Our partner

Why is my mother so abusive towards me ?

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

Moderator: scepticalblahblah

Why is my mother so abusive towards me ?

Postby Danity » Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:26 pm

I am an adult 22 years old but right now I have no where else to go. soon I will be starting nursing school so I am trying to tough this out until i graduate.

my mother has been critical, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive towards me since I was around 11/12 years old. i remember in high school I hated when my mother had to take me to school. she literally would curse me out from the moment we backed out the driveway until she dropped me off at the school's front door. She'd criticize my room, my appearance, my clothes EVEYTHING, it's like she wouldn't stop. and then she would hit me. by the time i got to school i would be in tears because of all the verbal and physical abuse. she NEVER EVER cared or seemed to have remorse at all. if i were to mention this to her, she would get defensive deny it and accuse me of being sensitive and that whatever she said she was doing it for the best. to no surprise i was very, very depressed as a teen, a very sad young girl and even had suicidal thoughts.

Recently, there was an incident where out of nowhere my mother comes into my room and acuses me of not being normal. Some weekends when I don't work or have much to do, I like to relax in my robe and watch television. I don't always feel like going out. Well, she says that I am not normal, that most people would sit on the porch or the backporch instead of being in their room all day watching television.

Then she told me that I look like a slob in my robe and that if I wear it again she will rip it off of me and throw it away. She went to get a mirror and forced me to look at myself saying I look terrible. After that she preceeded to snatch the scarf off of my head that I protect hair with at night. She started hitting me and pulling it off. When I defended myself it got worse and she called me a 'b1tch' and that if I dare hit her back she'll knock me out and throw me out the house.

She is controlling of my life, she acts as if she is the one that is living it. Even in college, if I talk to her about something she will try to call the professor and discuss my grades with them. This is NOT her life I am too old for this. What 22 year old has their mom cal the professor about a reseach project or paper? She goes things like this in every aspect of my life.

She talks about the clothes that I wear, saying I am too old to be dressing like a teenager (tshirt and jeans). She tells me that I am not that young and I am pushing 30. she makes me feel so miserable. I cannot enjoy the moment, she is always reminding me that I am getting old. I never feel young at all.

What is it? Is it jealousy or what?? I don't understand why she is like this...why she is so physically and emotionally abusive. She tells me that I am the one that is not normal when really it's her. Whenever she gets into one of these modes where she feels like picking on me, if I respond to her it will make the situation worse. She gets illogical, emotional and abusive--telling me to shut up and listen. But if I don't speak that drives her crazy too


If I don't do something the way she wants me to do it, like clean a window the way she intructed, she'll say that I don't know how to follow directions and that means I will never be a nurse. If I forget something, no matter how trite, she'll account that to my inability to be a nurse saying that I will probably end up getting my license taken away from me for giving the wrong amount of medication to a patient, or I might end up in jail because I am careless.

just when I am trying to grow into myself and accept me fo rthe person I am, it's like she knows when to destroy my spirit. seriously, she makes me miserable now/ how do i cople??
Danity
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:37 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Postby Amaker485 » Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:02 am

"Whenever she gets into one of these modes where she feels like picking on me, if I respond to her it will make the situation worse. She gets illogical, emotional and abusive--telling me to shut up and listen. But if I don't speak that drives her crazy too "

Great question!!!.... I have no answer. I was in a similar situation with my step-mother. She never got physical, although on several occasions she raised her hand but knew if there was a mark she would never see me again as my mom and dad would have done something. As far as the verbal abuse goes, Ive heard all the same $#%^. I think it's them projecting their feeling about themselves onto their children. MY stepmother never had a child of her own so was constantly trying to beat out my mother... but ultimately hurting me.

I felt the same way about responding to her... its a lose lose situation = if you respond, you're wrong. if you don't respond, you're even more wrong!!!

You are doing what I did, wait it out until you can get away. I waited for college. My dad and stepmom eventually split, a year after I left the house- i think she was only staying for me and my brother, in retrospect. Doesnt make sense to me since she treated me with such disrespect most of my life. My dad and her didnt speak for most of my high school

I often kick myself for keeping quiet. I dont talk to her anymore. I kept minimal contact with her after college- seeing her only in big groups, mostly her family events, only because she has been my stepmom since i was 3.. im now 23. I wish she could have known how horrible she made my childhood. I have journals to prove it! But what good is confronting her now? I have moved on and just find it vindictive or something to contact her and tell her how terrible of a job she did raising me and how I hated her my whole life.
She sent me a few emails sophmore year of college, as i didnt answer her calls, asking for an explaination... I said well, when dad was too drunk to drive me to a friends at 3 in the afternoon, when I told you- did you drive me or say wake your damn father up and make him drive you... 20 mins later i was in the car with my dad, drunk as a doornail, driving me a few miles, thank god it was close, to my friend's. I mentioned a few incidents that rang in my memory of how she verbally abused me and humilated me infront of her and my family.... Her family wrote it off.-- it was a family trait to be angry.

My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers...

I'm sure you will make a great nurse and good luck in the future!
"A happy childhood is poor preparation for life."
-Kinky Friedman
User avatar
Amaker485
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 117
Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:35 am
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 11:47 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby shivers » Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:27 am

Oh my goodness. Your mother is a disaster. I feel so sorry for you. Are there no siblings, or what about your father? I'm sure if you knew of an escape you'd have mentioned it.

The bottom line is this - your mother is toxic to you. You are not at fault here, your mother is an uncaring and abusive individual who has unresolved issues in her own life. I have no idea what propels a woman to take their own personal anger out on their emerging daughter in such a way. In some respects my mother did the same thing as well. Constantly disparaging, never encouraging, and always about her and Dad.

What I did was move away at the first opportunity, which was when I was 17. Eventually, I moved overseas too and in my 20's and early 30's would go for months without speaking with them, due to the constant put-downs and critical remarks. Nothing I ever did was right, and there was always some reason why I shouldn't attempt to achieve something, whether it be personal or in my working life.

What I did was start to read some self-help emotional growth books and give myself enough courage to leave. Once I had left, my life opened up like a flower blossom. It was the best thing I could ever have done. Minimal contact back with my mother was good too.

You are going to be a great Nurse, don't let your mother take that away from you. Your mother needs help, she may or may not get it, but in the meantime, she's a big problem in your life. I think you need to nurture yourself, as you won't get it from her, and see if you can find some independent way of living. If you can gain an optimistic outlook (despite your current adversity) with lots of personal growth positives in it, then do so.

I'm now 46 and my relationship with my mother and father is good. But I've learned to put boundaries around myself, and every so often say each 6 months or so, I have to be a really little bit hard on them and stand up for my rights and there's a few topics at present that I outright refuse to talk to them about, because we don't agree, and I've found that if I don't agree with them, then that tends to be a bad thing, as out come the insults, the put-downs, the disaparaging etc., They have no respect for other people when they say 'no' or have a differing opinion on something. So that means I have to force the issue of 'respect it or say nothing.'

But good luck with everything, I think you'll do well. Your post is focussed on your mother's behaviour, rather than showing a lot of loss of your own personal self-esteem, but the sooner you can get out from the toxicity that is your mother, the better.
shivers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2524
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:13 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby freespirit76 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:33 am

I don't know why your mother is this way. Try googling "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and see if she has those traits.

If you can find another place to go, please do as soon as possible. This situation is unhealthy for you. In the meantime, you can cope by getting on antidepressants or anxiety meds, going to therapy, and staying busy. Find places to go when you are not working so you will not be at the house with her. When she starts on you, jump in your car (if you have one) and leave. Don't come back until dark. You can cope while you're there, but the best way to deal with it is to move out and then keep contact to a minimum after that.

Good luck, I have mother issues too.

BTW... you are still VERY young!
Celebrate your freedom: Lose the loser and reclaim your life @ http://www.celebrateyourfreedom.com
freespirit76
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:10 am
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby steven0822 » Fri Jan 23, 2009 6:09 am

i just created an account after reading this post so im very new to this.

i just had to say that i am currently in the same situation, and its horrible. im 19 and currently living at home. i went to college for a year after high school and was staying with some friends. it was so much fun! and i finally had a chance to get away from "her". aka crazy woman. although i was having a great time. i couldnt stay away.

i have two younger siblings, a sister who just turned 10, and a brother who is 14. i had to come back for them. being away, i had a chance to reflect and i realized that the reason i was so depressed my whole childhood was because of my mother. she was just a mean person. the sad part is, is that i remember telling people how mean she was to me and my brother and they could not believe it, because the mary they knew was a supportive, loving mother. because that was how she acted when others were around. so i ended up convincing myself that it was just me and that she really was a loving parent.

just thinking about it now sickens me....

sorry for this total space out but she just came into my room and started saying exactly what the original post said about not being a normal person... and i just laughed.

the reason i cant "just leave" like everyone says and everyone has been telling me is because i dont want my brother and sister to go through the same thing i did. especially now because my parents are going through a separation, meaning they will be here all the time with only my mom. i almost feel as its my responsibility. does that sound stupid.

i tried talking to her about how i felt, and about how badly she hurt me as a child, not physically, but mentally. she doesnt get how that hurts a child, she told me well "thats just life. normal people dont let things like that get to them" ???? what is that supposed to mean.

oyy. i dont know what im going to do. does anyone have some suggestions?
steven0822
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:39 am
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby pinkflamingo » Mon Jan 26, 2009 1:59 am

My mom is exactly as you described. She is so focused on appearances and what is "normal" and is hyper-critical.

Just recently I realized that she is HPD. When you read about HPD, a lot of it is is described as, people who are sexually provocative (or dress that way). That is not my mom as she was raised Catholic and feels superior about that, too. But then I found the book "Emotional Vampires" and read the part about the "Passive-Aggressive HPD". That was it. That was my mom to a T. Maybe it's your mom, too (although she sounds more aggressive-aggressive, than passive-aggressive!).

Bottom line is she is a toxic person (SEVERELY mentally ill). If I were you, I would get away as soon as possible. If it's only until you finish nursing school and then you can have nothing to do with her, then suffer through and don't take what she does and says personally.

But get away from her ASAP. I wish I had realized earlier in my life just how crazy she was/is. Don't waste your time trying to please her or understand her. She'll never understand you and that's what matters.

In life, realize that the most important thing is to surround yourself with like-minded, caring people. If you come across toxic people (even if they're your mom or other family members), run away from them as fast as you can. There's no being happy around that kind of energy.

Steven, maybe you can get your younger siblings into counseling somehow, especially with the parents' separation (you could that as the excuse). I understand your dilemma, though. It would be hard to leave.
pinkflamingo
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:54 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby sonovlaurin » Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:00 pm

Truly your Mother is a disaster.
Jealousy? Maybe. Is there a male in the same house? So you all live together?
Don't accept favors or money from her...:)
sonovlaurin
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 279
Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:41 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby pinkflamingo » Tue Jan 27, 2009 2:13 am

Jealousy? Yes. In my case, my mom was jealous of her daughters....it was a huge part of our upbringing, actually...mom's put-downs, because of her own feelings of inferiority. I think it's common for HPD moms (and probably NPD, too) to be jealous of their daughters.

sonovlaurin wrote:Truly your Mother is a disaster.
Jealousy? Maybe. Is there a male in the same house? So you all live together?
Don't accept favors or money from her...:)
pinkflamingo
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:54 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Why is my mother so abusive towards me ?

Postby golfnutz2020 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:32 pm

I am so sorry that you are having this life experience. It is not easy. I have the same type of mom and even though I've been a therapist for over 20 years, I just recently realized that I had to let her go. The rule of "honor your parents" is so deeply indoctrinated into us, that it is hard to recognize our mom's behaviors as abusive and bullying, but it is just that.

Her behavior has not one thing to do with you and says everything about her. At some point in her life, your mother decided that she was not going to be the "victim", which left her only with one role in her life as the perpetrator. I don't know the circumstances of your mother's family of origin, but in my mother's case, she grew up watching my grandfather beat my grandmother. She learned that "women are weak" and she decided that she would never be weak. As a result, she dropped all that rage on me and I was one very unhappy kid throughout my life. My poor dad had a rage issue which was directly connected to my mother's manipulations. When my dad died in 2006, both she and my brother went after me like starving dogs on a bone. Yikes!

To see more about character disorder people like your mom, read "In Sheep's Clothing" by Dr. George Simon. It will help you understand what is happening with your mom and release you from the responsibility of trying to meet her expectations. She seeks power and control through manipulation at the cost of destroying anyone around her.

Next step, get out as soon as you possibly can. She will not change and you cannot live under these abusive circumstances, any more than you can live with a abusive partner. The only help for this relationship is distance.

Finally, and as soon as possible, get counseling. Surely, your school has a counseling center or there is a private practitioner who takes a sliding fee scale. Your self-esteem has taken a battering and it is necessary to learn to change the negative thoughts and feelings that you have had since being a small, unprotected child. Learn to be very kind to yourself now and relearn compassion for yourself and those you will deal with in your future vocation. You will be a great nurse, but only if you learn to love yourself and feel centered.

Take care.
golfnutz2020
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:07 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Why is my mother so abusive towards me ?

Postby Reluctant Shaman » Sun Jul 22, 2012 7:52 pm

Your mother sounds like a "narcissist". You really would be well advised to Google NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR and see if it relates in any way to your mothers behavior.
Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviour that is prevalent in the human condition universally. What this means is that we are all narcissistic to a degree, and the narcissistic traits can range on a continuum from 1 – 10, from what we call Healthy Narcissism (being a 1), all the way to a pathological form, called Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD (being a 10), with varying degrees in between. When narcissism reaches a stage called “Malignant Narcissism” the person consistently manifests at least 5 of the 9 criteria necessary to put it into the category of being a mental disorder.

To the casual observer, telling the difference between a normal range narcissistic personality and a narcissistically disordered personality may not be very evident to begin with, because the difference is the difference between the individuals “intentions”. The healthy narcissistic personality operates from a place of good will towards another person, while the unhealthy malignant disordered personality operates from a place of ill will towards another person, which naturally enough puts a chasm between them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Criteria:

He or she has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates accomplishments and demands to be considered superior without real evidence of achievement).
He or she lives in a dream world of exceptional success, power, beauty, genius, or “perfect” love.
He or she thinks of him- or herself as “special” or privileged, and that he or she can only be understood by other special or high-status people.
He or she demands excessive amounts of praise or admiration from others.
He or she feels entitled to automatic deference, compliance, or favorable treatment from others.
He or she is exploitative towards others and takes advantage of them.
He or she lacks empathy and does not recognize or identify with others’ feelings.
He or she is frequently envious of others or thinks that they are envious of him or her.
He or she “has an attitude” or frequently acts in haughty or arrogant ways.

It is important for you to know that a person does not need to have full blown NPD in order to harm those nearest to them. Your mother may not be full blown, but you would be advised to learn about "narcissistic traits" so that you can rule that out if it does not apply to your situation. I suspect you will identify a lot of the traits to your Mum.......... if so, you need to know what you are dealing with and protect yourself from her a little bit better.
Reluctant Shaman
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 33
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:51 am
Local time: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:47 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Domestic Violence




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

cron