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One time abuse, questions?

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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One time abuse, questions?

Postby anjelita13 » Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:58 pm

Hi there, I'm new to this forum, and very glad to have found it.

I'm a 28 year old female. I have been in a relationship with my fiance for about 2 years now. A little over a year ago, shortly after we got engaged (dated for a year first - but we were old friends from high school), my fiance and I got into an argument (I can hardly remember what it was about now, it was nothing big). Anyways, the argument got out of control and I ended up telling him I wanted to break up (this was an overreaction on my part, I wasn't serious, just mad). When I told him that I wanted to call things off, he freaked out, started crying etc., and then said "if I can't have you, I'll kill you and then myself". Then he grabbed me by the neck and choke slammed me into my closet door (by the way, the next day, I ended up having to pry my closet door open with a crowbar, that's how hard it was) he let go and I fell to the floor trying to breathe (I only have one lung from a prior surgery, so it was hard). Instead of realizing what he did was horribly wrong, he yelled at me for crying and said that I was only pretending to be hurt. I begged him to leave my house, and as he did so he screamed every negative thing he could possibly think of saying to me, ex. whore, bad mom, useless, etc. As soon as I could grab my phone I called 911 and my best friend because 911 takes FOREVER to come out. He left saying that he was just going to kill himself. I locked myself in my house until my best (male) friend arrived. He continued to text me and bang on my front door and window like a maniac. Eventually he broke my front window and got in, my best friend held my bedroom door shut so he couldn't get in. The police finally arrived and all they did was make him leave my house and promise to pay for the window. My fiance even tried to turn things around on ME! When I was talking to the police I told them "he said he was going to kill himself, then me", he got all cocky because I made a mistake (sorry I WAS a bit flustered!!) and told the police, see, she doesn't even know what she's talking about.

The only time I ever had an abusive experience myself was with my first husband, he slammed my face into the shower faucet while I was bathing. I kicked him out immediately and that was that! I'm not the kind of person to put up with being treated badly or abused.

However, my current fiance and I got back together. I really do love him, everything was perfect before this. We never had ANY problems before this (minor tiffs of course), and haven't had any MAJOR problems since. He knows what he did was absolutely wretched. It took MONTHS for our relationship to get normal again, ex. I wouldn't sit near him on the sofa, no sex, I barely talked to him, etc. But eventually things got back to normal, and are actually going fairly well. We are now living together, he tries to provide for me and make me happy in every possible way, he is a 100% perfect step dad for my son. He is virtually perfect aside from that one incident.

However, I fear that I may have made the wrong decision and should have broken up with him right then and there. It's something I STILL can't get out of my head, and disturbs me often. How could you hurt someone you claim to love more than anything in the universe? His actions show that everything he does is for me and my son... but I can't seem to get over it. What hurts even worse is that before all this happened, he told me he's never ever put his hand on a lady and that the thought of it sickened him, heck, he wont even be cruel to an animal. *I'm* the one he chose to marry, but he respected everyone else enough to keep his hands off of them? He's even fought other men for seeing them putting their hands on a woman. So why me? Like I said, it never happened again... but I know I don't respect him as much as I did before, nor do I think things could ever be as perfect as they were before this incident. Like I said, it's been a year, he's treated me like the queen he always had before the incident, and is a wonderful step dad for my son.

I just don't understand, one for why didn't I just call things off right then and there? Two, Why me? Three, is there no hope for me ever getting past this? We have no wedding date set due to financial issues... but to be honest, I am a little scared to get married to someone that is obviously capable of this behavior.

Also, ever since this incident I do everything in my power to make him feel useless and degrade him, and he deals with it because he feels bad for what he did and knows that anything I dish out he will always have to take for what he did to me. I KNOW this is wrong on my part... but I can't help it... any tips?

PLEASE PLEASE HELP!
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby jasmin » Thu Jan 28, 2010 5:49 pm

Anjelita, has he gotten therapy since this happened? Many victims of abuse say that at first it only happened from time to time (even just once a year) and then it got worse and worse.
Maybe you staid with him because you love him and you feel the need to have some control over the situation.
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby whitman24 » Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:50 pm

I only have one thing to say about this. Before you get married everyone is on their best behaivior. After you get married is when the problems start. If this guy is capable of this before you get married, think about after the marriage. In my experience they are perfect beforehand and usually you dont get to see that other side of them at all but i would guess that if you see it beforehand get used to it because in my opinion this will be a cycle that happens after you are married. That is just my opinion though. I have read a few books and in some of them this behaivior is explained in this way. Men are wired to win. They work for something and remain fixated upon that thing until they earn it/win it. Once they have won it they stop trying to win it. In other words, if he takes you out, wines and dines you while you are dating and you like this, consider that he is trying to win you over. Once he wins you he may not do any of these things because he is now fixated upon some other thing he wants. Also, women seem to be the natural dumping ground for men. When they are depressed or stressed my experience is that they find a way to let it all out on YOU. If he is capable of that degree of violence he is dangerous in my book. If you dont want to let go of him just yet even though you are scared maybe you should put off the wedding indefinately. Being married complicates an already complicated situation. It takes money to get married but it takes even more for a divorce. And he can hurt you financially after you are married because everything you own he owns too. He can legally take your car from you and there is nothing you can do about it. I guess thats more than one thing. Maybe i am wrong too. Just something to think about.
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby Tristania » Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:56 am

First of all it is not your fault that either of them abused you. So the why me? Domestic violence is very prevalent. Many men and some women do it as a form of control and many other reasons that I can not comprehend. It sounds as if he was trying to control and manipulate you to do things his way. I doubt you will get past this. You can not trust him. Most likely you are treating him bad because you feel guilt. You depend on him financially to some degree, he is good to your son, he treats you good and so on. But you are afraid it will happen again so you treat him bad so hopefully he will leave because you see the good in him and can not make him leave. Just my opinion, it may not be yours. But you do truly need to search your feelings and know what you want in your life.

Whitman, all guys are not the same. Every individual is unique, male or female. I have been married 14 years. My resolve has not changed in that time. It is to show my wife in every way possible what a wonderful person she is. I do not disagree with you that I have seen many guys like you describe. There are also many women out there with a lot of negative attributes. The wonderful thing is there is always a chance to find a significant other that completes you. Life is not a fairy tale that is always happily ever after. However with the right match true happiness can be found for both. I will admit most guys are conquerors which is a little bit more aggressive than to simply have the need to win. But some wish to be happy for the rest of their lives so they continue to grow after marriage. It is much more beneficial to have a wife who feels complete in every way, than to simply win. For me winning was to be with the wonderful girl I was lucky enough to marry, for the rest of my life. I am still living so I have not yet won. My intent is to make each day better than the last for her. So we both win. :) What we have won is happiness. Neither of us has conquered the other. It has been quite the opposite.

Good day and good luck,
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby flowergirl4u » Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:41 pm

angelita,

this happened to a man I know once. he got drunk and said some very nasty things to his girlfriend (she was no angel either). Anyway, when he got sober, he apologized again and again. Well, she finally took him back BUT for the rest of their relationship, she kept pushing and pushing. She kept dishing it out to him and she knew he had to take it (all because of one blow up on his part, and in truth she sort of escalated that a little).

When they had a disagreement, she had to be right. Why? Because of that one time he blew up at her.

It totally changed her and him, plus their relationship.

In the end, he broke up with her because he felt she was the one abusing him. He later told me that it was that one event that changed her forever, and that he never saw the old her again. So, he left her and found someone else. She really loved him, but she couldn't let it go. She said she forgave him, but forgiveness does not keep repeating past mistakes and reminding people of them.

She used his mistake as leverage to control him (not saying you are doing this but she did for sure), but she truly did love him. He loved her too. Yet, in the end if she couldn't let go, then he could do better.

I post this because your story hit home. He did only do it once too. Yet, she did it again and again because of what he did once (if this makes sense).
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby psychopomp » Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:36 pm

1. don't marry him
2. he's not the ONLY man in the world! There might be a better fit out there for you.
3. If you really feel like you want that relationship to continue, then see a family therapist. If he refuses, dump him.
"I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."- V for Vendetta
~Obedient to Christ Alone~
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Re: One time abuse, questions?

Postby Onebravegirl » Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:28 pm

Hi there.
I think this link will be very helpful to you. There is a free online test that will ask detailed questions about your relationship and his behavior. This test is the most accurate one of its kind in predicting violent behavior. Take the test in private. At the end of the test it will give you a percentage score of the likely hood of him escalating to more violence.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Let us know what you think, we are here for you. Take special care,
One
Two men looked through bars. One saw Mud, the other saw Stars.
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