I'm 23 now (male), but my teenage years were a complete mess. I was a terrible/rebellious son and did a lot of things wrong (was later diagnosed bipolar), but I'm not going to go deep into that stuff. I wasn't ever violent in my family. My dad has hit me a couple times in the past, but I never bring it up because I know he's a caring person and I did put him and my mom through a lot. To be honest, he'd probably deny it anyway. . He's also trained in judo and I know if he hit me anywhere even close to full force, I'd be knocked out.
I wasn't ever violent at home though. I had a temper and sometimes threw things, but I never had an urge to hit anyone. Then when I was 17, I met a girl and we both fell in love. We both had a lot of emotional problems, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes at the beginning of the relationship (lied to her about a few things, but never cheated on her or anything). She did the exact same, to be honest. About a month or two in, she showed her abusive side. She was actually trained in karate herself, and her punches/kicks really did hurt. We argued a lot, and she would always attack me. I was able to restrain her most of the time, but she would always get at least some hits in before then. I remember one time I let her literally beat me up and bawled like a pathetic baby while hoping that she'd realize how much it was affecting me. Nope. She just knocked me down and kept kicking me as hard as she could in the chest and stomach (I really can't remember if she aimed at my face).
This is where things got serious. 4 months of my gf's abuse was undoubtedly making me a much more frustrated and angry person. This next part is terrible, and I blame myself, but I'd like to think that it was just my girlfriend's actions rubbing off on me. I got into a huge argument with my mom, and she said something along the lines of, "you can go freeze to death on the street for all I care". This wasn't something I ever pictured my mom saying, 'cause she's honestly the sweetest person in the world, but it's understandable because I was putting her through hell. I paced around the house angrily a few times, and when she said something else that set me off (can't remember what it was), I slapped her. I don't think it was that hard, but it wasn't too light either. My dad called the police and I got arrested. Had to live in shelters for a while, but I ended up renting a room, and my girlfriend and I were practically living together in it (she was almost always there, but I would walk/bus her home most nights).
During this time, she was as abusive as ever. She even threatened me with a butcher's knife once. But I loved her, and she was all I had. We were dating each other for over a year at this point, and I was starting to be more aggressive. I wouldn't hit her, but when she would attack me, I would be more forceful while protecting myself (pushing her forcefully off the bed, pushing her in the snow if we were outside repeatedly and not letting her get up). Eventually, I just ended up slapping her during an argument. It took a year of being abused on an every other day basis to get to that point. We broke up about a month after that (or rather, she left me for someone else. She later apologized and I basically told her not to talk to me).
So, am I an abuser for those 2 moments? The guilt has eaten me up inside for 5 years. I've constantly been depressed and suicidal. I don't think that I'd ever repeat those mistakes again, and I think it was just a really bad time for me. But at the same time, my biggest fear is that I will do those things again in a fit of rage, that it wasn't just her influence on me. I've been living at home for those 5 years, and have gotten into arguments with my mom and sisters, and I haven't had any urges of hitting anyone, even when I've been extremely angry. I am also on better terms with my family now.
Past the guilt, I also know that my ex has told A LOT of people about things that happened, and has definitely made me out to be a terrible person. There are some friends I'm not on good terms with anymore, and they know about the situation with my mom and have told other people. I'm scared of getting out into the world to make friends, and them being connected with people who know about my past, and as a result, completely despise me.
One other thing is that I write a lot of music, and dream of getting somewhere with it. I've had a lot of people tell me that they actually think I can (when they doubted me before hearing it). I've written songs about my ex, and in the event that I actually get ANYWHERE with my music, I'm scared that my past will be publicly revealed and that people will just altogether hate me. I'm scared of chasing my dreams and even having a social life in general.
Thanks in advance.