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was my ex a narcissist? a sociopath? just a jerk?

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was my ex a narcissist? a sociopath? just a jerk?

Postby coffeesnow » Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:17 pm

i really want to get this off my chest to everyone. i've recently been dumped by my boyfriend of on and off 2+years (1 year 3 months straight) for what seems to be the 3rd + time. i want answers. i want to know why. rationally, logically, this makes no sense. i've listed this below so it's no too long.. i appreciate your input.
- met 2 years ago through friends. i'm his 1st real girlfriend.
- he got my number by asking to send a selfie with a cool tie he had, but then didnt text me for another month (after i saw him again.)
- next time i saw him, we both stayed at a friends. he took the couch and offered to let me sleep next to him. i wasn't comfortable w/ that and he said he wasn't giving it up otherwise. i slept curled in a ball on the armchair.
- he came off as super charming, outgoing, interested. i was overwhelmed, flattered. he asked me about everything in my life, but couldn't relay back much info later on.
- we started talking constantly. nonstop texting, phone calls, gchat at work. he became part of my routine.
- has substance issues (alcohol + drugs [[coke, mushrooms, molly, etc.]])
- 1st date he hassles me because my mom wanted him to stop in to say hello. she asked him to stay for coffee and he played his charm. later that night he said there was "no way" he'd actually stay.
on 1st date, he asks if i'm cold. when i say yes, he tells me he'd give me his hoodie, but that he'd be cold then. i laugh, thinking he's kidding, and he repeats himself. "no, seriously, i don't want to be cold." later he would joke that this was a reference to the office. i paid for the snacks that night, and he let me. he fell asleep halfway through the movie.
- 2nd date he took me to dinner and i thought we had a great time. he didn't speak to me for a full day after that. when he did, it was to tell me he couldn't offer me what i was looking for and that we should be friends.
- this "on/off" cycle continued for months. he'd tell me every other week he'd wanna try with me, and then would decide against it. on one of our "off" cycles, he actually used my name to get into the bar i was going to for my birthday. i'd mentioned to him that i won a wristband deal there, and - he used my name to get he and his buddies in. he stayed, kissed me, but then left to go bar hopping with them.
- on another "off" cycle, he told me he was using Tinder and wouldn't be stopping. he went to a wedding with a girl he met on there, and ended up telling her off. he would screenshot their convos to me, where she was begging him for a chance, and he told her there was no way. this was his way of validating his feelings for me. i did see one of her texts to him saying she never fell for guys that fast after sleeping with them, let alone only talking. he told me he didn't sleep with her and that she must have meant something different.
- we started dating at some point (how the hell this happened i don't know) but basically on our first day dating, we'd gone to a game and then to bars after. we both got very drunk and into a fight - i don't quite remember about what - but i was wasted and begging him to help me home. he screamed at me that it was over and that i had to find my own way home. he went back inside as i sobbed to flirt w/ his female coworker, and a nice man on a bike helped hail me a taxi. 3 hours later he texted me saying "sorry i'm really drunk. breakfast tomorrow?" the next morning he did not take me to breakfast, but stopped at my apartment to grab his things. we made up but only because i was trying to fix things.
- he took me to meet his entire family and it was showy. i felt uncomfortable. he told me he had the "gift of the gab" and that everyone loved him. his parents were very cold people. they wouldn't talk much and i found out later he was a mistake and that his parents didn't say "i love you" very often. they dropped him off at the curb in college and drove off, and he found this funny. as soon as he moved out, they turned his bedroom into an office. he also found this funny. it was strange for me because i come from a very loving, nurturing family.
- we were fighting a lot at this point. i was insecure and he was very emotionless. he wouldn't react when i was upset. he didn't want to deal with arguments.
- lies were coming out at this point. "i've never brought anyone home to my family, so you know you're special" turned into "i've never brought a girl around as much as you before, so you know you're special."
- he had a very specific speech pattern. "no doubt about that!" "i most certainly will." "for sure!" - it was repetitive, recycled and empty. real conversation (that i tried to engage in) was hard to accomplish with him, unless it was relevant to him.
- a week after he brought me to his family's, i offered to let him sleep over at my apt after a happy hour he had a work. i'd let my phone charge for a bit and then went to dinner w/ a girlfriend. when i got back, i saw several messages from him demanding to know why i was ignoring him. he also sent a selfie. and when i responded that i was at dinner, he ignored me.
- the next day, he texted me that we "needed to talk", and that he refused to tell me about what. he told me to call him after work. i did that, and he asked to call when i was back at my apt. he knew it was a 2 hour commute for me, and that it was basically prolonging the agony. i called him and he asked how my day was and then said that we were incompatible, that we fought too much. then he said in this robotic voice "i'll always remember the good times. we had bad times, but i will always remember the good times. you're an amazing girl and i wish you the absolute best."
- 5 days later, he texts me. i don't recall what happened but we didn't get back together for another month.
- at this point, he says he loves me and that if i ever wanted to relocate for my work, he'd come with me. that he'd do anything to be with me. that i'm like no other girl he's ever met. that he's never wanted to be serious with anyone but me.
- a month into our next relationship, after getting wasted and coming to my family's for a party and grabbing my ass in front of my dad, i mess up.
- i texted my ex saying i missed him. this was my fault. it was #######5 and selfish. i was lonely in my relationship with this guy. he'd been talking to a girl who was JUSt a friend, who would show up at his apt and call him all the time, and ignored my remarks that i was uncomfortable. at one point i was sobbing on his bed and he stared at me emotionless - even going through his facebook pictures with this girl right in front of me. i begged him to react, to comfort me. he said "i don't know how." so anyways, i texted my ex that i missed him. he knew i was with someone else but i was just so lonely. he went through my phone while i was sleeping and then texted my ex back from my phone, calling me a bitch and asking him to call him to talk about it. he tried to kick me out but then settled on making me sleep on the couch. the next morning as i tried to apologize and said i ###$ up, he stared at me as i cried. "your tears mean nothing to me," he said. we broke up. he lived less than 15 min from me at that point but still just mailed me my things, with a letter stating again how great i was and how he'd never forget me. i tore it up.
- he texted me on thanksgiving. i don't remember about what, but basically said he missed me but couldn't be with me. these random texts would happen here and there. "Are you still writing?" he'd send (he knew writing was my passion and i'd lost touch with it). he would come in and out of my life, saying he wanted to be with me. he would sleep with me and then leave the next day, saying he didn't want to be with me. i'd ask him if he loved me, and he'd say "i don't want to answer that."
the day after new years, he texted me that he was "thinking of me when he saw the first snow." and asked how my NYE was.
- we would do this for a few months. the next time we talked, i begged him to stop. i told him that he was hurting me, confusing me. he was livid because i'd had a one night stand w/ my coworker on new years. i was ashamed and felt nothing for this guy, especially cause he'd been my friend beforehand. i was just so devastated and made a mistake. but he didn't let me live this down, and ended up saying he was going to try dating his coworker who i'd been worried about all along. he blocked me.
- fast forward a month from the time he blocked me. he texts me that he was sorry he didn't reach out, but he wanted to give it a little bit of time before seeing one another. he asked to get coffee.
he tells me he and the coworker broke up mutually, that she wasn't the girl he thought she was. that she wasn't a nice person. i met this girl. she was very, very normal and very nice. i find out shortly thereafter that she dumped him via text after 2 weeks of dating.
- he tries to get back together, and a week later changes his mind (after i brought him cookies and let him borrow a book we'd talked about reading together the first time around).
- 2 weeks after that, he seriously asks me to be his gf, and says we will make it work. that we'll get through our issues, and that this is our last chance. i say yes.
- things are good at this point, we have a good time together. we make eachother laugh. we connect deeply. i'm happy, he seems happy. things are good.
- he doesn't get me anything for my birthday. says he'll treat me to a trip instead, months down the line.
- he keeps tells me he's "bad with the emotional stuff" but that he's trying for me, that i'm changing him. that i'm the first girl he's said "i love you" to and meant it. i believe him.
- we go to a special park near us and he offers to fill up my gas tank (i drove us everywhere) because he knows i am struggling financially. he's upset the entire way there because i'm quiet and won't speak much.
- when we get there, i'm hungry and buy myself a burger. he later gives me $#%^ about this, demanding to know how can i afford a fifteen dollar burger, and when i said i had to eat and he wouldn't buy it for me, he said "hell no i wouldn't buy that for you."
- we walk to a fest another time and i say i have no money to spend on the food. he makes no offer to buy anything for me.
- every bill we come across, he asks to go dutch on. he rarely treats me. i tell him at some point that i don't think i'm high maintenance, but that it would be nice to be treated to a date once in awhile. he screams at me that HE wants to be treated to dates too.
money becomes an issue and he says he will spend his money the way he wants to.
- he goes on a trip last august and lies about using coke. he also freaks out when he finds out that i'm going out with my friend and her bf. her bf brought along a male coworker and my ex FLIPs, saying it sounded like a double date (even though i had no idea it was going to pan out that way) and blamed me for it.
- he goes on vacation w/ my family, and questions the bill ("that seems really high? are you sure it's that much?" is what he told my mom) after me and my parents paid for most on the trip.
- my mom never liked him and said he seemed disingenuous. she said he got this very "cold, creepy" look in his eyes when he'd look at me and that he'd try to cut me down in very subtle ways. she saw him shake the dog off his leg roughly one day at my house when he thought no one could see. "he doesn't seem like a real person," she told me. "it seems like a front." she also said he would "half listen" and i'd notice that. i'd say something, he'd interrupt, and wouldn't bring up the topic i was speaking of again. or he'd just reply with very distant, nonreceptive answers.
- he took me on a trip with his family, where i paid for all the food and drinks (this came out to $700) and he held it over my head for awhile, that he always did everything. that he took me on that vacation and paid for most of it. mind you, this was my bday gift from 6 months before, apparently.
- when i was sick and wanted to be near him, he'd refuse. "Stay away from me, i don't want to get sick." when i'd try to comfort him when he was sick, he'd tell me to stay away from him.
- when i'd ask him to pick me up anything from the store, and it was out of his way, he'd say flat-out "i'm not doing that."
- when we were both at the store and i needed something but couldn't pay for it, he'd offer but ask me to pay him as soon as we got home.
- he would never come to my apt. i'd have to come to his.
- i lost my job. it was devastating. when this happened, he supported me, but the day after he asked when i was going to start looking again and that i needed to get one ASAP.
- he'd scream at people - his boss, the taxi drivers, if they ###$ up. we left our things in the back trunk of a cab after new years and he ended up screaming at the poor young woman working in the cab office. it was unsettling.
- he'd always ask me who i was texting when i was with him but would get mad if i ever asked him.
when i did get a new job, he was so happy for me. but then as i kept telling him about all of the perks of the job, he asked me to "stop bragging" because he was unhappy at his job.
he expected a promotion after a little over a year and a half at his new job that pays over 60k a year. when he didn't get it (and got a less than stellar performance review) he actually screamed at his boss's boss to give him some "######6 answers". he told me he was going to leave and find a company that would see how great he was and not take advantage of him. he's still at his current job.
- his childhood dog died suddenly and I remember thinking it was so strange he wasn't more upset. he just said, without any emotion, that "I'll miss that little guy." his parents both said it was a blessing because there was no longer dog hair anywhere. it was just.. odd.
- he dumped me on our 1 year anniversary, saying he'd been thinking about it for awhile, and then took it back the next day.
- he asked me to move in with him. i told him if i were to do that, i'd be givng up the opportunity to live in my place another year. i said it was a huge step and we'd have to work through problems because it would significantly impact me if he kicked me out. he said he'd never, that he loved me, that i'm his sweetpea, etc. i believed him and moved in.
- he started telling me to not come home when he was mad at me. i was an hour late meeting him to a bar one day because my boss pulled me aside to talk to me as i was leaving and i couldn't reach my phone. when i finally got in touch with him, he was livid. i apologized profusely, saying i didn't mean to leave him hanging, and that i'd make it up to him. "I left a happy hour i was having fun at to see you," he said. "get here in 20 minutes or don't bother coming home." i get to the bar and he screams at me that i'm disrespectful. the bartender looks shocked. he stands up and announces he's leaving and says he doesn't give a ###$ what i'm doing. at that point, tears are streaming down my face, but he just storms out. i follow up. it's raining and i'm in painful heels, so i ask him if i can hold onto his arm to walk. he keeps storming forward, leaving me wobbling behind him in the rain. he announces when we get home that he's going to his buddy's because i didn't make time for him so he's not gonna make time for me. i try to beg him what i did so wrong, and he sticks his finger in my face, "shut your mouth when i'm speaking to you." he leaves me sobbing in the couch, offering a "later babe, love ya." 3 hours later he texts me to let me know he'll be home soon, and asks if i want a sandwich from subway, as if nothing happened. he then apologizes for leaving, but says he wanted more of a heads up. he doesn't address anything else.
- when i do address EVERYTHING he said, how disrespectful it was, he tells me he wants to fix it but he doesn't know how.
- he starts getting weird that i'm hanging out with my gfs more often, asking if me going out is going to be a "regular thing" and that he's "not dealing with it." he also freaks out over me spending more time w/ my new coworkers, asking if it's gonna be a regular thing. he starts accusing me of being more social w/ other people and not him.
- i go on vacation w girlfriends and he demands to know who i'm with and what we're doing. i'm honest and tell him we received bottle service from a bachelor party, but that obviously nothing happened. he thinks i am being sneaky and calls me ,screams at me, calls me a liar and says he doesn't trust me. he hangs up on me.
- my parents visit for my bday, and he gets shitfaced wasted. he also secretly gets high, which i am unaware of until later, when my mom mentions she smelled it on him. when she asked him how living together was, he says very snidely, "let's just say i'm a LOT cleaner than your daughter." my dad tries to alleviate the situation, saying my mom wasn't clean either but you learn to adjust, blah blah. my ex says, while pointing to my mom and i, "what's wrong with these two? aren't the women supposed to be domesticated?" later on, he calls my younger brother a "#######1" for how his shirt was buttoned up. i tell him to stop drinking, that he's wasted, but he continues. at the restaurant, he cuts his face on glass and makes a scene that he's gonna "work it" and get something out of it. he breaks another glass, i'm humiliated, and he refuses to address it the day after.
- I end up exploding on him when he tells me I'm disrespectful cause I'm messy and I say how dare you call me disrespectful after the way you acted towards my family. he expresses shame but doesn't do much else. I tell him I'm not a perfect person but I love him unconditionally and respect him and that I don't feel he respects me or values me.
- he asks me if i am dumping him and i said i'm not sure what i am doing. i ask him what he thinks i should do, that i keep getting hurt but keep staying. asked him what he'd do if it was his family member being treated like that. he says he wants to work on things because he values me and respects me.
- when I went to his family's the weekend before he dumped me and he assured me everything was fine, that we'd talk it out, I believed we were fine. we were happy. he assured me he valued me, that I was his everything.
- he texted my mom apologizing for being drunk at my bday two days before he dumped me. he told her he'd make it up to me.
- the last week a male coworker on my new team invited me and a few others out and my boyfriend wasn't happy. the final straw broke when I went out for drinks with coworkers and didn't tell him for a few hours. he freaks out over me being out with that male coworker being there, tries to lock me out while he's high, and when I say " I know you're mad at me but can you please help me with my cut on my leg, it hurts me" ( I cut it shaving he week before) he says no. i say I think it's infected and it hurts me, he said "maybe it'll hurt less when you sleep on the couch tonight."
then the next day tells me we need to talk but won't say about what. says "I'd rather not talk about this until we're in person." he keeps sending me funny animal gifs or memes throughout the day knowing he was dumping me later. he broke up with me coldly and said I didn't need to move out immediately (no rush was his exact words) and that he wished me the best. he told me the spark wasn't there and that both of us are unhappy and there is no fixing it. he says I'm a little emotional preteen and brings up things that I don't think are that big of a deal. I told him to stop telling me how to cook when I was learning cause he'd always make fun of me - one night I snapped at him to let me learn my own way. he used that as a reason to dump me. - he also got us concert tickets moths before (for someone i didnt even like) and didn't remind me of when it was until the the day of (when he knew id agreed to go to my friends bday at this point because I wasn't aware the concert was that night). i had offered to go w him at the time but said i'd have to meet up with her after, he he said "no, you're not allowed" and took a buddy instead. he used that as a reason also, saying i was selfish and didnt care about our relationship. while I cried, he laughed. he LAUGHED. and smiled. and I said this isn't funny and he responded with "no it's not." he also told me things aren't exciting with me anymore. he said things had been bad for awhile and I was confused because I thought they'd been good; he had kept telling me they were good, that he was happy and that i was his everything. I associated any tension with just moving im together and adjusting to one another. we had a ducking vacation planned in a month for gods sake (thankfully we hadn't booked it yet).
- he dumped me after mentioning marrying me the weekend before. telling me I was his everything. telling me he'd always be there for me. that he loved me.
- I take off a day of work to move my $#%^ out with a girlfriend and he asks me to let him know when I'm moving my things out. I tell him and he asks if I have help - I say yes and he demands to know if it's a guy. I didn't tell him because I owe him nothing. the last thing he texted me was if I wanted the one thing I left behind, the gift he got me for my birthday weeks ago. I said no. he said "whatever, garbage it is."
- we talk days later and he keeps going back-and-forth from "I miss you but this is for the best. I cry all the time. i'll never forget us." and he tries to carry a normal conversation like nothing happened. he says he's sorry for kicking me out, for "doing that to you". finally he says he wants to talk when he's home, I want to ask about what he says he doesn't want to talk about anything he broke up with me and he sorry that he let us talk so much that day. he puts all of the blame of the relationship on my shoulders. and he starts miss informing me of things that happened. I told him a month before to not go running one day because it hurt his foot and should take it easy. he told me in this argument that I wasn't supportive of his running and always told him not to go. I said I never said that but he ignored me. he said the male coworker of mine was inviting just me to things and I reminded him that I told him he's been inviting the entire office, that I sent him the invite showing that this guy invited everyone - not just me - to events. he refused to hear me out and it's like the situation was completely different in his head. he told me I was not nice to him and I disrespected him and I was immature. he told me he was not happy and that he wanted a wife and started an account for a ring. he said he wasn't playing these games. I told him he was playing games because he told me for months that he was happy. he ended up saying I constantly berated him (cause I was expressing my unhappiness with him getting wasted at my bday and leaving me to walk in the rain alone). he said "this hurts me just as much as it hurts you, I want you to know that." and asked to meet for "closure" and "proper goodbyes." he stated asking what I was doing that night and who i was going with. He tells me he had an awesome presentation for work and that "the clients really loved me but they always do. everyone does." I stopped responding to his normal convo tactics.
- a week later, he texts me wishing me a happy father's day and says he hopes i'm well. he says he wants to meet up to exchange the last of our things, and that he's been reflecting a lot about us and himself for the past few weeks and writing his thoughts. he says he wants to meet to talk with level heads and gain closure, not to get back together. i tell him i'm not interested and he says he's disappointed and that he'll coordinate w/ my friend to get me my things back. i tell him not to bother, that they're replaceable and to toss them. he says he doesnt want to and i tell him i dont want them back and to do what he wants with them. he says "i had things to say but i won't bother you again."
- i find out recently he tells hisbuddies we broke up cause we were fighting a lot and he was fed up. he did bring up that he got wasted in front of my family but doesn't go into specifics. he also says he tried to meet up for closure but that i refused.
- i found out recently through a friend who's dating one of his friends that the guys don't like to invite him out much anymore, because he's too cocky and thinks he's better than them. interesting.

and that was it.

bottom live - I was dumped and left homeless. by a guy who dumped me several times before in the past. how can he go from being loving to cold and detached ? it's like he gets off on leaving me.. please offer some advice, as I am beside myself .. maybe I'm the narcissist here. maybe I'm crazy. i am confused because narcissists typically have that ideal, devalue, discard phase. he never really treated me all that well. it was so on and off "i want you, i don't. i like you, i don't. let's try, let's not."

i was insecure. i'd always ask if there was someone else. i was so damn insecure, but i tried so hard. maybe it was my fault. but I've given him my trust for so long. how can he go from loving to cold and detached ? it's like he gets off on leaving me.. please offer some advice, as I am beside myself .. maybe I'm the narcissist here. maybe I'm crazy. maybe it was my fault. but I've given him my trust for so long. im broken.
coffeesnow
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