My girlfriend and I met 3 years ago. I had just gotten out of a terrible divorce and was heart broken. Literally destroyed by it. But I gathered my strength, found my faith and rebuilt my life. Went to therapy, started meditating and became mentally and physically healthier than even before.
At nearly the exact same time, my girlfriend (though I didn't know her then) had gotten out of a physically, emotionally, sexually abusive relationship to her second husband and was rebuilding her life. I later found out that she had been sexually abused starting at a VERY young age and it lasted for years. When she graduated HS and got married, her first husband of 10 years became a junkie that destroyed their lives together. We seemed to find each other at just the right time. Two wounded souls on the path to healing.
Our relationship and love bloomed. 1st year was wonderful. 2nd year was literally the happiest time of my life, even during my marriage. In those two years, we probably argued twice. 3rd year...everything changed. Her personality morphed/revealed itself. She became addicted to me. Literally obsessed. If I was 10 minutes late coming home from work, she was crying on the floor thinking something had happened to me, when all I did was stop off for a nice bottle of wine for dinner. I could never go out alone, friends, both male and female, were screened by her and if they didn't meet her approval, she would blow her top when I said I was going out to grab a bite with someone. I was expected to go to work and come home. That's it.
She never went anywhere. Just wanted to stay home. Moods would change by the second. We'd be laughing and having a wonderful evening, I would go to the restroom for a moment, and when I returned, she would be crying because she missed me. When my family, who I haven't seen in 8 years, offered to buy my plane ticket to see them in California, literally begging for me to come, she said if I were gone for a week, she would die. After numerous arguments about it, I relented and didn't see them.
After a year of this, I felt like a prisoner. I told her all the time to go see friends and family, that time apart was a good thing for a couple since they can go off and enjoy themselves, return and feel refreshed. She only saw it as my attempt to leave her, which I wasn't. Her panic attacks came over everything. If I didn't respond to a text within a few minutes, she would panic, flip out and start to call me screaming in tears or anger. If I wanted to get some alone time for the evening, we would argue before I left. I was 10 minutes late one night and she screamed at me as if I was 6 hours late, drunk and covered in stripper glitter, when all I did was go out for a drink and try to calm down from the day.
All of this led up to last November when we had a terrible verbal argument. I told her I was done. I couldn't take it anymore and we needed time apart: A separation so she can figure things out and work on healing form her past abuse. She had a full-blown nervous breakdown, grabbed a knife and cut her wrist. She was taken to the hospital, stitched up and sent to psych for one week.
When it was her time to leave, I said I needed to be alone. It was over. Family, friends, etc...nobody wanted her in their house. She didn't make enough money, still doesn't, to live on her own. It was me, or homelessness. She came back and was on 4 different meds to keep her calm. Started couples therapy. We argued, literally, every single day for 5 months. My health began to deteriorate. I started having chest pains and panic attacks. Work suffered as a result.
Her meds would work for a while, then stop. Doctors switched to new meds. They worked and we stopped fighting. Then they stopped working and we argued again.
Repeatedly, she's told me, as well as to her doctor's, that she's trying her hardest to turn me into an abuser because that's what she's used to. I won't do it. I've never struck a woman in my life, nor committed any sexual offense against them.
Last week, on the way to dinner, I told her I physically and mentally can't do it. She undid her safety belt, tried jumping out of the car as we drove down the street. I calmed her down and we made it to the restaurant. When I told her why things were not working, that a separation would do us good, she threatened to stab me with the steak knife she held in her hand.
I can't move out right now because we are both on the lease. She can't afford to live at our place on her own and she can't move out because she doesn't make enough money to live. She has no car, drivers license (it's been revoked) and friends don't want her staying at their place because they're worried what she will do. I've told her to go to therapy and she hasn't made the effort to set up appoints. She has come to the conclusion she wants to stop her meds because they don't work.
What do I do?