it's set a negative chain reaction. Suddenly, I had to repair my relationship, whilst being terrified of retaliation by the narcissist. Then I had to hold down my job, as I believed managers seemed to give me the cold shoulder and make my work life complicated. Now I have frayed relationships with friends and family.

I feel like I'm in a whirlpool, but I can't seem to step out of it. I know that life has its ups and downs and there are no guarantees, but I feel so sad that this experience has tarnished my life, and made my life a minefield. I used to feel excited about the future, now I simply feel skeptical and pessimistic. I know I'm the only one that can change that, and am taking positive steps to do so, but life seemed so easy before this. I don't like confrontation, but I have to appear friendly and work closely with my betrayer.

I thought this girl at work appeared to be the "mother of your children" - i.e. kind, caring, sensitive, listening, attentive. But she is more like "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"... I don't mean that flippantly, it is just a great shock and makes my look in the mirror everyday, as I look at myself and think I've swayed my life in a different direction, like a ship steered into the storm, than to the shore. I just am worried I can't steer it back.

"However, all you have is your word against theirs - there is no evidence to help you."

Ah, the feeling that you were "set up". Although it may appear to be that way, some aware pwNPD in the NPD forum have said that they don't consciously go out of their way to intend harm to others, that their actions are more at a subconscious level and they're unaware of the impact of their maladaptive behavior. It is second nature to them because they have too often been the object of criticism and scorn as young children by a disordered parent or caregiver and learned early to wall off empathy (weakness) to survive the abuse. The parent or caregiver failed to meet the young child's emotional needs for a secure sense of well-being. The pwNPD derives a false image of herself from others, as she doesn't have an internal compass to gauge her sense of self-esteem.

Hence, as an adult an unaware pwNPD believes everybody does the same thing to others, it's her "normal", that's all she ever has known. It's why some pwNPD are astute at perceiving ppl's weaknesses, whatever these may be, empathy, caring, sensitivity, etc and become the reflection of your mirror, only to take advantage of what really are a person's good qualities for seeking the attention that they never got as kids. It becomes "all about HER". When criticism or doubt enters into the relationship with a disordered person, the dynamic turns into a discard of the one who finally starts to see the cracks, that something doesn't add up in the relationship. You became devalued supply, and she moved on to her next target or back to an ex.

"I know that with hindsight, we would all live the perfect life. But this feels like it's set a negative chain reaction. Suddenly, I had to repair my relationship, whilst being terrified of retaliation by the narcissist. Then I had to hold down my job, as I believed managers seemed to give me the cold shoulder and make my work life complicated. Now I have frayed relationships with friends and family."

That's a lot on your plate. Prioritize the relationship with the gf above everything else, if she truly is the one you want to be with. Build a solid trust with her. You're taking steps to put this narcissist in the rear view mirror by looking for another job.

We all make mistakes in our judgment of others, none of us are perfect. If your friends are really friends, they'll understand eventually. With time and healing in the process, you can steer your ship out of the storm eventually. It's never a direct beeline to the shore, it requires repairing the sails and tacking with the wind, more like a zigzag pattern but you'll get there, albeit in an indirect way. The tradewinds will return and you'll get to shore a little older and wiser.

Hey 7seconds,

I know these are just words...

It is going to be difficult to separate your sense of trust in others from this one person. You will be questioning your sense of who you are for a good long time to come.

On the plus side, you will come out better off for this experience, but it is hard to see now.

You made a mistake getting involved with this person, but (yes just words), but it really was just a mistake. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself (again just words; easier written than done).

Your strength of character lies in your ability to acknowledge your own part in what went wrong. It is what makes you strong. Hang in there. You are not her. You may be surprised how others react when you embrace who you are.

That's a lot on your plate. Prioritize the relationship with the gf above everything else, if she truly is the one you want to be with. Build a solid trust with her. You're taking steps to put this narcissist in the rear view mirror by looking for another job.

This is what I was going to advise when I asked about your relationship with your girlfriend. The first thing is to let go of the guilt! Your analogy works well; Using the same line of thinking, you are not a career criminal. You were duped by a master criminal, far more pragmatic, calculating and ruthless others have been duped so there is no shame in that!

Throw yourself into your relationship with your girlfriend, instead of wondering what she is thinking. Concentrate on being the best boyfriend you can be....."FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT"

If you feel down, suggest going out anyway. Go to the movies, a play, a concert, anything that will take you away from your thoughts.

Go swimming and channel your guilt into aggression, set targets for yourself, faster times, more laps. Anything to focus yourself. You have turned anger at her and disappointment in her internally; release it positively! "depression is rage turned inwards", I don't know how true this is but it definitely makes a lot of sense!

I'm going to be a bit coarse here and say YOU ARE WAY TO GOOD FOR THAT STUPID B****! Believe that! Your compassion, care, love, empathy and concern were wasted! She doesn't know what she lost! You don't seem arrogant in the least. However, in this case be arrogant! you are a better person, a better human being and a better friend than she could ever hope to be! Start acting like it in front of her...Fake it if you have to! Just do it

You will get through this, stronger, wiser and better!

PS apologies for the overuse of exclamation marks

Thanks realityhere. The girl is an only child who I believe was probably spoiled her whole life, and who still has close contact with her parents everyday, so perhaps she requires constant adoration?

Xdude - Thank you, I trust other people, I'm just frustrated in the way I behaved by getting involved - I should have resisted flirting/conversing with her when I knew it was wrong enough that I didn't tell my girlfriend a the time.

I wish I hadn't panicked when I found out she was tricking me, perhaps I could have kept my cool, but at the time I was in such shock of her actions, and she immediately defensively became annoyed at me for messing her around, saying she'd made her bf cry in the car about his future, which paled in contrast to me trying to leave my gf and sell my house. I hadn't slept and had never factored in that she would act so sadistically, so was unprepared to how I acted. Of course, I can't change this now, but it has caused the situation I am in today.

alfamagendo - I will try and focus my attention on my GF, it's just difficult when I have to face the situation everyday. It is hard to switch off, but I will try. The girl is incredibly convincing as a kind, genuinely happy person, it is even to my mind now when I hear her in the office, hard to believe what she did to me as she appears so charming. But I obviously refuse to entertain the idea that I trust her. I'm just sad I tried to leave my gf for her, as if I had refused she might have backed away, but I fully don't know how she might have reacted.

A few days ago the narcissist forgot to ask the client important information for my work, I asked for more info, but she then made a formal concern that I wasn't using my initiative in my workplace. I had to have a 2.5 hour meeting with management about my performance.

In fact today, the narcissist girl was in a business meeting with just her and me, and suddenly out of the blue said "Why do you hate me? I don't understand why you're cold with me". I said "About what?" - she said "About everything that happened" - I replied "What exactly?" (to maybe subtlety get her to admit things, or at least deflect it back to her) - she got up and said "I can't deal with this meeting when you're being difficult" and went and told management I was being difficult with her and she was too upset to conduct the meeting, trying make herself into a victim.

It's hard when she's continually trying to get me into trouble and prod me for a reaction, but knowing I can't really speak about everything. The difficulty is that I've known my boss 15+ years as a friend, and in a sense I could possibly speak to him, but I worry that he may relay everything to the rest of management, and it become an office gossip item.

The other issue I have is that during this whole situation, I confided in my mother about the whole thing, as we are very close. I know deep down she only meant well as a caring mother but she permitted me conversing with this girl, even though I asked her advice daily - she simply saw me as happy, and over time assumed this girl might make me happier than my girlfriend. I even asked my mother if I should tell this girl I liked her too, of which she said I could. Of course, in hindsight, this was well-intentioned but very poor advice.

On reflection, if I had asked a friend or my father they would have advised me not to get involved, especially with someone from work. Naturally, because it is difficult to get the narcissist to accept responsibility or reason with her, I (wrongly) have blamed my mother for her advice. My gf found out through body language and hearing conversations that my mother willed the situation on, which is another reason for stress and worry about the future. My mother is kind, but she like me, didn't properly consider the consequences, or perhaps was as trusting as I was that this girl was telling the truth.

I know I can't blame her, and ultimately it was down to me, but it is painful to think that if I had merely asked another relative's advice, they would have told me not to risk things. I have always asked my parents for life advice, but my mother is a soft touch, and just wanted me to be happy, rather than tell me what might be right.

7 seconds as much as I understand how you're feeling having been through it. It seems the hardest thing for you is forgiving yourself. You have to do this; everyone errs, its the human condition. Your mother was giving you sincere advice based on what she knew.

Maybe your dad or a friend would have given you different advice or maybe they would have encouraged you. The important thing is that this is all in the past. We all slip up in one way or another, there isn't anyone who didn't/doesn't.

Since you like analogies, you are performing an autopsy to find out the cause of death when that doesn't change anything. The person is dead and it doesn't matter whether it was an aneurism or heart attack, the result is the same.

concentrate on being good to yourself, to your girlfriend and speak to your mum if you are close; YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. Work on getting a new job, getting away from the constant interaction and reminders of the situation.

I'm honestly not blaming you for your reactions or feelings. But since I'm just someone on the other end of a computer, I have to be as to the point as I can.

Be positive! Be Strong! Be good to yourself!

7seconds,

Is there a way to shoehorn a fellow work colleague into the meetings you have to face with this narcissist? If this is possible, a third person present will keep her from dredging up personal issues and accusing you of things that are not there and then reporting "problems" to management. Try to have a witness to balance things out in the meetings with her. A woman colleague will certainly throw her off balance.

Yes, it's possible that being the only child can cause the parents to have unrealistic and overwhelming expectations of a child, which is just as abusive as criticism/neglect of a child. Unbalanced parental admiration with no reality checks can sometimes create the overt type of narcissism in a young child.

I am trying to understand what you said in your original post--"but in my mind, as it wasn't anything physical, I initially felt it was permissable." Are you actually saying that nothing physical/sexual happened with this woman, yet you felt it was permissable? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but when nothing sexual happened, as say an affair at a hotel room or whatever place, it's not actual cheating. What you may be describing here is emotional cheating, but this is on a far different level than actually having been in bed with another woman when one has an ongoing intimate relationship with a trustworthy SO or loving wife, which has more devastating consequences when found out.

Admitting the emotional cheating to your gf shows that you have a conscientious and honest nature to own up to your failures. As I said before, none of us are perfect-- we all make mistakes at one time or another. It makes you the better person, in contrast to the narcissist's gaslighting behavior.

The encounter with this narcissist does reveal something about an unmet need of yours that you can explore with a professional therapist. That may be part of what is driving the guilt trip you're experiencing.

@alfamegendo, thank you, I find it hard to forgive myself as I jeopardised my relationship, job, home and friendships in one decision. I am most remorseful of unnecessarily hurting my gf, and her having to find out that it was because I had the intention of leaving her for someone else.

The analogy of autopsy is useful, it is in the past. It's just that the corpse is a zombie in the shape of that girl who won't seem to die... but I take your point that it is unhelpful scrutinising the past. It's just that is has formed consequences from this, like a ripple effect, such as how people perceive me and my gf - that I was willing to leave her for someone else.

@realityhere I could try and add another colleague but this solo meeting was rare. I agree that a witness might help for any potential problems.

I can see how people might view my actions as not as bad as those of someone who slept with a colleague. However, I think my gf implied she'd almost rather have found out I'd kissed someone at a party than this as there was greater intention here, in the same way of plotting a crime for a long time. I think it wouldn't have been so bad had I not tried to break up with my gf. It is frustrating as in hindsight I would not have panicked and might have assumed this girl would not say anything. But when I found out she had tricked me, I was knocked for six - I couldn't believe her actions so assumed the worst that if she was capable of tricking me for amusement then she would try and make my life difficult.

I think the guilt trip is me perceiving myself as incredibly loyal and having high standards, but in this sense I really let myself down. And I never thought I would be capable of putting myself in this situation, and thinking it would work out.

I recognised during counselling that perhaps this girl pretended to take an interest in my various hobbies which maybe my gf hadn't done as much, but in that I realised I just needed to take up additional hobbies with my partner, that would have solved things. We are doing those now.