Our partner

Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

Moderators: seabreezeblue, Terry E.

Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Postby Naiwen » Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:59 pm

My dad's first reaction to anything is anger. And when he gets angry, he hits things and us (my mom and I), he breaks things such as furniture, TV, techie gadgets, windows, or anything solid that he can get his fist on. He sometimes hits himself to relieve his anger. He never took anger management and never saw any mental health professional. I've suggested lots of times to him to go see one, though he wouldn't, denying he's got any mental health or any problems managing his emotions. When he's angry, he can yell at anyone, (most of the time at my mom because she doesn't defend herself properly). And also, I'd like to say that my mom isn't helping at all by not acknowledging any of his emotional management problems. She suggested that I went to therapy, but never to my dad, always saying as if excusing his verbally and physically violent behavior : "He's old, he's not going to start changing now, but you, you're young, you can change.". This statement of hers on which I disagree deeply with. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she completely denies he's got any problem at all. I'm very frustrated with my mum and I think it's some kind of abuse on her part too, because she's letting him abuse me. Although I'm moving out soon from them and I'll finally be free from all this domestic violence. I'm so sick of the 2 of them. She sometimes would even defend abusive his behavior with me saying his dad (my passed away paternal grandpa,) abused him too in his childhood, so I should be more understanding. My mom's a totally passive-submissive wife and mother. Don't got the guts to protect herself nor her child from a violent man and I hate my family life. I wish I could get away from my parents' domestically abusive home immediately, though I've got to wait 2 to 6 months before moving out the place I like becomes available.
Naiwen
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2014 1:42 am
Local time: Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:49 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:29 pm

Firstly I am not a professional, but I have done extensive research and have a lot of detailed experience to bring to the discussion.

From what you are saying it may be the highly unusual "explosive anger disorder" that some physical abuse survivors suffer from. Anger is produced for many when they perceive life as unfair. For a survivor this may contain many unusual triggers. Help for him would have to be opening up what I am assuming he has boxed away in his mind and then trying to resolve it. Please note that in some such situations resolution came by the abused killing the abuser. So opening that box may not always be a win situation. It can be slow and very painful requiring skills unfortunately few therapists have.

The question I need to ask you is do you think he loves you. If he does not then the anger would be accompanied by emotional abuse, calling you, fat, lazy, stupid, ugly, loser, while not angry.

It sounds like your mother genuinely cares for him, even if part of that is pity. I am guessing she knows much more than you do.

Has he ever opened up about his abuse. Survivors especially straight males find it very, very hard. My family knows some very scary things, but not the worst. That simply too hard to talk about.

That may give you some understanding which may be what your mother has been unsuccessfully trying to do. The real answer is for you to leave.

I do encourage you at some time to explore what happened to him as a child. Understanding these things helps us understand yourself.

I could write for hours but the challenge for you is to never pass on what happened to you. I wish you luck, and hope for the bet for you.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1197
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:49 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:31 pm

I just wanted to share that ever since becoming a new mom, almost 17 years ago, I've been reading self-help books about emotions, child-rearing, etc. I used to save my books but long ago I got rid of them as I ran out of space. I regret that. I can always read my books again and again. Sort of like imprinting those words of encouragement and wisdom into my mind. I share this because I come from a line of abuse too and when I had my kids I really didn't know how to be a good mother. I wanted to be a good mother, so I started by buying books and educating myself about this. So, even though you don't have kids, perhaps you can try and find good self-help type of books that help you understand abuse and read survivor's stories. Your life is a survivor story. You have gone through so much and you are doing so well.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 4.5 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day

Forum Rules
User avatar
quietgirl2538
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3620
Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:23 am
Local time: Fri Jul 21, 2017 5:49 pm
Blog: View Blog (66)

Re: Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Postby Naiwen » Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:44 pm

Terry E. wrote:Firstly I am not a professional, but I have done extensive research and have a lot of detailed experience to bring to the discussion.

From what you are saying it may be the highly unusual "explosive anger disorder" that some physical abuse survivors suffer from. Anger is produced for many when they perceive life as unfair. For a survivor this may contain many unusual triggers. Help for him would have to be opening up what I am assuming he has boxed away in his mind and then trying to resolve it. Please note that in some such situations resolution came by the abused killing the abuser. So opening that box may not always be a win situation. It can be slow and very painful requiring skills unfortunately few therapists have.

The question I need to ask you is do you think he loves you. If he does not then the anger would be accompanied by emotional abuse, calling you, fat, lazy, stupid, ugly, loser, while not angry.

It sounds like your mother genuinely cares for him, even if part of that is pity. I am guessing she knows much more than you do.

Has he ever opened up about his abuse. Survivors especially straight males find it very, very hard. My family knows some very scary things, but not the worst. That simply too hard to talk about.

That may give you some understanding which may be what your mother has been unsuccessfully trying to do. The real answer is for you to leave.

I do encourage you at some time to explore what happened to him as a child. Understanding these things helps us understand yourself.

I could write for hours but the challenge for you is to never pass on what happened to you. I wish you luck, and hope for the bet for you.


My answers to your questions

1. Do I think he loves me : Yes, as when he's not in a foul mood, he's usually calm and a supportive father. He showed me continued support when I suffered from my suicidal depression 2 years ago.

2. Did he open up about his past abuse with his own father : never talked about it to anyone, but my mom. Not to me anyway.
Naiwen
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2014 1:42 am
Local time: Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:49 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Both my Parents are abusive in each their own Way!

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jan 07, 2017 2:10 am

Naiwen wrote:
My answers to your questions

1. Do I think he loves me : Yes, as when he's not in a foul mood, he's usually calm and a supportive father. He showed me continued support when I suffered from my suicidal depression 2 years ago.

That is not the usual behavior of an abuser. It does not mean that your experience is not one of " child abuse" but there is something there you should try and keep (the relationship) while looking after your own mental health.

2. Did he open up about his past abuse with his own father : never talked about it to anyone, but my mom. Not to me anyway.

It looks more and more like explosive anger disorder caused by abuse.
He may never talk about it, if he ever opens up, let him. It may help you both. If he has it boxed and he may want to leave it that way. Just understand that he has had a hard time trying to father you properly as he had not the proper role model. The challenge for you is to try and be better and that is a challenge I assure you. Considering what you experienced you also may have anger issues later . Just be aware that if you can isolate the triggers you can manage them much better than him.



and I really wish the best for you an your family.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1197
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:49 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)


Return to Domestic Violence




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron