So, I haven't posted on my account in a long time. I have always tended to post in the HPD forum, as I feel I relate to that constellation of traits very much. Also I think I relate to the haltlose type personality disorder, where you're kind of impulsively aimless and indifferent to others. I have not been officially diagnosed with either, as I am only 20 and apparently that's early to diagnose a personality disorder.
Anyway, I hate to sound like a cliche, but ever since I started smoking a lot of pot over the summer, I have ventured into different and perhaps harder drugs (I've done MDMA, LSD, Psychedelic amphetamine, and as of today, cocaine). I take prescription Adderall once a day as much as I can. I say as much as I can because I sell the Adderall for money or drugs. It's irresponsible, I know. I just don't feel bad about it.
I have a job hosting events at a local nightclub, but it doesn't pay a whole lot and it doesn't pay consistently. I make ends meet by stealing alcohol and selling it to my friends and also occasionally "entertaining" older men. I am a male myself, also. I don't want to put myself at risk, and I don't really care about sex, so I don't let them have sex with me. I just get them off, grab their money and go with the empty promise of "I'll call you".
Well today I was entertaining one such man, and I think he could tell I wasn't having fun because he went out of the room and came back with cocaine that his "coke head" friend had left. Because I like being in a non-sober state of mind, I accepted it. I'm still high right now as I write this. It's nice feeling but it also feels like an endless warning.
I'm really scared of being a drug addict, but I'm scared of how boring life is when I'm sober and how lonely I am. Also, as naive as this sounds, I remember episodes of Degrassi where a character develops a coke problem after trying it once. I don't even know where to buy it! And I don't want to know! Is it likely that I have a problem now? I feel like I have an addictive personality.
I just don't understand how anyone can be happy in life sober. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a legitimate failure. I want to get help for this but I know I don't have an "addiction", so my complaints will be trivialized or people will tell me to "just stop, because I can". I know I can, but I'm scared of reality! I don't want to be in one state of mind for the rest of my life. I feel like inebriation is all I've ever wanted.
Sorry, this is all kind of without direction. I'm just venting. Can someone give me thoughts or advice?