Terry E. wrote:Firstly I am not a professional, but I have done extensive research and have a lot of detailed experience to bring to the discussion.
From what you are saying it may be the highly unusual "explosive anger disorder" that some physical abuse survivors suffer from. Anger is produced for many when they perceive life as unfair. For a survivor this may contain many unusual triggers. Help for him would have to be opening up what I am assuming he has boxed away in his mind and then trying to resolve it. Please note that in some such situations resolution came by the abused killing the abuser. So opening that box may not always be a win situation. It can be slow and very painful requiring skills unfortunately few therapists have.
The question I need to ask you is do you think he loves you. If he does not then the anger would be accompanied by emotional abuse, calling you, fat, lazy, stupid, ugly, loser, while not angry.
It sounds like your mother genuinely cares for him, even if part of that is pity. I am guessing she knows much more than you do.
Has he ever opened up about his abuse. Survivors especially straight males find it very, very hard. My family knows some very scary things, but not the worst. That simply too hard to talk about.
That may give you some understanding which may be what your mother has been unsuccessfully trying to do. The real answer is for you to leave.
I do encourage you at some time to explore what happened to him as a child. Understanding these things helps us understand yourself.
I could write for hours but the challenge for you is to never pass on what happened to you. I wish you luck, and hope for the bet for you.
My answers to your questions
1. Do I think he loves me : Yes, as when he's not in a foul mood, he's usually calm and a supportive father. He showed me continued support when I suffered from my suicidal depression 2 years ago.
That is not the usual behavior of an abuser. It does not mean that your experience is not one of " child abuse" but there is something there you should try and keep (the relationship) while looking after your own mental health.
2. Did he open up about his past abuse with his own father : never talked about it to anyone, but my mom. Not to me anyway.
It looks more and more like explosive anger disorder caused by abuse.
He may never talk about it, if he ever opens up, let him. It may help you both. If he has it boxed and he may want to leave it that way. Just understand that he has had a hard time trying to father you properly as he had not the proper role model. The challenge for you is to try and be better and that is a challenge I assure you. Considering what you experienced you also may have anger issues later . Just be aware that if you can isolate the triggers you can manage them much better than him.
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