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Going NC with toxic parents [ADVICE APPRECIATED!]

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Going NC with toxic parents [ADVICE APPRECIATED!]

Postby aubs427 » Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:08 pm

I am 26 years old and have been living on my own. I recently got married a few months ago in Vegas with a very very small group of my friends (Only 10 people),

To start this: I'm chinese-american. I was born and raised in California my whole life. My parents had immigrated from here over 40 years ago and I have an older sister that's almost 11 years older than me. Starting from grade 1, my mom began to physically beat me because I wasn't scoring A's on my tests, It first started as me holding out my hand flat and her hitting it really hard with a ruler or some type of flat wood/plastic object. It was 30-50 times, but it escalated quickly to punching me in the head, kicking me, beating me everywhere on my body with either her bare hands or items she could grab hold of. It escalated because I'd pull my hand away and she was INCREDIBLY angry ALL the time. I've been beaten all over the body with pipes, hangers, belts, the handle of knives, etc. This happened 5 days a week until I was in the 10th grade. Only time I wasn't being physically abused was in the summer. My dad was more verbally and emotionally abusive. He never laid a hand on me, but also had a really ugly temper.

From as long as I can remember, my dad would throw raging outloud tantrum fits when something didn't go his way. Whether he was privately at home or in public, he had these incredibly scary outbursts. Most of which happened while we were on vacation somewhere. One incident I'll never forget is when we took a tour bus to Yosemite and he got mad I had brought my Harry Potter book for the trip. Yelled super loud in front of 30-40 people and then when we got to our stop, he threatened to kill me and physically came at me. 8 people had to hold him back from getting to me.

Also, as far back as I can remember, my parents always blamed me for staying in their marriage. There was once incident where my dad nearly choked out my mom. Him on top of her, with his hands around her throat, and her on the floor. Not sure what would have happened if my sister wasn't there as I'd already experienced being abused myself. They never got divorced and instead blamed me for "having" to stay in the marriage.

My mom got arrested when I was in the 7th grade because I escaped mid beating. I'd ran to a nearby classmate's house and her dad called the police. I was in foster care for nearly 2 weeks and judge ruled in favor of giving my parents a second chance because the lawyer they hired was good and they were sentenced to anger management classes and a full year's supervision of ensuring no other harm would come to me. While the physical beatings did stop, the verbal abuse and emotional abuse did not.

After a year went by, the physical beatings resumed immediately. So, here I am 26 and living on my own. I moved out a little over a year ago, against the wishes of my parents. They'd told my fiance that they'd "washed their hands of me" and that they'd never bother to visit. Furthermore, I was never close with my sister and only spoke to her at the most 3 times a year (birthdays, holidays type thing). My parents have never understood me and have spent their entire lives trying to get me to conform to their idealistic way of living.

A few months ago, I went NC with them. The last time I'd ever spoken to them was on Memorial Day. I'd gone to visit them as I usually did every week or every other week. But, ever since I moved out...over the last year, I tried to maintain a somewhat 'cold' relationship with them, but every visit was drawing my spirit and energy lower and lower each time. I could never talk about what was happening with me because they'd find some way to put it into an negative light, again unless it was something THEY wanted. Even a simple subject as, "I adopted a puppy" immediately is, "Yeah you care more about a dog than me."

I felt like I was walking on eggshells each time and started to develop high anxiety to the point where I was throwing up the day prior to the actual visit. I was incredibly stressed. I started seeing a therapist with my fiance to get advice and further support on what to do with my marriage. I'd wanted to get married, but my parents didn't want me to marry him (due to him not being asian). We'd already been together over 6 years and we were at standstill on how we'd get married. I'd struggled with waiting and hoping that my parents would come around or go against their wishes and marry him via city hall or something. Instead for a whole year, each time I went to visit, they'd spend 98 percent of the time reaming into me about something or turning something positive I was telling them into something negative. They'd also pick on me like calling me fat or "looking like a whale". My mom wanted me to be under 100 pounds (I'm 5/4 and weighed 115-120).

A few months ago, in June, I typed up a letter to my parents outlining all the abuse I'd experience with them, both physical and verbal abuse. I'd basically stated that I was no longer going to continue communication with them unless they could be the supportive, loving parents I deserve. I didn't hear back from them. My sister had reached out but I kept it neutral and told her to stay out of it. She understood.

Furthermore, I had completely turned off my phone that I still had connected to them. I'd gotten a new line with my fiance and new phone, without telling any of my family members. Eventually, a month later, I'd received a facebook message from my cousin and sister (few hours apart) and while my cousin didn't really care or press why I have a new number..my sister was very angry that I had a new number and wouldn't provide it to her. I explained that I couldn't risk my new number being given out to my parents and that they know to e-mail if there was something urgent. I haven't spoken to my sister since then.

Eventually, I'd recently received a letter in my e-mail from my parents (more than likely written by my dad). He basically blamed EVERYTHING on me. He didn't address ANY of the abuse at all and said that they did everything they could to fix me and that I just wouldn't become what they wanted. They spent 2 paragraphs comparing me to my sister and how I "was supposed to go down the same exact path". The entire page and a half letter was basically what they've always said to me my whole life. Making me feel like a burden, black sheep, mistake, and just all-around not wanted person. They said believing in happiness is stupid and that it doesn't exist. I never responded to letter nor have I made any attempts or efforts to reach out to them after having sent the NC letter.

So, here I am...a few months later having made the jump of marriage with my now-husbnd. We had a ceremony in Vegas at a venue and NONE of my family knows. I'm slowly learning to accept that making decisions on my own is a-okay and that I don't need to worry or stress about what my parents would think or what they would say. I'm slowly learning to live without guilt.

I also wanted to add that my mom has tried suffocating me with a pillow 2-3 times when I was a kid and she would lock me in her closet for 6-7 hours at a time with no light, water, or food. She merely laughed it off when I tried confronting her about it when I was 21 years old.

The abuse has never ever been addressed and they laughed in my face when they found out I was cutting myself 12-15 times a day for over 3 years. I was told in Chinese to, "go kill yourself then. No one would care and you're a burden anyway. Go kill yourself!"

Fast forward to current situation now>>>I've been successfully NC with my parents. I kept a sub-par open line with my sister since her and I never talk anyway. Well, My sister had recently reached out to me regarding my dad's health. (She lives across the country and would have to fly in.) He had a small stroke within a week ago and sister had attempted to coerce me into visiting him (Yes, she is aware that I am not speaking to my parents). I didn't go to visit, however my dad recently emailed me a letter, which I immediately had my husband read. He highly advised I ignore it, eventually deleting/blocking my parents email. Based on some of the sentences he read out loud to me, nothing was acknowledged from the NC letter I sent them and it was basically the same crap. Furthermore, I have since also now blocked my sister on Facebook. I didn't give her any warning as she'd messaged me not long after I received the second letter from my dad saying that she was flying into town because "dad isn't feeling well".

I haven't responded to her at all since telling her "I've been great" when she had told me about the health scare and said my dad was wanting to see me and had been worrying about me. She doesn't have my current phone number. The only way she'd be able to reach me at this point is if she sent me an email, however, I will more than likely have my husband read it first anyway at which point he will do the same as he did the other night to my parents email.

I just felt a huge part of me felt like a "bad person" for cutting literally all communication and not being able to know if they pass away. It was making me feel like a bad person because...in a way, if they still had contact, I know they'd say things to make me feel like a bad person, daughter, human being for not "showing" concern or "being there for them" physically.

Does it get any easier? How do you...not wonder? Anyone have any meditation tips or activities you do to help get you past the "are they...what if they..." thoughts? Does anyone have any opinions/advice regarding following/going against your culture's expectations/standards? (Which I have obviously gone against)
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Re: Going NC with toxic parents [ADVICE APPRECIATED!]

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Oct 28, 2016 7:51 pm

I'm glad to know that you are seeing a therapist or that you have seen one in the recent past. I would continue to point you in that direction to help you understand better what you have carefully chosen to do, which is to have no contact with your parents. As someone who has gone through many similar things as you have, I understand too well what you are going through. I'm so sorry you suffered so much and for so long.

Does it get any easier? How do you...not wonder? Anyone have any meditation tips or activities you do to help get you past the "are they...what if they..." thoughts? Does anyone have any opinions/advice regarding following/going against your culture's expectations/standards? (Which I have obviously gone against)

Yes it gets much easier. I can assure you from my own experience. We grow as people and mature in our young years. I feel as if I know my life so well and I am in charge of it. I don't worry about my mom because my sister and brothers take care of her. They will let me know if I am needed. You become stronger emotionally. My mom can say things that would normally send me to tears, but now I get mad instead and defend myself. With following a culture's expectations, I would expect there to be a lot of family there to have to sort of "answer to." But with me, my family already knows how my mom is and they side with me. Plus I don't give them details of what they know nothing about and I am not put on the spot. If family asks how my mom is I answer, she's fine. If they want to know more, I can say I don't want to talk about it and choose to leave if they keep pushing the subject. That's how I handle it. By now, a little over a year since I last spoke to my mom, I believe she has accepted things and respects the boundaries I have set.

As I tell myself, you have to take care of you first so that you can take care of others like your husband and your children (future).
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Going NC with toxic parents [ADVICE APPRECIATED!]

Postby Terry E. » Sat Oct 29, 2016 6:34 am

Seriously if your dad has had a stroke what can you do.

You could argue that not seeing him is in his best interest as it may increase his stress.

You sound like you have a good husband, time to start a new life with your new family.

Big families unless they are stable are overrated.

You deserve a chance to be happy. They had their shot and looks like they blew it.

Take care
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Re: Going NC with toxic parents [ADVICE APPRECIATED!]

Postby atina » Sat Oct 29, 2016 1:42 pm

Dear aubs427:

I cut all contact with my mother in January 2014, successfully and it will remain so. I am now 55 and she is 76. Until recently I wondered if she was sick and felt great pain and guilt and tortured thinking: what if she wants to speak to me before she dies...

The guilt appeared and re-appeared throughout the NC. Of course, there was tons of it before, while in contact.

What I realized, to my great surprise, is that all throughout the time I thought she needed me in her life and was suffering because of the NC, what I realized was that it was me who was suffering, not her. I learned, over time, since the NC that she didn't like me (she behaved like she didn't, after all) and she didn't value me (again, she clearly behaved as if I had no value as a person), she didn't enjoy my company (she wouldn't have threatened suicide as often as she did if she I meant joy in her life)..

So all along, it was I who loved her. She didn't love me. It was me who needed her. She didn't need me. I wanted her in my life; not the other way around.

It was a mind blowing realization for me. Children need the parents, abusive or not. Not the other way around.

After all, your parents said you were a burden- it's right there, they said it!

I didn't believe my mother when she said the things she said to me, didn't take her word for it. Once I did, eventually, it got easy. It is easy now, the NC. I no longer worry- I know that she meant a lot to me, not the other way around.

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