Am i sick? or just mixed up.

Hi there,

I think alot about getting hurt. I would really like to break a bone and end up in hospital, even tho it has never happened to me, i fantasize about being really hurt, and being hospitalized. Officially i have been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia and post traumatic stress disorder. And all of these are very real problems, but I feel the need to be "the patient" all the time.

I have no friends and no real family and am dependent on my psychologist, shrink and psyche nurse, its like they are the only types of people who can fill this desolate emptyness inside me. I dont think im a dishonest person but when i am seeing a doctor i exaggerate and am vague with my descriptions of the illness in case he thinks im not telling the truth.

I get off on the diagnoses and attention i get, like getting blood tests done, and often end up accusing the doctors of being idiots for not finding something really serious wrong with me. I've been through countless doctors. How do you know if you are really sick or not? everytime i get sick i doubt im actually experiencing it, is it all in my head?

At some point in my life ive thought ive had just about every medical condition there is, like if i have ear ache i think im going deaf, i totally talk myself into thinking the worst and then go on a trip to the doctors, get all the attention from everyone for it, then the condition heals up and im fine again.

Maybe even thinking that i have factitious disorder is just a symptom of really having it. I feel like im going completely crazy, even tho my mental health team think im ok at the moment. Ive just had a CAT scan for migraines, and my doc said it was only to make sure nothing was untoward, yet i let people believe indirectly that it could be really serious. Am i just a sicko?

Aaron

It sounds like you suffer from Munchausen Syndrome. Munchausen is a condition in which an individual feigns a sickness or condition in an effort to be hospitalized. Unlike drug seekers, the goal is the actual admission and the medical tests as opposed to obtaining medications, etc.

Here is some more information:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/muncha ... me/DS00965

I can relate to what you're saying and am struck by what you said about not having friends/family to talk to but instead are dependent on your psychologist and mental health worker. I wonder how these people differ from your friends/family? Like do you feel heard and validated when speaking to your psychologist.. maybe something you didn't receive when you were growing up?

I wish I had some answers or insight or anything really, but I too am struggling with the same questions as you. I personally don't feign physical illnesses but come up with the most ridiculous 'life experiences' that put me in constant crisis where people are then expected to rescue me. I don't know if I'm sick or messed up or both. Have you ever mentioned any of this to your psychologist? I told my mental health worker that I lie to people (although I've never actually lied to her or any health professional) and get very attached to people. It was really good to talk this through with her.

Anyway I hope things improve for you. Keep writing here if it helps because you really aren't alone.