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New here need advice

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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New here need advice

Postby Colorist » Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:05 pm

Hi guys I need help I am not happy in the relationship I am in because of what has happened and is happening.. I will give a little insight into my life .. I am 27 and so I mt "fiancé" we have been engaged for over 10 years.. I have been fed up in this relationship along time but always seem to stay as I haven't got the courage to up and leave.. The most recent beating I got was in a family member of his house he threw me against the door dragged me by the hair leaving bald patch I am a hairdresser it was on of my colleagues who spotted that, also punched me into the face the pick me up by the neck against a wall an tried to strangle me.. Of course the next day he was sorry i didn't want to go near him but his sister begged me to come out. Then I got all the sorrys and will change and everything..

We are still fighting a lot and he always tells me I ruin everything and if I try something a little different with my make up he will always criticize what I have done.. I am so tired of trying to keep other people happy when I am not happy but yet can't find the strength to walk away.. I just need some advice to be honest I don't know what it is I need.. This is just the tip of the iceberg but I would be writing for a long time to write it all.. Maybe just someone to talk to is what I need .. Sorry for the long winded post x
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Re: New here need advice

Postby Terry E. » Wed Jan 04, 2017 9:40 pm

Welcome, glad you came here. This is actually one of the short ones.

I think one issues is that staying with someone like this erodes ones self esteem. This undermines your confidence that there is actually a better world out there without them.

I assure you there is. As you have been together for quite a while that thought can be terrifying.

You know he will not change, and regrettably this almost always gets worse.

On the positives you are still young, financially independent and children are not part of the problem.

I suggest contemplating ending it, stepping away from relationships for a while, find yourself, and then if you want be open to finding someone new.
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Re: New here need advice

Postby Colorist » Wed Jan 04, 2017 9:49 pm

Thank you for quick response.. Yesterday I tried to end it but he said he wouldn't leave my house we live in my family home.. I didn't wanna cause trouble so I just left it then this morning as usual he was back to normal forgot what I said because he doesn't wanna here it.. Then tells me he loves me so much and is so happy in this relationship I am the only one with the problem.. I just know it's never going to change as his family are exactly the same I know by speaking to there girlfriends. I am just st my wits end
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Re: New here need advice

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:02 am

Hi, you mentioned he lives in my family home. What do you mean by this. Do you own it and he lives in your home. Does the family own it ? If so can you help define what you mean by the family. .

People have escaped from much worse. What you need to do is start working out a plan that will minimise financial and emotional damage to yourself when you extract yourself.

Do you have any friends, or family you can lean on. They often bring there own baggage to these talks but of you could find someone who would just listen while you talk through the process it will help.

First step with these is the plan. This is seldom an overnight issue, unless you basically do a runner with the clothes on your back and you are no where near that. Lets make sure you never are.
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Re: New here need advice

Postby realityhere » Sat May 27, 2017 1:25 am

"The most recent beating I got was in a family member of his house he threw me against the door dragged me by the hair leaving bald patch I am a hairdresser it was on of my colleagues who spotted that, also punched me into the face the pick me up by the neck against a wall an tried to strangle me.."

How many more beatings will it take to realize this is not a relationship you need? Like Terry E. said, you're still young, have a job to support yourself, with no children, you can move on from this relationship. We're here to listen.
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Re: New here need advice

Postby Tinatina » Sun May 28, 2017 10:10 pm

You need to end it, for real. You're able to recognize that it's not okay, and that you're not happy. You're only hurting yourself by allowing this to continue.

Terry is right, you need to develop a plan. Go to the police and report the abuse. Tell them that he refuses to leave your house and that you don't feel safe. You can apply for a DVO (Domestic Violence Order - this is called something different wherever you are), and in that, you can apply to have him removed from the premises. This will have to go through the court system and could take up to a month to be implemented, but most likely they'll grant you a temporary protection order, in which he would be removed from the house. Your first step though is to go to your police station and talk to them about your options.

Leaving is hard. Really really hard. I did it 6 months ago. I left my fiance (we were together nearly 7 years). That was the hardest week of my life, but I knew I was doing the right thing. Open up to your family and friends about what's going on, you won't believe how much their support will help you. And the only thing you're doing by not telling people is protecting his reputation. Screw his reputation, people should know what a bad person he is.

You're in a dangerous situation. Please don't take this lightly. Things will continue to escalate and get worse, you have to get out.

Good Luck
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