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What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby Halo94 » Tue Jan 17, 2017 7:48 pm

Hello, first off all I want to apologize If I´m posting this in the wrong topic and please excuse my mistakes in language.
So I´m writing this in hope that somebody can give me some sort of psychological expertise about the traits and problems of this girl. In general I think I understand but still I would like to understand it from a deeper point of view.

So this girl, I liked since ever. But she was the girl, later Ex of my best friend, at least where I´m linving. Ex because she betrayed him. Well after that happened and a while we started to become really good friends. Her ex started to use her feeling and played on them while he had other girls so I supported her a bit and she felt much better. Than he went for an student exchange and our friendship began to flourisch, so much my sympathie for her became love.
She seems to be always so nice and cute, She hugs everybody and acts like she has compassion for everybody and most time people feel her good vibes and everybody likes her. So I felt in love with that because nobody gives me that ecstasy.
I told her than about my love and as her ex had another girl on the exchange she wanted to date after first saying no. I took the risk to lose my best freind and believed in her. Maybe betrayed him but in the end she waited for him one year, trying to avoid flirting with others. So I thought she learned from her mistakes.
Well as we started to date, I realized she had trouble to forget him. In the evening everything was fine but when she woke up by my side she was always deeply thinking. I asked her If everything was fine. She almost never wanted to talk. I realized early that she didn´t communicate much things to me. That she had her secrets. But I thought it´s ok she needs time to forget him.
And after four weeks she seemed so damn happy with me. Told me thanks for making me forget him.
And here is the beginning of the bad side of the story:
She had to go for 8 weeks to brazil. After 2 weeks she started to avoid long answers and conversation like e.g. first she tells me she bought new underwear and lipstick. So i told her: Hey show me the lipstick ;) ...well and she knew exactly I wanted a photo from her but she only sent me a photo of the lipsticks...I just thought ok something is wrong. With everyday she wrote less and less till she didn´t answer me. I asked: why you ignoring me?
The answer came ONE WEEK LATER telling me nothing till I made pressure on her she told me she doesn´t feel nothing. As I felt there was more I kept digging. She started to tell lies like: I knew it wasn´t serious (It was because we said we would make it official when she would come back)
She told me she didn´t knew about my feelings and from sudden she suffered from amnesia. So many things she tried to make me believe I was inventing :x
Then I spotted on Facebook that she was already flirting with her ex. I felt totally betrayed. She didn´t see him and just forgets about me without any conscience. Not feeling any guilt for ignoring me or that I would see that on Facebook.
Weel after she came back I wanted to talk with her. As we met she hugged me strong and started to sing and dance to the music as If she still was in brazil. While I was drowning in sadness. Than I finally started to talk and she just said she don´t want to be with me. But no apology, no guilt in her eyes just a dry I´m sorry. Well we decided to be friends. But I felt she somehow still felt attraction to me.
It also turned out she had some other dudes in Brazil and booked a concert with her, but claiming that she actually overthought it and doesn´t want to be with him, at least she was not sure.
After a while we met again, and we almost kissed after watching a movie. BUt she said she does not feel that it would be fair because her ex spent so much money on the concert and she was going with him the next day. And she said we better should not do things all alone because she don´t to be with me. Ok I accepted it.

After 4 Days a message from her: Hey lets watch a movie! I already noticed on Facebook something was wrong between her and her Ex. As we met she told they had an argument.
From the beginning she started to flirt and wanted to sleep with me. I said I want to try it but slowly, and that we both need time. She did say nothing just hughed me.
Somedays later again she started to ignore me, saying all time she has no time. Now I know she was again with her ex.
I was in shock again she used me as medicine for her ex. Again she didn´t tell me nothing, didn´t apologize truly and started to say that she never told me would try it...even than she knew a love her so how dare she want to sleep with me.
Since than she did a lot of #######4: She starts to write than ignores me, wanted me bring her some documents to the house of her ex, and she started to flirt with me for two days again, but then she got well with her ex and since than no word from her. Just a: I need to tell you something.

So yeah thats the story...I mean she is insane:
- Started dating me and said she is starting to feel a deeper connection
- ignores me to not confront the reality
- then starts lieing and pretending there was nothing
- feels no guilt for what she has done
- has like 3 guys at the same time
- her apologies have been super superficial, always accompained by an excuse for herself
- used me to overcome the argument with her ex whom she says is the love of her life, but is abled too just switch like that her feeling and want to sleep with me
- not giving a f* for my feelings
- never felt like she tried to understand me, of tried to feel me (lack of empathy, even though she acts like she has so much of it)
- tried to tell me I overrated things
- never tries to face her mistakes, doesn´t learn from them as she is always giving excuses to herself and building a pleasent reality
- never thinks about consequences
- acts as a friend and says I´m so important to her as a friend but than she lefts me hanging and flirts with even if she knows that it hurts me a lot because I trule love her
- in the end she manipulated me

Some more things about her:
- When she was about 11 her parents divorced. She is saying it affected her positively because she is now more open minded. Never understood that...And what she does not realize is that she already told me the story 4 times, that her uncle beat her for no wanting to eat and wanting to see her brother and dad.
- She says she fears the happiness know because she fears it will pass by. She gave me as example that she always feared the business travels of her dad because then she couldn´t see him for so long. But as I said I´m sry it affects you so much, she started to get super defensive telling me I should care about my own and that shes totally fine.
- She sometimes has problems with telling her brother and mother that she loves them. But tells everybody else how much she loves them. ( ALl kind of friends)
-She in general has a problem to speak out her mind and to confront her thoughts.
- No self discipline
- I feel like she fears deeper feeling

So i gave up now on her because she is just toxic. Will always play with my feeling as she will feel the need of love.
But It drives me crazy to understand what kind of person this is? How would call it as psychologist? What would be your diagnosis. I know it´s not that easy just by this description, I know psychology is a process of getting deeper understanding about the person, but still maybe you can tell me something.
It´s the last thing I can´t let go abut her. Would you call it a toxic character? what kind of? are there known terms to describe such a personality?

Because in the ends she says she wants to be a good person and acts totally good as a friend. I experienced it. But when it comes to a deeper connection she seems to fail.

Thanks for reading all this :)
Halo94
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby xdude » Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:41 pm

Hey Halo94,

Just so you know, this forum does not permit diagnosing others, though we do allow sharing personal experiences.

That written, it appears you see clearly that there are many red-flags. Impulsive behavior, an extreme need for others approval, flamboyant expression of caring among acquaintances while lacking or avoiding close relationships, an unwillingness to own responsibility, shallow sense of empathy, etc.

Diagnosis or no diagnosis, you know what you need to know ;)
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby mark1958 » Sat Jan 21, 2017 12:58 pm

Hi Halo,

My colleague here xdude is right, we can not put a label on her regarding a professional diagnosis. He is also right in saying you know what you need to know.

I am going to say something rather direct to you, but straight from the heart.

"Run, do not walk, away from this person." This personality type, of which both xdude and I are familiar, :wink: , will lead you down a path towards heartache.

Her attachment style to people is razor thin. Her feelings about others changes with the wind. And she will think nothing of pulling you in again and again, without any empathy or consideration for how you feel, then abandoning you again and again.

If you try to use logic, rational thinking, or even just being fair to you, for all of the good you have provided, she will just create a different story in her mind. And tell herself that it is you who has the problem. You will hurt all over.

So, I say, good for you that you got away. And trust me on this last point. While you may be hurting that you are not with her, you would have been hurting much, much, more if you were.

Best of luck!
There are no failures, only lessons!
Resistance leads to suffering, acceptance leads to peace
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby xdude » Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:28 pm

Complete agreement with Mark's post above.

Both Mark and I (and many others) have been in the same place.

Unfortunately most of us do have to learn the hard way, even when we know better, but if you do continue with her, you will end up very hurt, and she will have learned nothing. Those 'damsel in distress' pleas appeal to our lifetime formed beliefs about what our role is, and how to earn love. It's understandable you feel your role is to be there to support/help her, and maybe if you just keeping doing so, she will love you back, but...

Please be careful to take care of you. Please also try to remember that whatever she has told/shown you, it's the same with others before you, while with you, and will likely go on with others over and over for many years to come. One day she may make a choice to really change, but that won't happen so long as others are playing their role as fixer/saver/healer, etc.
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby Halo94 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:40 am

HI, I wanted to thank you for yout time! I thought this post was deleted so I did not read the answers.
So it´s been a while. We tried to be friends but it´s not posible. Seeing her wih her boyfriend who once was my very good friend does kill me. And I always feel like he is savoring his victory. Which he does..
And I also don´t trust and believe her so I quietly distanced myself from her. She did too but wrote me from time to time.
She seems very happy to be with him again as she wanted to undo her mistakes.
So at least she stopped flirting with me which was a good thing, but still I don´t think that after all I want or need her "friendship". She showed me she does not give much of an interest even though she tries to keep contact now.
Told her that I don´t see her as a friend anymore. Tomorrow we are going to talk an last time. She probably wants to do something to calm her conscience. I won´t do her that favor.
I will tell her everything now, of course in an respectfull manner.

I´m still missing her but now I at least KNOW that she isn´t what I´m seeking for. I loved a girl who never would have been able to do me what she has done to me.
Another conflict inside of me is to accept that she seems so happy with her boyfriend now and that she is willing to be better in future just for him.
You can see they trie both to invest into the realtionship.
So it´s hard to accept that I seemingly never played a major role in her life and that she never considered me someone special.
But in general I´m much better and I learned to follow my rational thoughts rather than my feelings.
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby Halo94 » Thu Apr 20, 2017 8:01 pm

We talked a last time and I told her that I don´t think she has a good character and that she did me very wrong. She reacted just by saying nothing responding every 10 minutes with answers like: I´m not like that, or you wanted a relationship...stuff that make any sense in her defense.
She heard me out and I think it got to her, but her attitude when speaking was: Well I am this way and I´m not as bad as you are saying. I am good.
No self criticism or apologies. Just silence and some phrases to defend herself, which were very superficial. So I think I did the right thing.

Still I told her that I hope she will learn from her mistakes one day. And when she asked me why I´m so bothered when I don´t want a friendship I responded:
Because I loved a beautiful girl and a part of me still loves her. I can´t but care about you.
I saw this got to her and I think all I said got to her but she don´t want to comfront it. She is way to happy now with her ex to bother herself with problems. She does not do that in general.
So end of story...
Halo94
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Re: What the hell is wrong with this girl?

Postby mark1958 » Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:48 am

Hi Halo94,

I wish you best of luck.

In life we run into people and/or situations where the person does not want to see how their behavior impacts others. How their attitudes and actions cause harm. For some, they just do what they do without a lot of thought, or regard for the well being of the other person. For them, they feel it is right, because, well they want it at the time. Problem is, this type of thinking does not lead to good inter-personal relationships.

Some of us have had to learn the hard way that we just can not control how others think and behave , or how someone treats us. And we do not need to take responsibility for anyone else's actions or feelings. We can only control our own. We do not have to accept poor treatment. For some, we have to learn this. There are good people in the world who can get lost in believing that the other person just needs some care or love or affection, or a little help to see things correctly. But more often then not, this only leads to more pain. Because people do what they want to do.

If she was a HPD, she holds this idea in her head that she is basically a "good person" who everyone should love/like. This is her way of having self-esteem. But it is a false construct.Anything that conflicts with that view is vigorously rejected, and the person pointing that out usually gets the brunt of the blame. See, she just can not see through her emotional blind spots and that she has either taken advantage of you, hurt you, or both. Such an admission would trigger such feelings in her that she has been trying to avoid her whole life.

In the end, when we find ourselves trying to explain to someone that we should be treated with love, care, and respect because we are treating them with love, care, and respect, then we know or should that the only recourse is to walk away. Because if someone does not understand this already, then the relationship is already lost.

All the best
There are no failures, only lessons!
Resistance leads to suffering, acceptance leads to peace
mark1958
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