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Need Advice, Please!

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Need Advice, Please!

Postby Woodrbe » Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:50 pm

Long story short, I am 27 and I have been married to my spouse for a couple of months. The abuse started out with him breaking my personal belongings and then the emotional and physical abuse ensued. The abuse got so bad I ended up packing all my belongings and leaving for about a month. During the month I was gone of course he begged me to come back home, I just didn't think he would change so I stayed gone. I told him the only way I would come back is if he made a serious effort to change his abusive ways. He ended up going to counseling (which he still goes) and got put on different medications. I ended up going back the first of the year and things have been great, we still argue from time to time but it definitely doesn't end like our past arguments. We found out that we were expecting a couple of weeks ago and the first thing that came to mind when I found out was that I needed to get an abortion. I just thought to myself that we are not even close to being ready for children at this point, our marriage needs so much work, we need so much work that it would be a horrible idea to bring another life into the picture. I told him I didn't want to keep the baby and we scheduled a abortion to be done. He supported my decision and ended up taking me to the appointment. While at the appointment I got my ultrasound done and I glanced at the screen and seen the baby, I asked the ultrasound tech if I could see and she said yes. I instantly fell In love and told myself "I cant do this" the ultrasound tech told me not only was I pregnant but I was carrying twins. I told her that I wanted to wait and talk to my husband about everything before I went any further. I went outside and told my husband that I was pregnant with twins and I was battling with the decision on whether to move forward with the abortion. My husband was excited, said he would love to have twins and that ultimately the decision was up to me and that he would support me with whatever decision I made. I made the decision of not going through with the abortion. My family was already having a hard time with me going back to my husband and now they were having a harder time with me even considering keeping children. My sister kept pressuring me to go behind my husbands back and have an abortion and to just tell him that I miscarried, I just couldn't do that to him or myself or the babies. Of course I have my own concerns with my marriage especially with our past. I'm afraid his change is only temporary and that things will go back to the way they used to be later on down the road with the abuse and I refuse to raise children in a household like that, I know what its like, its how I grew up. I'm afraid that I will eventually be a single mother due to domestic violence. On the other side of the spectrum I have hope and faith in my husband, i hope he has learned from our past and he has changed and i hope that he will continue to be a loving spouse and father. I know at the end of the day its ultimately my decision on everything but i just need some different perspectives, some advice, insight from any women who have been in my shoes.
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Re: Need Advice, Please!

Postby Terry E. » Sun Feb 05, 2017 12:14 am

Their are no guarantees in life. If you are prepared for all that life may throw at you then you tend to cope better. I think you may be fine either way.

I wish you luck take care.
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Re: Need Advice, Please!

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Feb 07, 2017 3:25 pm

I am a mother of 3 girls and I've been married for 17 years. So I've had the chance to have an unplanned pregnancy and also to have a planned too. I know that questions such as yours come up in couples lives, or at least, they can come up. Ultimately, it's yours and your husband's decision because you two decided it was both of your decision. If that should change, then I think one or the other should let the other one know that that is what they see things as and not just make a quick decision behind one another's back. The saying, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," comes to mind. Being in a situation like you are in is something I would never wish upon a single person. Very hard on you. Communicate. That is my advice. :wink: Let us know what you decide, if you like. We are a supportive bunch. Hugs, if wanted.
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Re: Need Advice, Please!

Postby avatar123 » Tue Feb 07, 2017 4:53 pm

Having children will require a greater commitment from both of you, not only toward them as parents, but toward each other as husband and wife. So maybe that should be the focus of your discussion with your husband, are you both ready to make that commitment?

If you decide that you are, then perhaps you could both write vows to each other (similar to wedding vows), that you want & agree to work with each other to be the best parents you can be, and to support and love each other through whatever the future brings. Then keep them somewhere safe in case there are times when one or both of you need a reminder.

That would give you something substantial on which to base your decisions, and have some confidence moving forward. Also keep in mind that none of us can see very far into the future. All we can do is the best we can in the moment, and keep striving to have a good life, and to be happy. If you both keep doing that, then as Terry said, you should be ok whatever happens.
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