Hey ladies and gentlefriends,
I have a question but there is a whole story that goes before the question. I would appreciate your advice. So here it is.
My mother is a narsisist and I never realised.
When I was younger my bond with my father was always better then the bond with my mother. Not just because my father and I were more alike and had more in common with each other but also because my mother made it clear she never wanted me and, effectively, tried to push me out.
It started when I was way younger. I think I was 12 when she first told me she never wanted me and never planned to have me. When my father got sick and she got more stress about taking care of him and us children she would amp it up. When my father and her were divorcing she started telling me again that she never wanted me and that her life would have been way easier if I had never been born. She subsequently blamed me for not being able to divorce him sooner (I couldn't because you were born) and blamed me for ruining her life by being born.
It got to a point where I would start thinking about suicide because clearly I wasn't wanted. My father was the only person who accepted me and made me feel wanted.
My mother went as far as spreading lies about my father during their divorce so I would choose to live with her. She claimed he had poisened her and at that time I didn't know who to believe anymore.
After a fight with my mom when I was 21 I finally had enough and left to give us both some space to think, she responded by saying that I chose to leave her and that I should stay away. She made active threats by text (if you show up here I will kick you). Which probably doesn't sound like much but after 100 of these text and 5 years of being told you are nothing but a mistake and a failure and not wanted it meant another affirmation that I was in the wrong. I doubted myself all the time, I was incredibly insecure about myself.
It wasn't until I moved in with my aunt and uncle (who I owe my life to) that I realised that the behavior my mother had shown towards me was wrong. For the first time sinds my fater got sick, when I was 12, I felt loved again, accepted.
When I moved out of there and out on my own my mother started sending me texts again. She was looking for contact. I knew that I didn't want to be treated the same and insisted we have a talk about everything.
When we did she denied everything she had said or she said she didn't mean it like that. By this time I hadn't heard about the term narcissist yet, let alone everything that goes with it.
It didn't take long after our talk when she slowly started showing her old behavior again. I tried to ignore it, thinking maybe she would change if I told her that I din't like that behavior. She would always deny the behavior and tell me it was all in my head.
After about six moths I started to doubt myself again and I got the same feelings when I was younger. I didn't mean anything to her or anyone and I wasn't wanted. She made sure that I felt like that by confirming she never wanted me. Again when I asked her why she would say something like that she would deny ever saying it.
I felt like I was losing my mind and never once did I blame her. I realised that I was dying emotionally and I started having suicide thoughts.
I realised somthing had to change and sought help through therapy. My psychologist confirmed that I had a depression (15 points being sane and 0 being severely depressed, I was at a 3).
During the height of my depression and my therapy my brother in law, sister and mother attacked me over going no contact with my brother (also exibiting narcissistic behavior).
*I bought my brother groceries and new stuff for in his house when his girlfriend left with literally everything and organised family day in it's entirety when he was in the hospital. But when he got back with his girlfriend and she arranged one thing for family day and I simply asked him why because they had broken up, he told me ai was an ungrateful bitch and grabbed me by the throat when I got mad about him calling me that.*
The entire conversation came down to me not being able to do or say anything but them being able to do or say anything and of course I had to accept my brother the way that he was but he didn't have to accept me at all. It ended with my sister and b.i.l walking out because I wouldn't 'listen' and I was being 'stubborn' by not complying with them and telling my mother to go when she put on her jacket when I was explaing to her how hypocritical their behavior was.
That night I spend a full hour in the shower with a knife to my wrists because they had officially mentally broken me. I realised that I had a choice, going no contact with the person who was the driving force behind it all (my mother) or eliminate myself.
I chose to stay alive the next day when I got a text from my mother in which it said that she didn't want anything to do with me because she didn't like my behavior towards her (me telling her to go because she was disinterested in what I had to say).
I researched the word narcissim and my mothers behavior started making sense. I realised that for years I was being gaslighted and emotionally blackmailed.
I have now been NC with my brother for 2,5 years and almost 1,5 of NC with my mother.
My recovery is going well although I still have moments where everything overwhelms me.
One thing is bothering me, I think my sister is trying to get my mother and I to talk again and she won't accept my choice. I get texts with pictures that apparently my mother told her to send to me. Even though I have had those pictures myself for years and my mother knows this. She asks me if I want things (shoes, jackets) because my mother aksed her to ask me. I don't really know how to deal with it so I decided to keep my sister at bay. I have asked my sister to not mingle between our mother and I but she doesn't seem to respect it and keeps defending our mother and she keeps telling me that I should accept our mother the way she is.
I have heard about the terminology 'flying monkey' but I am hesitant about putting labels on things.
My question is: what do you think about my sisters behavior. Is she a flying monkey?
Sorry for the long story and the spelling mistakes.