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My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

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My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby southernseeker214 » Tue May 21, 2013 3:38 pm

My girlfriend and I met 3 years ago. I had just gotten out of a terrible divorce and was heart broken. Literally destroyed by it. But I gathered my strength, found my faith and rebuilt my life. Went to therapy, started meditating and became mentally and physically healthier than even before.

At nearly the exact same time, my girlfriend (though I didn't know her then) had gotten out of a physically, emotionally, sexually abusive relationship to her second husband and was rebuilding her life. I later found out that she had been sexually abused starting at a VERY young age and it lasted for years. When she graduated HS and got married, her first husband of 10 years became a junkie that destroyed their lives together. We seemed to find each other at just the right time. Two wounded souls on the path to healing.

Our relationship and love bloomed. 1st year was wonderful. 2nd year was literally the happiest time of my life, even during my marriage. In those two years, we probably argued twice. 3rd year...everything changed. Her personality morphed/revealed itself. She became addicted to me. Literally obsessed. If I was 10 minutes late coming home from work, she was crying on the floor thinking something had happened to me, when all I did was stop off for a nice bottle of wine for dinner. I could never go out alone, friends, both male and female, were screened by her and if they didn't meet her approval, she would blow her top when I said I was going out to grab a bite with someone. I was expected to go to work and come home. That's it.

She never went anywhere. Just wanted to stay home. Moods would change by the second. We'd be laughing and having a wonderful evening, I would go to the restroom for a moment, and when I returned, she would be crying because she missed me. When my family, who I haven't seen in 8 years, offered to buy my plane ticket to see them in California, literally begging for me to come, she said if I were gone for a week, she would die. After numerous arguments about it, I relented and didn't see them.

After a year of this, I felt like a prisoner. I told her all the time to go see friends and family, that time apart was a good thing for a couple since they can go off and enjoy themselves, return and feel refreshed. She only saw it as my attempt to leave her, which I wasn't. Her panic attacks came over everything. If I didn't respond to a text within a few minutes, she would panic, flip out and start to call me screaming in tears or anger. If I wanted to get some alone time for the evening, we would argue before I left. I was 10 minutes late one night and she screamed at me as if I was 6 hours late, drunk and covered in stripper glitter, when all I did was go out for a drink and try to calm down from the day.

All of this led up to last November when we had a terrible verbal argument. I told her I was done. I couldn't take it anymore and we needed time apart: A separation so she can figure things out and work on healing form her past abuse. She had a full-blown nervous breakdown, grabbed a knife and cut her wrist. She was taken to the hospital, stitched up and sent to psych for one week.

When it was her time to leave, I said I needed to be alone. It was over. Family, friends, etc...nobody wanted her in their house. She didn't make enough money, still doesn't, to live on her own. It was me, or homelessness. She came back and was on 4 different meds to keep her calm. Started couples therapy. We argued, literally, every single day for 5 months. My health began to deteriorate. I started having chest pains and panic attacks. Work suffered as a result.

Her meds would work for a while, then stop. Doctors switched to new meds. They worked and we stopped fighting. Then they stopped working and we argued again.

Repeatedly, she's told me, as well as to her doctor's, that she's trying her hardest to turn me into an abuser because that's what she's used to. I won't do it. I've never struck a woman in my life, nor committed any sexual offense against them.

Last week, on the way to dinner, I told her I physically and mentally can't do it. She undid her safety belt, tried jumping out of the car as we drove down the street. I calmed her down and we made it to the restaurant. When I told her why things were not working, that a separation would do us good, she threatened to stab me with the steak knife she held in her hand.

I can't move out right now because we are both on the lease. She can't afford to live at our place on her own and she can't move out because she doesn't make enough money to live. She has no car, drivers license (it's been revoked) and friends don't want her staying at their place because they're worried what she will do. I've told her to go to therapy and she hasn't made the effort to set up appoints. She has come to the conclusion she wants to stop her meds because they don't work.

What do I do?
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby Kabuhi » Tue May 21, 2013 10:19 pm

First thing's first, don't take out another lease with her. Go your separate ways when the current lease runs out. Work and health should come first, so try to move out if possible even if you have to live tightly financially for a while. Also get a police restraining order if you can as future evidence that you tried to end contact with her but that she wouldn't relent hounding you.

I'm sure you're probably afraid of getting stabbed, but it will only hurt for a little while if she stabs you then you'll heal. Personally I'd be more weary of an acid attack or something else that can leave you physically scarred for life, so keep a good amount of baking soda and water around or something basic. If she stabs you or tries to stab you, then let loose and proceed to beat the living $#%^ out of her. Temporarily forget your sense of ethics toward women because that will get you hurt worse or even killed. Stop talking and treating her like a sane person, because obviously she's currently not a sane person.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby produkt » Fri May 24, 2013 1:24 am

In a way, I get it. It seems that she has severe attachment and abandonment issues. I've been guilty of doing some of those things, like freaking out about someone being late or not texting quick enough. Still, it's no excuse and if she wants to continue the relationship, she should put in the effort.

I will say that there is a possibility that her medication is exacerbating her feelings. When I was on medication, it made me incredibly violent. I actually assaulted someone with a knife. Everyone was afraid to be around me, in case I snapped. Once I weened off all the medication, I became considerably less violent and tempermental.

Also, if she's threatening you or threatening herself, do not be afraid to call the police. Maybe what she needs is some time in a psychiatric facility, or at the very least, a night or two in the ER, being watched to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone. They could even make sure that she actually gets help and follows through with it.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby southernseeker214 » Fri May 24, 2013 9:47 am

produkt wrote:In a way, I get it. It seems that she has severe attachment and abandonment issues. I've been guilty of doing some of those things, like freaking out about someone being late or not texting quick enough. Still, it's no excuse and if she wants to continue the relationship, she should put in the effort.

I will say that there is a possibility that her medication is exacerbating her feelings. When I was on medication, it made me incredibly violent. I actually assaulted someone with a knife. Everyone was afraid to be around me, in case I snapped. Once I weened off all the medication, I became considerably less violent and tempermental.

Also, if she's threatening you or threatening herself, do not be afraid to call the police. Maybe what she needs is some time in a psychiatric facility, or at the very least, a night or two in the ER, being watched to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone. They could even make sure that she actually gets help and follows through with it.


Appreciate the insight. She won't get the personal help she needs. She knows the meds don't work, but won't go to a therapist to work on the issues. We've done couples counseling, which she thinks "counts" as therapy. I know, her doctors and friends do as well, she needs to go and deal with the issues of abuse that started all of this, not just for the difficulties in the relationship.

Last night she told me she freaks out because I treat her like a "Delicate crazy flower," and wouldn't act that way if she was treated like an adult. But when I do treat her like an adult, everything sets her off. If I change plans at the last minute, something harmless like if we don't have anything scheduled for the evening so I decide to go out for a bit, she goes ballistic. That's not a healthy response, especially when a person offers in exchange making the following night a special date night in return. I'm in a band, which she is also part of, and when I want to make changes to the Line up or take things in a new directions she flips about that too.

I can't communicate with her logically. And I'm a very grounded logical person. I'm going to two therapists right now to deal with this: a counselor and a hypnotherapist.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby HesDeltanCaptain » Fri May 24, 2013 6:22 pm

Sometimes people are so ill there's simply nothing to be done but put them in an in=patient care facility when they can get the help they obviously need. She's obviously not capable of living on her own nor with you or anyone else. But you shouldn't be expecting to someone provide a stabilising influence for her because that's only for non-ill people. Your solutions are the solutions for people not perceiving the world in delusional mentally-ill ways. If you try and stay with her she'll simply self-destruct and probably take you with her. Sometimes a ship sinks and if you don't wanna go down with it you get off. Sucks when it's people we care about and love, but there's simply nothing to be done, it's neuralogical and she needs treatment, not understanding.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby AndyChow » Sun May 26, 2013 2:16 pm

From what you've described this is not a healthy relationship. It sounds like she does not have a life of her own, she's sort of living through you.

Maybe force her to get some hobby of her own, like painting classes or something like that, that she has to do without you? Then again, she might refuse just to get in an argument. If she's seeking to be abused, then making you angry all the time might be her way of trying you to do that. It's a hell of a way to live. I'm also reading through the lines that she might have substance abuse problems (revoked licence). Anyway, that only worsens things.

You are not responsible for her actions or her happiness. But you are responsible for your own actions and your own happiness. Being unable to contact your family because of this seems really awful.

I really doubt she'll become homeless. Probably latch on to some dude that will beat her. That's what she wants right? It's hard if you care about someone to see them self-destroy, but you can't always sacrifice yourself for them.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby masquerade » Sun May 26, 2013 2:43 pm

Hi. I feel that you could benefit with the support of two forums here. We now have a Significant Others Forum for the partners and relatives of people with mental illness. I will post your thread there and leave a copy of it here so you can gain the benefit of two forums.

Your own emotional health is important and you sound as if you're engulfed in this situation. Would you consider therapy so that you can talk to an empathetic and impartial person who can help you to decide where you go from here, and help you to process all the emotions you're going through as a result of being in this situation.

The replies you had here all contained good advice, which I can't really add to, except to say that your emotions, reactions, feelings, and life are important and very valid, and you can't change your girlfriend's emotional situation. Sadly, she has to take responsibility for her own treatment and her own emotional reactions. You can only fix yourself.
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Re: My girlfriend has lost her mind...please help me

Postby aliveatnight » Sun May 26, 2013 8:29 pm

I can understand how she feels, as I'm guilty of quite a few of those things. I can have a mood swing in a second, react bad if someone doesn't text back quick, severe attachment problems, you get it. While it's difficult to live with, it does not excuse her actions, especially not the severity of what she's done. There's nothing wrong with feeling, but acting on the thoughts with absolutely no regard is cruel and wrong. And if she isn't willing to recover, then you need to get away as soon as you can. I know it's difficult, but get a restraining order, and get out of there. I know this is what you don't want, but you honestly can't worry about whether she'll be homeless or not. There's things she can do, and she can do it on her own. You need to take care of yourself right now.

I'm sorry you've been through so much.
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