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Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby Spring » Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:45 pm

SometimesHere wrote:I always had assumed (correctly or not?) that it was just part of the control method. If you repeatedly tell someone they are useless then after a while the victim may start to believe it. Once the victim believes they are stupid and worthless then they would be easier to control.


What a incedious thing to do to a person. An abuser that does this has to be the lowest of the low! I know saying that is mean but sometimes it needs to be said
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby exquisitecorpse » Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:22 pm

Spring wrote:
SometimesHere wrote:I always had assumed (correctly or not?) that it was just part of the control method. If you repeatedly tell someone they are useless then after a while the victim may start to believe it. Once the victim believes they are stupid and worthless then they would be easier to control.


What a incedious thing to do to a person. An abuser that does this has to be the lowest of the low! I know saying that is mean but sometimes it needs to be said



Don't worry, this type of person is not the least bit insulted by your comment.

It's completely about control. People that are broken are easier to manipulate, and bend to your will. There are numerous ways to dominate, this is one of the easiest.
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby Spring » Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:24 am

exquisitecorpse wrote:
Spring wrote:
SometimesHere wrote:I always had assumed (correctly or not?) that it was just part of the control method. If you repeatedly tell someone they are useless then after a while the victim may start to believe it. Once the victim believes they are stupid and worthless then they would be easier to control.


What a incedious thing to do to a person. An abuser that does this has to be the lowest of the low! I know saying that is mean but sometimes it needs to be said



Don't worry, this type of person is not the least bit insulted by your comment.

It's completely about control. People that are broken are easier to manipulate, and bend to your will. There are numerous ways to dominate, this is one of the easiest.



Can I ask you a question why do people feel the need to control others? Is it because, of low self esteem? Or something else
A friend is nothing but a known enemy.
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby SometimesHere » Wed Mar 20, 2013 1:41 pm

These people are weak and insecure. They want to put other people down to feel better about themselves. They feel like they are lacking in some way and they need to manipulate others to feel better.
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby Spring » Wed Mar 20, 2013 1:56 pm

I am weak and insecure at times a lot less since last year and never felt or had the to want to control or hurt another. I guess maybe lacking empathy and a bit of delusion also plays a huge part in it also
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby femur » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:00 am

I think abusers themselves feel victimised which is why they do it in the first place, but it's a vicious cycle. Often those who are abused will abuse others and by the time it's appropriate to get their anger out it's too late and misdirected (taken out on the wrong people!).
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby Spring » Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:39 am

femur wrote:I think abusers themselves feel victimised which is why they do it in the first place, but it's a vicious cycle. Often those who are abused will abuse others and by the time it's appropriate to get their anger out it's too late and misdirected (taken out on the wrong people!).



I thought only victim blamers say such things I have seen this happen time after time!
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Re: Why do abusers want the victim to feel?

Postby Partridge » Fri Mar 22, 2013 3:33 pm

I agree that it stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. Fear of loss as well. A partner may be the jealous type and be afraid that his/her partner will leave him/her for someone else, which is less likely if that partner is made to feel grateful that the abusive partner would be with them at all.

I do also agree with the vicious cycle thing. It's not a 'victim-blaming' platitude. Negativity breeds negativity. I was put down by my parents an awful lot, and I grew up talking the same way to people, little negative comments, negative bonding, etc. I didn't even notice I was doing it; it was all I'd known and without some kind of insight from outside of that environment I wouldn't have reason to question it. In the end a girlfriend made things very clear for me: a figurative but very real slap in the face, but I'm eternally grateful for it. This is all well in the past. I recognise the patterns of negativity and I do my best to avoid them.

Of course, in my case it wasn't about beating up a partner or demeaning her, but the principle is the same. If you break down other people and leave them with low self-esteem, particularly during their formative years, then they will behave the same. Other stress factors may, of course, contribute (not being happy in a relationship but not feeling like you deserve anything else, not being happy in one's job, money worries, etc.).
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