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help abusive husband when drunk

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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help abusive husband when drunk

Postby kell0404 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:24 am

hi not sure if i am in the right forum or not
I have been with my husband for 27 years in the last 20 his drinking has become a problem
slowly over the years his abuse has gotten worse
He goes to work but has gone in drunk in the past how he didn't get fired i dont know.
In the last 4 years we have broken up a number of times but always got back together we have 3 children 1 has left home 1 due to move in with his girlfriend and daughter still at school
when he drinks he shouts at me calls me names threatens to hit me if i talk back to him
if i go upstairs out of his way he will follow moments later asking what my problems is when i say its his drinking and the way he is with me he doesn't like it and says i wonder why
He then bangs around slamming doors banging anything he can get his hands on he starts talking to himself getting himself more worked up he is very weird when he is drinking he also looks different like a mask has been pulled over his face
People also comment how different he is when he is drinking that comes in stages happy argumentative and then abusive
He does not bother when i say that our daughter can hear him or times she is in the same room and i say for him to stop its not fair on her his reply dont bring her into this you have turned them all against me and they will realize what a nasty C*** you are when they grow up
He comes into my face and says if i say one more word he will shut me up he has in past hit me but not for the last 4 years he makes threats and pushes and grabs me
He calls me boring because i dont want to drink with him i drink when i go out but not much due to him getting really drunk and i have to get us home or he starts to become aggressive with me or others so we go home
Both my parents like to drink so he will sometimes go to there house drinking even when i have asked them not too
my husband has hit me in front of my parents and calls me all the names under the sun not sure what he says to them but they always seem to side with him (probably because im not a piss head like them)
My dad used to hit my mum when i was younger all my siblings have some sort of addiction drink and drugs this is one of the reasons i dont really drink as i dont want to end up like them
I have seen too much family members have died due to the drink or drug problems
so i really dont have anyone to turn to he has kept me mostly isolated we cant have friends over due to his behavior
my sons are fed up with it he cant bully them anymore as they stand up for themselves my husband hates this and wants them to move out one has already moved out.
he has had help in the past went sober for 3 months said he was cured (no its an addiction your never cured) during times he is sober he says i am overreacting in the way he has been and really thinks that he isn't as bad as i am making out
so this weekend he starts to drink on friday night 20 bottles of bud all gone by the morning he will drink until there is none left even when he cant stand
my daughter was supposed to be stopping at her friends but at 10pm she was still out rang her friends mum and said my daughter was not stopping her friends mum didnt seem bothered said her daughter comes in at 11pm she has just turned 13 too to cut a long story short my husband said i again was over reacting and she would be ok thats so he didnt have to stop his drinking and come with me to get her i was so mad she is 13 years old anything could happen to her.
then Saturday morning nice weather he starts to do garden then said oh i will get a few beers not a problem i thought wrong them beers turned into him drinking 48 bottles of bud he starts on me with verbal abuse and threatening behavior called boring because i wont drink with him god im on edge when he is drinking
sunday morning he already up can tell he has been having the last few bottles before i come down i dont say anything just ignore him he asks what my problem is so i tell him what happened night before he not in the slightest bit botthered
Dinner time he goes out i didnt even know that he had gone only realised when dogs were not in just thought he had taken them to park
well 2 hours go by my son said he had seen husbands car parked up round the park but no sign of him so i walk round he is in the part of the park that is secluded he is clearly drinking has bag on shoulder
with bottles in i walk down asking what he was doing
he said just walking dogs i asked if he was drinking he said no i said i had seen him and could hear the bottles in his bag
i walked off said that he would swear black was white even when caught he would deny it
well the abuse started as soon as he got back in my son even had to intervene
my husband storms off down to my parent knowing full well they will be drinking well that the last time i seen him till he turns up at 11pm so drunk so mad i was in bed but he came in starting on our son he was threatening him and our son said he was not me and he will hit him back
god i dont want them fighting its just not right managed to get son and daughter who had come down due to all this into living room
my husband was slamming things shouting swearing calling me everything he could he talks to himself when drinking trying to wind himself up more making out people are against him and its my fault that the kids have turned against him
so now we are just not talking he never says sorry not that sorry would mean anything he says he wont leave the house that is mortgaged in joint names
i have looked into rented homes but cost more than i can afford i wont be able to get any help due to the house
I am in a hole that i just cant get out of my hair is dropping out due to the stress i dont know were to turn too he says its my fault then i start to doubt myself this has been going on far to long its like a merry go round
he even blames me for him not having parents they both died over 23 years ago not that they were any good his mum put him in care at 6 years old he only met his dad when he was 10
both were drinkers i met him at 13 moved in with him at 16 to get away from my home
This is just a glimpse of my like i would be on here months if i had to give the full version
I understand i am not perfect i moan at house work and other domestic stuff i have bad days at work any advice please
kell0404
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Re: help abusive husband when drunk

Postby Tinatina » Thu May 04, 2017 4:25 am

I was in a very similar relationship, although it was only for 6 years, and we didn’t have any children, thank god.

It’s important that you leave him. Even though he hasn’t hit you in 4 years, pushing and grabbing is still assault, and alcoholics are unpredictable. It’s only a matter of time before he snaps (even more than his regular) and seriously hurts or kills you. Us women in these situations always think that won’t happen to us, but it does.

Your children are watching you put up with this. You are effectively teaching your boys that it’s normal to treat women this way, and your daughter that she should accept this treatment from men. You need to leave them and show by example how to be a strong woman.

As for him not believing you about how bad he is, voice record the next time he’s drunk. Don’t tell him, just hit record on your phone and let the evening play out. Make a copy of it (just in case) and if it’s safe to do so, have him listen to it. If not, leave, submit it to the police as evidence and get a DVO, and send it to him so he can hear what a terrible husband he’s been.

I know what you mean about being on edge when he’s drinking. I know the feeling very well.

As for a solution, go to a women’s shelter, file for divorce, and apply for a Domestic Violence Order. You need to get out. Once you’re out, get online and look for a housemate, then rent a house together, that way rent won’t be so expensive.

Like I said, I was in the same situation for 6 years. I got out 6 months ago, and it was the hardest, most terrifying, and best thing I’ve ever done. Bite the bullet, be strong for you and your kids, and get out.

Good Luck.
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Re: help abusive husband when drunk

Postby Terry E. » Tue May 09, 2017 6:15 am

One of the things with these men is that they try to convince there partner that they are not really that bad, or that people will not believe them. I think Tintina first post is very good at showing what people will believe, especially the police. The other thing Tintina did was plan her way out. With just a job and no savings she used friends and family to extricate herself.

Can you talk to anyone?

Is your family available to help ?

How are your finances ?
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