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Advice for Family of a User

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

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Advice for Family of a User

Postby So_Lost » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:00 pm

Hello,

First off, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I am at a loss. For most of my father's life, he has been a user of various drugs. (Alcohol abuse, heroin, cocaine, meth, and pot, as far as I know). He was clean and sober during the later years of my parent's marriage, but was both verbally and physically abuse to my mother. When they divorced, I was only nine and didn't know any of these things about my dad. I begged to be with him, being a daddy's girl, and, so, while my siblings stayed with my mom, I went with my dad.

When he met his GF Kim, my dad became a severe alcoholic as she was already. I would play bartender at 12, making drinks for him and his GF. At 13, I grew to the understanding that my father was not only an alcoholic, but was also partaking in methamphetamine. I developed a nasty habit of internalizing everything instead of confronting him about it and started cutting myself for the next 3 years. I went to live with my mom, not being able to handle living with my father anymore. His addiction became so bad, that I was having to care for him, instead of the other way around.

Once I was with my mom, I sought out help and had a great life. Except, I disowned my father. Refused to speak to him ever again. I hated him, especially when I learned much more from my mother. She tried to get me to have some sort of relationship with my dad, despite her own past with him and any feelings she had herself. But, I still refused.

Jump to the present, I am 25, and just recently started to talk to my dad again. I haven't exactly forgave him, but I was willing to try to put everything behind us so we could be a family again. Especially since I have kids of my own now, and wanted them to know their grandpa. My dad said he was sober now -- no alcohol, no drugs. He had spent some time in jail because of this, and had just finished his probation. He had a steady job working gas pumps for a year, which was great news. But, also sad, seeing how he was a welder/break press operator once upon a time.

I felt like I had been unfair with him. And that I had gone about everything the wrong way. But, I had been tired of the lies and the fact that he wasn't willing to get the help he needed. But now, today, I went over to his house and was devastated. There was my dad, and a friend of his, smoking meth.

I didn't know how to react. I got a bit angry and said to his friend, "I don't give a $#%^ what you do," and then turned to my dad and said, "but I am pissed off at you." He followed after me, and tried to talk to me. I was more sad at that point and just told him that I was disappointed in him. I told him I trsted him, once again, and that he had again lied to me. He said he was still alive, and had it in control. To which I replied, "But for how long?"

I walked out. And I'm feeling absolutely helpless and lost once again. What am I supposed to do? Should I just walk away from someone who isn't willing to seek help? Or should I keep trying to convince him? What is family of an addict supposed to do? Either way, I feel like I can't just sit by and watch my father waste away anymore. Please, help me. :cry:
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Re: Advice for Family of a User

Postby Otter » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:02 pm

Hi SL - I am going to mirror this post into our Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum, where it might be seen by more members.

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Re: Advice for Family of a User

Postby So_Lost » Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:20 am

Otter wrote:Hi SL - I am going to mirror this post into our Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum, where it might be seen by more members.

Otter.


Thank you for that. I wasn't sure where to post.
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Re: Advice for Family of a User

Postby realityhere » Sat Apr 18, 2015 7:08 pm

"Especially since I have kids of my own now, and wanted them to know their grandpa."

I've never experienced alcoholism/drug addiction in my family but the mother of a close friend of mine did. My friend told me an interesting story that her mother who grew up in a home with an alcoholic father told her years later when both were adults. She recalled there were a couple of years when her grandpa, newly widowed and retired, came to live with the family but then moved to a boarding house afterwards and came to visit in the afternoons after the kids got home from school. Her mom then told her why grandpa moved out. His drinking had gotten to a point that she kicked him out of the house and told him, I've known all thru my childhood that you'd go off and drink and you were never "home" so you better be sober when you come to visit here as I don't want my kids to remember their grandpa as a drunk with alcohol on his breath. (I suppose you could describe what her mother said as a kind of "intervention".)

He stayed sober after that. The kids never knew that he was a recovering alcoholic until years later when they were adults.

Your father has to WANT to change and deal with his addictions, you can't do that for him. :(
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Re: Advice for Family of a User

Postby recoveryAngel » Mon Oct 19, 2015 1:02 pm

That is so heart breaking. I understand how difficult it is to forgive after the person has exhausted your trust. On my part, I don't think you did the wrong thing when you left him. You had your whole life ahead of you, for me, what you did was logical. Maybe it helped your father too. Who knows? Maybe leaving him contributed to the"push" he needed to quit.

About what to do now, well, he is family. I honestly think you should give him and your family another chance. Do convince him to seek professional help, with your love and support.... you guys can work on his sobriety again, prolonging it and therefore minimizing any chance of relapse. You also need to do this to save his life. Check out this infographic to see what I mean: http://i.imgur.com/SBHCxLP.jpg

I wish you all the best. Don't give up on family just yet.
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