Numb *triggers*

I am 28 years old. I left my husband 6 months ago. We were in a relationship for 12 years, high school sweethearts, and have a 6 year old son. I left the relationship because of abuse. The abuse has honestly been present since the beginning, but it gradually worsened over the years. The past three years of our marriage were the worst. The day that I left, my husband had come home and found me packing to go back to our home state where our son was visiting with his grandmother. I wasn't supposed to be leaving for another week, but I decided to leave early. In four days, three incidents of violence had taken place, and I had had enough. Just 6 months prior, I had my husband arrested. It was the first and only time he had ever been arrested for abusing me, although the abuse had happened thousands of times before. I had left him then, but he somehow lured me back with false promises of getting better. He did attend anger management and therapy, but he actually got worse. I am giving the cliff notes version. Anyway, flashing forward back to the day that I left him. It was a Friday. I was running around the house packing my things, planning to leave in the car before he came home. I didn't make in time. He came early, 2 pm to be exact. He found me packing to leave, and he completely lost it. He held me hostage in the home. For hours, he terrorized me. I thought I was going to die. By some miracle, I escaped out the front door fast enough. He slammed my foot in the door and I fell to the ground, terrified and screaming. But I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could, and I got up and took off running. I ran to my neighbors home. I remember crying and screaming hysterically. There were women and children outside near our apartment. I yelled and screamed, "Didn't you hear me, didn't you hear my screams?" I know they had heard them because moments before, I was screaming out the window of the second story, the window that I was trying to throw myself out of before he grabbed me and forced me to the ground. He covered my mouth and nose so tightly and had my body contorted in such a way that I thought he was going to snap my neck. But no one came. Moments after getting out, I ran next door and went inside. I was hysterical and frantic. I went to the mirror and saw my face. Blood and bruises covered me. Anyway, with all that said, here I am, 6 months later, and I feel nothing. I have lost most of emotions. I rarely cry. I rarely feel anything. I just exist. I still manage to laugh, to live my life, to be a student and a mother. But, I feel empty. I feel like a zombie. Shouldn't I feel something? Shouldn't I feel something about the abuse? I am numb. I do not know who I am anymore. Is this a part of what happens? Does it get better? Do I begin to feel things again?

I'm sorry that happened to you, falling. Abuse is so deeply wrong. It's so unfair that you tried so hard to make things work. And that it all carried on anyway.

I don't think there's a "right" or "correct" way to feel. And I'm no expert or professional or anything. I wonder if it could perhaps be depression. Which has that numbing, squashing effect on emotions. Or that you're still processing what you went through. And all your emotions could be shut down because a part of you fears that they might overload you day to day. It seems to me like a way to protect yourself still. There isn't a time boundary on these things. I know it's a rubbish answer but I think it's true that it takes as long as it takes. Everyone's experience is a little different. Because they're dealing with different events with a different "toolkit." Please don't "should" yourself too much.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about what happened? A counsellor or therapist? Having someone who will listen and not judge could be really helpful. In terms of getting back in touch with your feelings. In a safe way.

Hiya..

I've added a trigger warning to the thread just to help other members a bit because I think your story is a really difficult one to read xx

I'm really sorry that you went through all of that.. it should never have happened and I'm really really glad that you're not with him anymore.

with all that said, here I am, 6 months later, and I feel nothing. I have lost most of emotions. I rarely cry. I rarely feel anything. I just exist. I still manage to laugh, to live my life, to be a student and a mother. But, I feel empty. I feel like a zombie. Shouldn't I feel something? Shouldn't I feel something about the abuse? I am numb. I do not know who I am anymore. Is this a part of what happens? Does it get better? Do I begin to feel things again?

^^ sometimes the aftermath is the most difficult part to deal with because it feels really really different and strange compared to the hypervigilance and constant adrenalin that was needed to get through the day to day abuse.
Once someone is free from the situation though, it's quite common to close down emotionally for a little while and yes, you will begin to feel things again.. it will just take a bit of time for your brain to process everything.. the loss of constant adrenalin can feel a little odd as well at first. it feels like your brain has slowed down and things are a little fuzzier/less clear.
You can come through this part a little faster with really kind self care and a good support network.
Find something that you enjoy doing and is good for you.. maybe take up photography or go swimming. Maybe try a relaxed evening out with some friends.. definitely try out some therapy groups with other domestic abuse survivors if you can as well - they're really really valuable and the women at them can often point you towards quite a few other brilliant resources that you might find helpful.

xx