Hi there, I'm new to this forum, and very glad to have found it.
I'm a 28 year old female. I have been in a relationship with my fiance for about 2 years now. A little over a year ago, shortly after we got engaged (dated for a year first - but we were old friends from high school), my fiance and I got into an argument (I can hardly remember what it was about now, it was nothing big). Anyways, the argument got out of control and I ended up telling him I wanted to break up (this was an overreaction on my part, I wasn't serious, just mad). When I told him that I wanted to call things off, he freaked out, started crying etc., and then said "if I can't have you, I'll kill you and then myself". Then he grabbed me by the neck and choke slammed me into my closet door (by the way, the next day, I ended up having to pry my closet door open with a crowbar, that's how hard it was) he let go and I fell to the floor trying to breathe (I only have one lung from a prior surgery, so it was hard). Instead of realizing what he did was horribly wrong, he yelled at me for crying and said that I was only pretending to be hurt. I begged him to leave my house, and as he did so he screamed every negative thing he could possibly think of saying to me, ex. whore, bad mom, useless, etc. As soon as I could grab my phone I called 911 and my best friend because 911 takes FOREVER to come out. He left saying that he was just going to kill himself. I locked myself in my house until my best (male) friend arrived. He continued to text me and bang on my front door and window like a maniac. Eventually he broke my front window and got in, my best friend held my bedroom door shut so he couldn't get in. The police finally arrived and all they did was make him leave my house and promise to pay for the window. My fiance even tried to turn things around on ME! When I was talking to the police I told them "he said he was going to kill himself, then me", he got all cocky because I made a mistake (sorry I WAS a bit flustered!!) and told the police, see, she doesn't even know what she's talking about.
The only time I ever had an abusive experience myself was with my first husband, he slammed my face into the shower faucet while I was bathing. I kicked him out immediately and that was that! I'm not the kind of person to put up with being treated badly or abused.
However, my current fiance and I got back together. I really do love him, everything was perfect before this. We never had ANY problems before this (minor tiffs of course), and haven't had any MAJOR problems since. He knows what he did was absolutely wretched. It took MONTHS for our relationship to get normal again, ex. I wouldn't sit near him on the sofa, no sex, I barely talked to him, etc. But eventually things got back to normal, and are actually going fairly well. We are now living together, he tries to provide for me and make me happy in every possible way, he is a 100% perfect step dad for my son. He is virtually perfect aside from that one incident.
However, I fear that I may have made the wrong decision and should have broken up with him right then and there. It's something I STILL can't get out of my head, and disturbs me often. How could you hurt someone you claim to love more than anything in the universe? His actions show that everything he does is for me and my son... but I can't seem to get over it. What hurts even worse is that before all this happened, he told me he's never ever put his hand on a lady and that the thought of it sickened him, heck, he wont even be cruel to an animal. *I'm* the one he chose to marry, but he respected everyone else enough to keep his hands off of them? He's even fought other men for seeing them putting their hands on a woman. So why me? Like I said, it never happened again... but I know I don't respect him as much as I did before, nor do I think things could ever be as perfect as they were before this incident. Like I said, it's been a year, he's treated me like the queen he always had before the incident, and is a wonderful step dad for my son.
I just don't understand, one for why didn't I just call things off right then and there? Two, Why me? Three, is there no hope for me ever getting past this? We have no wedding date set due to financial issues... but to be honest, I am a little scared to get married to someone that is obviously capable of this behavior.
Also, ever since this incident I do everything in my power to make him feel useless and degrade him, and he deals with it because he feels bad for what he did and knows that anything I dish out he will always have to take for what he did to me. I KNOW this is wrong on my part... but I can't help it... any tips?
PLEASE PLEASE HELP!