Dysthymia and relationship problems

I'm a newly diagnosed dysthymic and the biggest issue I have had because of it is relationship problems with my fiancé. It hurts because I have ruined what was an amazing connection with him. Lucky for me, he loves me and now understands that my behavior is the result of a mental disorder. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I don't have a reply-i think I may have dysthymia, but I haven't (yet) had relationship problems on account of it, at least, not serious ones. But I did want to welcome you to the forums!

I am diagnosed as dysthymic. The disorder has caused problems in all parts of my life - family, school, work, and relationships. My lows also resulted in me harming myself at times which just made things worse. Its hard to really pick one as being the biggest problem area as it seems to affect everything, but since you brought up relationships I'll focus on that aspect of it. I will say that my bf doesn't understand what I go through and does not deal with it well. We broke up for about a year when I was off meds and struggling with my depression and self harm. During that time I saw my GP doc who realized I was not well and he helped me to get a new therapist and psych. Since then I've been trying different med combos and doing better, I finished school and am back together living with my bf.

What I learned from this was that my bf is not someone I can count on for support if I start slipping back into a deep low. He knows about my condition, and we can talk about it at a high level, but going deeper and talking about my feelings with him when I'm depressed drives him away. I know it will damage out relationship so I don't even try to talk about it anymore. Fortunately I have a friend IRL I can talk to and another in 2D and they have both been a great help to me and pushed me to do things to help myself. Right now that is all I need. I still wonder if I'm making a mistake moving forward in my relationship with my bf, however I tend to forget the bad parts when we're doing ok.

Take care and remember that you can and probably should look outside your relationship for additional support.
-S

Shattered Mind wrote:He knows about my condition, and we can talk about it at a high level, but going deeper and talking about my feelings with him when I'm depressed drives him away. I know it will damage out relationship so I don't even try to talk about it anymore.

To be honest, reading this made me very sad. I had a boyfriend like this a few years ago. As long as life was fun and games, he was sweet, caring and always around. But then I got depressed. After about two weeks he started withdrawing. He had zero understanding or interest in the facts that I wasn't doing this on purpose and I found it hard to even get out of the house. Eventually, he left me because my depression wouldn't go away, and he told me quite a few times prior to the breakup that my depression was affecting him negatively -- once he told me "see, now I have a headache and it's ALL YOUR FAULT".

What worries me about your situation -- obviously I hope this never happens, but what if you get really badly depressed for a year again? Will he stick around? Will you be able to keep your relationship on the superficial level and avoid discussing your mental state? You mentioned you broke up before when you were unwell for a year; is this a relationship worth pursuing further? What if you get married and then you get unwell for a year?

I know it's easy for me to say because I have a boyfriend who's seen me at my lowest lows and craziest highs, visited me in the mental ward every day during my two-week stay, and if anything he always encouraged me to talk about my depression because his ex would get depressed then refuse to talk about it altogether, which lead to their splitting up -- because my boyfriend just couldn't understand what's going on when his ex wouldn't speak about it. The two of us have now been together for over 3.5 years, and will be getting married in the spring next year. I still find it difficult not to think about myself as damaged goods, but he's amazing at taking those feelings away and replacing them with love and acceptance.

I'm sorry if I said anything hurtful or offensive, it wasn't my intention at all. I'm sending big hugs if wanted.

Ericadred wrote:I'm a newly diagnosed dysthymic and the biggest issue I have had because of it is relationship problems with my fiancé. It hurts because I have ruined what was an amazing connection with him. Lucky for me, he loves me and now understands that my behavior is the result of a mental disorder. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

See above. From your post I gather that things are better now. Are you doing better now? I hope he also accepts you when you're not doing all that well -- and that his understanding will not end the moment things become rocky. I hope all goes well for you both.

Hi Oliveira,

Oliveira wrote: He had zero understanding or interest in the facts that I wasn't doing this on purpose and I found it hard to even get out of the house. Eventually, he left me because my depression wouldn't go away, and he told me quite a few times prior to the breakup that my depression was affecting him negatively -- once he told me "see, now I have a headache and it's ALL YOUR FAULT".

I'm sorry your ex made your MI all about him and couldn't see what was happening to you. I also know that when they leave it just makes a bad situation even worse.

Oliveira wrote:I know it's easy for me to say because I have a boyfriend who's seen me at my lowest lows and craziest highs The two of us have now been together for over 3.5 years, and will be getting married in the spring next year. I still find it difficult not to think about myself as damaged goods, but he's amazing at taking those feelings away and replacing them with love and acceptance.

I'm happy you were able to find someone so understanding. You are both lucky very fortunate and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Oliveira wrote:What worries me about your situation -- obviously I hope this never happens, but what if you get really badly depressed for a year again? Will he stick around? Will you be able to keep your relationship on the superficial level and avoid discussing your mental state? You mentioned you broke up before when you were unwell for a year; is this a relationship worth pursuing further? What if you get married and then you get unwell for a year?

This is difficult to answer. Before we got back together we talked and I told him the probability of me having another depressive episode is almost guaranteed. He replied that while we were apart he had time to think about things and that he realizes and accepts that I could have another depressive episode. He said he wanted what we had back and that he wanted to be with me. I gave in to him because I wanted him back as well.

That was 5 months ago. Since then I finished college (YAY!) and moved into his place. So far things are going ok, but I'm stable at the moment and it could be years before I have another episode. I don't know how he will react when it does happen. I do like to think now that I'm a little older I have a better understanding of my MI, that I'll reach out for help sooner if I need it, and will be able to control it better.

So I guess the long answer is I don't know if he would leave. I tell myself that we are both more knowledgeable about my MI now and that we will work through it together, but until I have an episode I don't really know.

And as for being able to really talk to my bf about my MH - that is probably not ever happening. It would be nice if I could, but if I can't I don't think its a deal breaker either.

-S

Big hugs. I hope for the best for both of you. And congratulations on finishing the college and moving in together I sincerely hope all will work.

Hello. I am 54, and have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. My husband and I have been married for 24 years now. We still love each other very much, but it has not been easy. He has never experienced these things, and can't possibly understand. It has been hard for him to understand why I couldn't just do something differently or think differently, and snap out of it. He is also someone who would never dream of going for help with an emotional issue. He has not been willing to participate in any counseling of any sort with me. Some of these things really hurt. At this point he does realize that apparently I can't just snap out of it, and that I probably do need the medication, but it has not been easy for him. He considers himself to be very healthy emotionally, and in a lot of ways he is, but he does have some issues form his own childhood that are difficult for me to live with. I am always the one who ends up feeling bad and guilty over anything we disagree about, since I am the one with the low self-esteem.

I wish you luck in your relationship and your marriage.

I am going on 40 and was diagnosed with Dysthymia back in 2002. Not sure if relevant but I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 2nd grade and prescribed Ritalin for about a year or so. With all that out of the way, I've actually been thinking about writing about relationship problems I've experienced that seem to be an ongoing pattern of depression as far back as I can remember. To some perhaps it's just a series of bad luck, or bad choices, and it may just be. Yet I cannot dismiss the possibility that things I experience or have experienced throughout my life be they relationships or anything for that matter were tainted by this disorder.

To put into simple terms: Hopeless Romantic. The type of lover that feels as if they will never attain that perfect love or relationship dreamed about, no matter how much they may or may not get out of someone else. It's related I think to Dysthymia, because as a sufferer I feel as if many things in my life are not in my control, and I have always had this underlying feeling of unhappiness. That feeling that I sacrifice, try to go with the flow, because what I truly want or need will never be fulfilled. Up to this point in my life I have had over 24 different girlfriends in my life. Yes many of which were just silly 6th grade to high school encounters, but you cannot easily dismiss those learning experiences just because of capricious youth. Whether they ended things or I did, I was usually bored of the relationship eventually. I would find that they didn't give me the love I needed or the attention, or whatever novelty attracted them to me in the first place just simply got old. However as a card carrying member of dysthymia, a strong need to be loved and appreciated, or just a temporary boost to my self esteem kept me playing the relationship game for fear of being truly alone.

Alone.. The most hated feeling of all. Some of the mean and or crappy things that another person could do to you in a relationship are often overlooked when you feel as if you just don't want to be alone again. It may not be as severe as staying with an abusive partner , or as simple as being annoyed to a possible breakup over whom doesn't replace the empty toilet paper. That's left determined by what YOU are willing to allow to continue as an individual. I spent at least 4 years at one time being without a girlfriend or any friend really, and I don't wish to ever repeat those years.

I was also tempered to loss by the United States Army. My dad was in 22 years, I was born into the lifestyle up until I was in my junior year of high school. For those who don't know, this lead to a life of moving around from state to state, changing schools, changing friends, changing trends, sometimes personalities to some extent, fitting in with different crowds just to have a social life. The countless times you built up a great relationship with someone, whether it was love or just simply a best friend to hang out with, and then watching them move away or them watching you.. it happens so many times that you just get used to it. And it's the same way with Dysthymia, these symptoms of depression to whatever degree go on so long that we just get used to them, as a way of life. They try and tell us that we can break free and that this isn't how healthy people live.. but deep down we look the other way or blow them off with a nod and smile because we know what we feel, and loneliness, negativity, unfulfilled needs and wants, they are part of our lives and expected outcomes.

Cheating. Cheating is also something I've done a few times in my life and it's really easy to do when your mindset is that you're never really happy. You feel as if "What's the point? I'm going to be unhappy anyway I might as well do something fun for a change".. at least until you get caught. When you are in a relationship with someone you feel is supposed to nourish your needs and wants and they don't try anymore, it's all too easy to look somewhere else for fulfillment. I suppose I can't say that all of us with Dysthymia are cheaters, power to you if you have that loyalty trait. You may not be as lost as some of us are.

I am on wife #2. Wife #1 was a long term relationship that shouldn't have been long term, it brings me back to putting up with crap you would rather not just for the sake of loneliness. Wife #2 in the beginning was that breath of fresh air I so desperately needed, and the first few years brought much love and happiness to my life that I never had before. There were the usual ups and downs after that, even an epic emotional breakup that lasted about 30 minutes before we were reunited with wild passionate intimacy proving that we really were meant to be together.. Those are things that we hopeless romantics dream about. Unfortunately, that was about it. Eventually getting married and succumbing to the mundane life of bills chores and once in a while sex just faded us into boring. Add that to a little snooping on my part into my wife's texts and emails because I got to a point where I couldn't trust her to tell me the truth anymore, not to mention some apathy on her part towards me for not being whatever she thought I was supposed to become after we got married I dunno, I ended up cheating on her and getting caught 2 weeks into my extra marital adventures.

After that I ended up going to counseling again. Finally realizing that I am losing this battle of the mind. I saw a different doctor (I was seeing one during marriage #1 for a couple months before I just stopped going). Got lined up with Prozac, which took away the low lows, and with therapy began to reduce the negativity and rebuild some much needed self esteem. But my feelings about the strength of my relationship are still doubtful, most of the time I feel as if my wife looks down on me or can't stand me. We make it work on a basic boring level while we raise our 4 year old daughter whom we both love more than anything. But I know and feel on a day to day basis that I was meant to feel more than this. that I deserve more than basic and boring. I flirt with girls I work with, with friends I have made, and although I've never cheated again I still wonder if I might someday.

Me and my wife talked about marriage counseling, but we never did it. She is one of the norms that doesn't understand depression so going to a therapist doesn't rank high on her agenda. And I got to the point where I don't see going is really going to do much for us. She doesn't try, and I have stopped trying. I quit going to therapy because I feel it wasn't helping me anymore, but I continue with meds. I work, I sleep, I play video games, I eat more than I should, and I daydream about a love life with other women.

Thanks Dysthymia.

DarkPuppy, thank you so much for sharing, I could relate to a lot of what you wrote about relationships and life--the underlying feeling of unhappiness, the fading of the initial attraction, settling into a mundane life, needing to feel loved and appreciated, looking for fulfillment, etc.

For me, I think my dysthymia cheats me out of experiencing highs. I feel like depression takes people to the lowest of the low points, but with dysthymia, there's this very low ceiling that kinda just keeps you from experiencing highs. A new relationship, though, has always been a high for me. Unlike you, I haven't had very many relationships, but the few I had were bliss, and I would do almost anything to have that again. I too feel that life is relatively boring and that there should be more to it, that there should be highs. For a long time I abused alcohol for the excitement it brought to my life. Obviously though, I had to always deal with the lows it brought as well. I am glad to have stopped abusing, but I certainly do miss the fun times.

I'm sure if I had more opportunities for relationships, I probably would have been through as many as you. Even now, I definitely look to a potential new relationship as a release, something to get me out of the duldrums, the everyday boredom. If I realistically look at my life, I know that it should FEEL fulfilling--I have a good social circle, many acquaintances, and a few really close friends that I know i can count on, I have a number of hobbies that are interesting and keep me busy and I like doing, I have a great job that pays the bills and affords me a comfortable life--yet I can't help wondering at least a couple times a week, "Is this all there is? Going to work, getting paid, seeing some friends, playing some sports, having some laughs?"

Also, I'm open to open relationships, and I think I've only recently realized that probably one of the things that attracts me to the idea is the highs from constant new relationships.

It is nice to feel something, and keeping it consistent (relationships) is something that goes well with the nature of the disorder. When you are looking back at the past, and too far into the future, just remember that your are smarter today than you were yesterday. Unless you're a heavy drinker.