Klonopin and Ativan

I know this topic has probably come up many times prior to my joining this forum. I just have to get this off my chest because I can't say these words out loud. I am so terribly addicted to these drugs. I "doctor shop" for MDs who prescribe them, I take my Rx to different pharmacies around the county, I pay out of pocket for all my Rxs so my insurance can't track how much I go through. The craziest thing is that I've been doing them for so long and taking so many every day, they don't even help my anxiety. At least not very much. The only relief I get is when I walk out of a pharmacy with two full bottles of benzos that last me maybe a week. I don't know what to do because I'm terrified of having to give up my crutch.
A little background info, I was first prescribed Xanax ten years ago (I was a very young new mom and struggling with post partum issues). Eventually, after maybe 4 years, they took me off the Xanax. Ever since I've been finding MDs who will prescribe any benzo and have ended up taking klonopin and Ativan ever since. I'm not saying that I'm not responsible for my actions and decisions. BUT who gives a young girl a generous supply of Xanax and thinks they won't become addicted? I didn't ask for benzos. I didn't even know what they were. Now ten years later I'm stuck in this cycle of binge and withdrawal.

Ok, rant over. It felt good to admit this, even anonmymously.

I have had issues with drugs too. For me, it was Ativan and Ambien. I was limited by access due to insurance. After one too many overdoses they refused to give them to me anymore and I had to quit cold turkey. I hope you can find a way out of this maze. Otherwise, you may find yourself doing something even worst to support your habit.

If you ever need to talk I'm here.

Amanda